Pedro Lenz - Naw Much of a Talker

Add tae that the fact ahd made friends wi two young wimmen who wur parliamoin English tae me an’ smokin wan joint eftir the fuckin ither, which didnae seem tae bother any ither cunt there, the guy at the bar least ae aw: he’d the occasional draw himsel, then nivver forgot tae offer me some.

Och, look who it is, Regula! Hid ye tae look fur me fur long? Ahm sorry, ah lost track ae the time.

She’s like that: nae problem — an’ smiles.

An’ in ma very wonky secondary-school English, ah gave it: Look Alberto, this is Regula, and Regula, this is Isabel, and, and, and, an’ then — in the fog ae the aniseed brandy — the name ae the ither lassie widnae come tae me, it didnae matter but: she jist laughed an’ introduced hersel. Hello Regula, nice to meet you , her name wis Imma, by the way, an’ did she want a drink an’ aw? An’ itherwise: cool, ivrythin wis cool.

Regula really wisnae angry. Naw at aw. Even if she musta seen fae the fuckin door whit shape ah wis in. Whit d’ye expect but? If two ae ye ur away on holiday an’ wan ae the two his hid way too much beer awready, ye hiv several possibilities: ye kin get angry, which disnae actually help nae cunt, ye kin start knockin it back as fast as poss tae try an’ catch up so yir naw in the wrang film any mair, or ye can jist think: he’s him an’ ahm me an’ themorra’s anither day. Ah think that last option is whit Regula done that night.

Did ye get tae the shops, Goalie?

Oh shit, ah completely forgot, an nipped in furra quick drink, jist tae tide me o’er, then it totally went ootae ma mind. Ahm sorry. Listen but, ahm sure we kin get summit tae eat here.

We’ll need tae get tae the shops at some point but. So wiv coffee, milk an’ breid fur themorra.

Yir naw so completely aff the mark wi that observation eether. Hiv ye money? Look, ah changed loads. Naw, go on, take it. Look, here’s whit ah suggest, you go theday an’ ah’ll go themorra cos, thenoo, ahd rather jist sit oan here a wee minute — cos here ah can haud ontae the chrome steel an’ at the supermarket ah kid only haud ontae the shoppin trolley. They things ur known tae move but.

Yir a blabber, Goalie, she said an’ left. She’d come back an’ get me. Then we’d go an’ rustle summit up.

Know summit but? Things tend naw tae go as easily as that. When she came back tae get me — wi two paper bags full ae stuff — ah tellt her naw tae rush things. It wid be shrewder tae hiv a drink wi us first. Then ah tried tae introduce the landlord an’ the two wimmen, by this time but ah only knew the landlord’s name, look, this is Alfredo, naw wait, Alberto. Was it Alfredo or Alberto? Then but, Regula said it wis awright, ahd awready introduced ivrywan, an’ that wis fine by me cos some folk take the hump when ye cannae mind their names.

We did then go hame at some point eftir aw an’ we cooked an’ aw. That is: she did, mair like, cos ah — ah didnae see the need. It wis guid craic anyhow but, we rambled oan an’ oan. Naw aboot problems an’ the like. Naw, we wur exchangin stories mair like, which is summit ye kin dae best when folk still dont really know each ither really, when yiv naw tellt the best yins a hunner times afore yet. Ah first fell asleep at the table an’ when ah woke up wi a stiff neck, Regula’d awready hit the sack. So ah got between the blankets too. Naw hers but. Naw, ma ain. We wur jist guid friends eftir aw: guid friends who go oan holiday thegither an’ that, fuckit. An’ anyhoo: it wis howivver late it wis.

The time in wee Stofer’s hoose whizzed past. Sometimes we jist went tae go an’ look an’ see the sea move. An’ sometimes we walked along these hills jist, turnin oor backs tae the sea. In between times, we went back an’ forth oan the ferry, jist tae be oan a ship like. The locals thought we wur mad. Fur them, the ferry wis jist a means ae transport jist, an’ naw a tourist attraction. Ahm sure but that even the wans that thought oor ferryin to an’ fro wis mad wid choose the boat, if — fur the sake ae argument — they wur oan a summer holiday in Thun an’ kid choose whether tae take the train or the boat tae Interlaken. Whit ahm tryin tae say is: at hame in Switzerland, ah almost nivver take a boat, abroad ah nearly always dae but. Cos holidays ur holidays. An’ holidays only make sense if ye dae things diffrint fae in yir ivryday life.

