Pedro Lenz - Naw Much of a Talker

Marta but wis greetin aw the way hame. A bit scared she wis, probably, naw knowin how things wid go. An’ how long she widnae see Uli fur. Oan ye go, Marta, love. Hiv a wee greet jist. A guid greet’s guid fur ye. Ahd greet an’ aw if ah kid.

Ahd a glass ae wine wi her afore ah went hame. Jist the wan. Ah wantit tae finally tidy up at hame, ye see, an’ listen tae ma music in peace.

This life ae mine kin be dead-dead strange awright. Whit ah wis tae experience later that evenin wis probably the best-ivver thing that kid happen tae me but.

Saturday night, eleven o’clock. Listenin tae music, ahd drunk masel intae a semi-kinda-trance so ah didnae know: shid ah jist hit the sheets or go oot an spread this wee rush. Door bell goes. Nae idea who it kid be, this time o night. It’s Regula, tears in her eyes, an’ she’s shudderin an’ shiverin. They’d hid a fight aboot Buddy’s parents who wur due tae come an’ visit oan Sunday. They’d talked aboot the visit. He’d accused her ae often naw bein nice enough tae his parents, ae naw makin an effort. He wis tellin her tae get her act thegither oan Sunday. She tells him his mother an’ faither done her heid in: aw they constant wee hints boot them gettin merrit an’ that. He tellt her tae watch whit she wis sayin aboot his mother an’ faither. She kidnae give a toss aboot his parents. Then he says summit else an’ she says summit else an’ things git louder an’ louder an’ mair an’ mair angrier an’ then even mair angrier. Buddy, at some point, totally flips: his folks at least showed intrist in his life whereas hers showed intrist in fuck-aw. She tellt him tae shut his face. Mibbe, her parents wur insensitive or whitivver, aye. Least they didnae get on yir tits but like his. An’ above aw: her parents wurnae so totally fuckin possessive.

An’ then he gi’es it: Say it again! Gaun, say it again! Dare ye, say it again! — Totally fuckin unoriginal or whit. Those wur the jerk’s very words but. Like some juvenile fuckin dickhead who — a lifetime fuckin first — his overdid the booze an’ feels aw this Dutch fuckin courage suddenly. The hale time, aw she got fae him wis aggressive fuckin under-fuckin-currents. Buddy: Gaun, say it again! Dare ye, say it again! Tae begin wi, she laughed him ootae court, naw fur long but cos he twisted her fuckin arm. She’s then fuckin oota there, leaves the flat, fucks off jist, him shoutin eftir her nivver ivver tae come fuckin back in that case, cawin her aw the names in the book, he wis. Threw her shoes an’ handbag oot eftir her an’ aw, the cunt did.

She tellt me aw that at the door, wi’oot staoppin fur breath.

Come on in, Regi, jist come in first, c’mon, sit doon, hang oan, ah’ll jist shift they papers fur ye. Wha’d he dae? Battered ye? Buddy? Fuckin hell, fur real? C’mon, sit doon, please — relax, Regi. D’ye want a cuppa? Naw, wait, ah’ll get ye a brandy, ahv jist opened wan, that’ll be better than tea, disnae stain yir teeth. Noo, tell me it aw again, Regula. Take yir time. There’s nae rush. Tell me whit happened.

She wis jist greetin by this stage, wisnae in a position tae say fuck-aw so ah said nuthin an’ aw, pit some music oan an’ jist waited jist.

Eftir a while, she asks fur a fag an’ ah kin see she’s still shiverin an’ as ah look a bit closer, ah see her bottom lip’s swollen an’ she’s a rid patch unner her eye that’s gettin darker. Ah felt ma chist tightenin.

Christ, ah dont believe it — he hit ye in the face? Ye need tae report him tae the polis.

It’s awright, Goalie. Ahm here noo. He cannae touch me here.

It’s best ye report him. Ye nivver know wi guys like that. Ah know Gross quite well, the cop guy.

Jist leave it, Goalie. Forget it.

Wait, ah said, an’ ah peeled some veg an’ a few potatoes an’ made a soup, wi some ae that Waadtländer sausage in it ah happened tae hiv still in the fridge, an’ some leek an’ carrots. She shid eat summit, ah tellt her. The maist important thing noo wis tae eat summit. An’ she did eat.

