Pedro Lenz - Naw Much of a Talker

That same evenin, the drug squad turned up. Gross wis the ainly wan ah knew. The ithers wurnae fae the Fog, wur fae elsewhere, Berne probably, wans ahd nivver seen afore anyhoo. They came wi a dug. A beautiful dug, it wis, a Labrador, ah liked it so ah did even if ah dont normally like dugs. They wur hardly in the door hardly when the dug went wild. Wis that ma bag? Naw, it wisnae, actually, it belonged tae a guy ah gave a lift tae recently. When he realised he’d forgot it, he’d be back fur it, nae doot. Who wis he? Name? Address? Ahd nae idea, like ah said but, he’ll be back lookin fur it, nae doot. It went back an’ forth like that fur ages. Me gi’in nuthin away that wid land some cunt in the shit.

The French guy didnae come back but an’ his bag wis full ae sugar. As fur me, ah wis noo in deep shit. Nae cunt’s goney believe such an idiotic fuckin story. Least of aw, a judge.

So yir expectin us tae believe this unlikely story?

Naw, believe whit ye want. Believe me but: if ahd a better story, ahd tell ye it. This is the only wan ah hiv but. Sorry.

An’ later, at the trial in Aarwangen: His the accused owt tae add oan this point?

Too right, ahd hiv a few things tae add, naw hawf ah wid. The question’s mair but: dis it make any sense at aw tae discuss aw this any further.

The lawyer they’d gi’en me, wan ae they worse-than-useless cunts appointed by the court, whispered intae ma ear ahd be better sayin fuck-aw than comin oot wi that kinda shite.

Then you fuckin say summit, mate. You’re the big fuckin professional here!

He kidnae mind us agreein we wur friends now.

If he wantit mair respect fae me, he wis goney hiv tae fuckin dae summit tae show his worth. His shiny wee leather briefcase an’ aff-the-shelf tie wisnae cuttin it.

How’d ah come tae know this ominous Frenchman? the judge wantit tae know.

Ah tellt him ah didnae even know he wis French. Aw ah knew wis: he’d spoken French. Aw kinds ae folk kin speak French but. An’ if someone spoke English, fur instance, it didnae mean he wis English necessarily. Tryin tae distract him, ah wis. Ah didnae want tae dig a hole fur Uli an’ aw.

Ye hivnae answered ma question. How’d ye get tae know this stranger in the first place?

That’s jist it: ah didnae know him. If ahd known him, ahd hiv tellt him tae look fur anither driver. Ahm too much ae a big saftie jist, probably.

Kin the accused tell us how, in answer tae each an’ ivry question, he tells us aw a wee story, wi’oot gi’in us the full picture but. Wi’oot joinin the dots up.

Ye see, that’s precisely the problem ah hiv. Ah kin only see the wee stories. Ah hivnae got whit it takes tae dae a bigger story. Wi a beginnin, middle an’ an end. An inner logic ae its ain. An arc an’ aw that jazz. Or ahm jist naw intristit in aw that cos ahm mair intristit in the wee stories. Ahm sorry if ahm naw gi’in ye whit ye wantit.

That’ll dae, thanks. Ye kin sit doon again.

Tae sum up: at the trial, ah probably said faur too much oan certain subjects an’ faur too little oan ithers. Ah jist wisnae smart enough. Ma super-lawyer hid tellt me time an’ time again an’ aw ahd get probation at maist if ah tellt them ivrythin fae the start an’ above aw if ah didnae forget tae mention names. Ahd tae lay it oan the line, he said: ivry single name, aw the facts, aw nice an’ clear. That wid then staun me in good stead so it wid.

You try but: staun up in court an’ say, by the way, this mate ae mine wis involved an’ aw, an’ this ither guy too, an’ this yin wis the maist involved, an’ ah wis the least, an’ blah blah blah blah. Naw. Ah mean ahm nae saint, nivver hiv been. Ye can say almost anythin ye want aboot me. Nae cunt kin say but ah ivver ratted oan someone in court. That’s summit ahd nivver dae.

Mibbe there ur guys that dae, they’re nuthin but poor cunts but, they’ve nae character, cos — as ma auld man aye said: if ye fuck up, son, staun up an’ acknowledge it at least. An’ if, on the hale, ah didnae learn a loat fae ma auld man exactly, ah at least hiv tae admit he’s right aboot that wan.