Regula an’ ah finally hid time tae dae some serious talkin. Ah tellt her ah loved her an’ wantit her, aw the stuff ye say if ye mean it. Ah meant it. She wis still a bit defensive but, said naw tae spin her so many yarns, tae be mair economical wi ma endless stories. She wis convinced, ye see: wance ah ran ootae stories, ahd nae longer love her.

That’s possible, of course. Oan the ither haun but: whit did Regula mean by ‘ran ootae stories’? How dis she know hoo many stories ah hiv tae tell? Stories urnae like teeth, they dont grow in twice, then that’s it. Yiv hid aw yir gettin. Naw, stories urnae like crude fuckin oil, where yiv only a certain amoont an’ wance they reserves ur gone, yir fuckt — it’ll be a few million years afore there’s new stuff. Naw, stories grow back in. There’s an infinite supply ae them. Try tellin that tae Regula but, who’s worried cos it’s finally clicked ahm in love wi her.

That right, Goalie? Wance yiv ran ootae stories, ye willnae love me any mair?

Is that important, Regula? Ah mean is it important tae talk aboot when, somewhere doon the line, ah willnae love ye? Fur the time bein, ah love ye. That’s important. You’ve still naw said owt in this direction but.

Ahm jist naw as quick tae say things like that. Ah need time, Goalie. Ah dont faw in love jist like that. An’ anyway: officially, ahm still wi Buddy. Ye know that.

Officially! Sorry, Regula, nae offence, that’s the stupidest sentence but ivver tae come ootae yir mooth!

Mibbes aye, mibbes naw, Goalie. The rest’s true but. Ahm naw the type tae faw in love in a hurry.

Naw wi me anyhoo, right? Know whit but? Ah dont care. Ah kin wait. Take yir time, Regula. Take yir time jist. Ah can be patient. Ah’ll ask ye again in five minutes.

Lines like that normally got a laugh ootae her.

Then but, summit happened that wis less funny. Valentin, who we’d got tae know on the ferry over, came tae visit. Ahd made a point ae tellin him he kid drop in any time, we’d be pleased tae see him.

So he did come an’ he brought us some drink an’ a necklace he’d made himsel fur Regula ootae wee bits ae wood an’ black mussels. Didnae look bad, the necklace.

We wur pleased tae hiv befriended a local awready. Rustled up summit guid tae eat etc. An’ while he’s talkin, Valentin, ah ask aboot the hoose an’ wee Stofer’s uncle, jist ootae intrist like.

Ahm often intristit in things maist ither folk urnae. An’ vice versa. That might seem strange. It’s true but. Ma auld man wis like that in his day an’ aw. When ah wis still a boy, he’d tell me stories fur oors on end aboot people ah didnae know fae Adam. Ma auld man kid tell ye hale life stories, wi ivry possible detail. Better than any novel, it wis. Life intristit me. Naw aw the ither shite. Life jist.

Take as an example: ah go doon tae the bicycle bit in the basement at hame an’ wan ae the ither tenants his parked his bike badly. Kin happen tae anywan. Maist folk’ll then say but how a-fuckin-mazed they ur that some useless bastard kid leave his bike staunin there like fuckin that. Naw me but. Ahd nivver say anythin like that. It’s ae nae intrist tae me. It really isnae.

Oan the ither haun, if ahm on holiday in an auld Spanish hoose, ah’ll examine that hoose inside an’ oot, ah’ll look tae see whit flooers there ur in the garden an’ aw, ah’ll notice it’s naw flooers ye see oan the Atlantic itherwise an’ that the hoose is built in a style, a type ae architecture, that disnae necessarily fit intae the village, an’ ah’ll be astonished that some cunt authorised the buildin ae it an’ ah’ll wonder aboot why an’ when they did so an’ aw that kinda stuff. Those ur questions that ur pairt ae life.