When she’d hid enough, ah changed the bed an’ said on ye go, ah’ll sleep in the livin room an’ we kin take it fae there in the mornin.

Ah widnae be able tae sleep yet, Goalie, ahm faur too nervous.

Disnae matter. Lie doon jist an’ close yir eyes. Look, ahv got some Mellaril an’ a few Somnitol Plus capsules. That’ll help ye, ye mustn’t take too much ae them but. Take, say, two Mellaril an’ then two wee brandies. Then wait a bit an’ if ye dont faw asleep, take two or three Somnitols, definitely naw any mair than that but, or it’ll go fur yir stomach an’ then ye’ll definitely naw get any sleep.

She done exactly whit ah said an’ hawf an oor later wis sleepin like a wee pet or summit. An ah wis sittin beside her, wonderin how come ye kin only be a nice guy wance some cunt’s been a total cunt, like Buddy.

Tae get tae sit beside Regula an’ watch her sleepin is life at its fuckin best. The nicest thing, probably, a battle-weary cloon like me kin even imagine.

Whit worries me is that Regula’s the only wan, the only wan ae ivrywan ah know, who his nowt tae dae wi drugs an’ aw that shit. An’ nivver his hid, even if she works fur fuckin Pesche.

Ah think if ah want tae be in regular touch wi her, ah’ll need tae watch ah dont drag her too faur in. Too faur intae ma world. It widnae be guid fur her. She hisnae it easy as it is. Wi a boyfriend like that, an’ a fuckin boss like that.

Wance she’d went tae sleep, ah ate whit wis left ae the soup ah made her. Years ago, when ah wis a wee boy, if ahd a problem (an’ ah swear tae fuck: ahd problems even in they days) ma maw aye said tae eat summit first, things wid look diffrint if ah stopped tae eat summit.

Even wance ahd eaten but, nuthin hid changed. Regula looked gorgeous an’ innocent as she lay there dreamin, thanks tae ma Mellaril an’ Somnitol. As fur me: ma immediate future didnae look too rosy: nae money soon, a woman in ma pit who wisnae mine. A few sick friends an’ a mad desire tae run away fae aw that, anywhere, somewhere where it wis warmer an’ quieter, preferably wi Regula if she ivver woke up. Course, she’d wake fuckin up, ah shidnae be thinkin like that.

As ah hiv anither fag, wee Stofer comes back tae mind an’ how he wis boastin aboot inheritin a hoose fae his uncle, an auld farmhoose doon in Spain. An’ how he said if ivver ahd time an’ wantit tae, we kid head doon thegither.

Ah hiv tae be totally honest an’ say: ah dont believe this hoose story ae his is completely kosher. Tae start wi, Stofer nivver ivver mentioned an uncle fae who he kid inherit a hoose wan day. An’ if there wis ivver a cunt who tellt ye ivrythin, sometimes mair than ivrythin, then it wis wee fuckin Stofer. Secondly, if yiv a hoose like that, ye leave it tae a foundation fur poor weans or single mothers or summit like that — an’ naw tae the worst fuckin runner in the Fog. Even if yir related tae the cunt.

Ah unrolled a mat in the livin room an’ since ah kidnae find ma sleepin bag, ah used an auld winter coat an’ a tablecloth as covers. Fae the bedroom ye kid hear Regula’s breathin: regular. Even in her sleep, her eyes wur a bit funny, like a cat’s nearly, or the ice-skater’s whose name ahv forgot, who ah kin jist see but.

Part ae me wantit nuthin mair than tae close the door so as ahd hiv peace. At the same time but, ah couldnae know wis this goney be the first an’ last time Regula slept at ma place an’ so ah wantit tae be able tae hear her.

Tellin ye, ma nut wis spinnin, totally spinnin. Ma makeshift bed wis useless-as-fuck, ma nerves as taut as the cable oan the funicular up the Jungfrau. Ma thoughts wur daein whitivver they fuckin wantit wi me.

Yir a wuss, Goalie, ah tellt masel. How’d ye offer Regi yir ain bed an’ jist say ye’d sleep in the livin room jist? Ye kid hiv waited aff a bit afore allocatin the fuckin sleepin accommodation. She’ll end up thinkin yiv a problem wi women. Sayin that, if she dis think that, she willnae be far wrang. Ah dae hiv a problem. Wi her, that is.