There’s nae point in goin oan too long aboot it. If ah ivver run intae that Frenchman again — or Arab, or whitivver the fuck he wis — ah’ll take him by the scruff ae the neck. Ah’ll be lookin fur a few explanations so ah will. Ahm sorry, a year’s a year but. An’ the Joke’s nae fuckin joke.

Uli’s gettin oot in a few days, then he’s joinin wan ae they therapeutic residential groups tae get dried oot. Somewhere in the Emmental, it is. A residential group. Or a family. Ah didnae hear right when Marta tellt me. Ah jist hope it’s naw fundamentalists that’ll be tryin tae convert him. There’s enough ae they cunts as it is, specially aroon these pairts. An’ wi Uli, ye nivver know. Like ah said, he wantit tae be a theologian at wan point. Ah well, ah suppose, right noo, the main thing is he gets rid ae the hepatitis as best he can an’ pits the maist ae the chaos behind him. Dont ivver underestimate the jaundice. If yir unlucky, it kin turn chronic.

When the time came, Marta asked did ah want tae go in the car wi them. The social worker, the guy fae the advice centre who wis drivin him, still hid a space in the car. Uli wid be pleased if ah came. It wisnae easy fur any ae us, eftir aw.

When ur yis gaun?

Saturday eftirnoon, aboot two.

Aye, ahd like tae, how naw? That means we’ll get tae see an’ aw whit the place is like. An’ if Uli thinks it’s aw a waste ae time, we kin take him straight hame again.

Dont say that, Goalie! He shid gi’e it a try, at least, even if he thinks — tae start wi — it’s aw a waste ae time. He needs tae bite the bullet, furra few days anyhow. Emmenegger — his social worker — tellt him that an’ aw. Tellt him tae gi’e it a try first. An’ naw tae turn up thinkin he wis goin straight back hame again. It’s a chance. Dae ye realise that? It’s naw ivry day ye get a chance like that. An’ if ye dont believe in it fae the ootset, well, it’s nivver goney work, is it?

Ye kid be right, of course. It’s naw me but ye hiv tae convince. It’s Uli. It’s Uli ye hiv tae convince.

That’s true. If you dont help an’ aw but — as his best mate — it’ll be mair difficult fur me tae persuade him.

Sometimes ah think it’s funny, almost, how sensible Marta kin be. Ah mean, if ye see her: reduced tae a skeleton, she is, an’ loopy as fuck. Then she comes oot wi aw that patter, aw this conscientious stuff. A loatae junkies ur like that when ye talk tae them: they come across sae wordly-wise an’ reasonable.

In Marta’s case, it his its advantages. If she cannae look eftir hersel, at least she kin look eftir Uli. An’ yet, in her case, it aye sounds so fake-serious. Sometimes she’s like a seven-year-old tellin her wee brother whit he’s allowed tae dae an’ whit he’s naw. Like ah said but, a loatae junkies ur like that. They’re constantly surrounded, eftir aw, by aw these social workers an’ doctors an’ therapists, the hale shop, an’ end up comin oot wi aw the same patter. They jist seem a bit mair loopier.

Okay, Marta, like ah said, if there’s still space, yis kin come an’ get me at two oan Saturday. Ah’ll be at hame. Itherwise, if Emmenegger causes any problems or disnae want tae drive by ma bit, jist gimme a wee phone an’ ah’ll come first tae where yous ur.

It aw worked oot perfectly an’ at aboot six, we drove back fae the Emmental. Uli’s first impressions wurnae so bad eftir aw. He didnae say a loat anyhow, an’ he didnae make a fuss. An’ this family he wis wi, these farmers, wurnae fundamentalists, ye kid see that right away, they wur used tae lookin eftir guys like Uli, knew the score, wur professionals kinda. It’s okay tae caw them that cos lookin eftir junkies, fur some farmers, is jist anither kinda branchin oot. Some ae them fatten calves an’ noo hiv rape fields. Ithers specialise in cheeses fae the Alps an’ keep goats. An’ ithers again take in junkies. They git grants fur aw they things. An’ like ah said, Uli’s first impressions wurnae so bad eftir aw.