Pedro Lenz - Naw Much of a Talker

Ah kin take ye as faur as Rothrist. Then ah hiv tae take the motorway.

Great. Merci buccups. As faur as Rothrist is magic. Then ah’ll take it fae there.

It’s guid craic, listenin tae a French-speaker tryin tae speak German.

In Rothrist, ah wait ten minutes, max, then a jeep gi’es me a lift, a Cherokee. The woman drivin it his quite a few jewels oan her fingers an’ is pickin her daughter up fae ballet in Olten. Wisnae much aulder than me, her in the Cherokee, mibbe even younger. She babbled oan a bit, ah wisnae listenin but, wis jist givin it ‘aye’ aw the time an’ thinkin ma ain thoughts. When ah looked at her, ye see, wi aw her expensive jewellery an’ her fine claes, ah realised ahm auld enough tae hiv daughters an’ aw that wid go tae ballet an’ hiv tae be taxied to an’ fro. An’ that ahd mibbe then hiv a jeep like this an’ aw an’ a very smart wife who’d hiv time tae chauffeur oor daughters aroon an’ tae give lifts tae hitch-hikers an’ who wid babble oan as much as this yin did. The thought ae aw that wisnae pleasant but.

Ye kin let me oot here. That’s perfect.

Ahm naw allowed tae stop here. It’s nae waitin ivrywhere. Whit’s that aw aboot? Soon aw car drivers’ll be allowed tae dae is pay fines an’ taxes. An’ godknows: the polis hiv better things tae dae. Jist think ae whit ye see oan TV. But naw but: it’s only ivver the drivers they’re eftir.

Yeah, naw ah jist meant: fae here oan in, ye kin drap me aff anywhere. Great, thanks a lot, ta very much, bye.

Where she drapped me aff, they’re aw oot even this early in the evenin. Women fae here. Women fae countries further east: Austria, Russia an’ the like. Women fae Africa. Women fae ah-don’t-know-where.

Course, it disnae matter sae much whether yir fae here, or elsewhere, dependin oan yir joab. Yir foreign anyhoo. Ahv known mair than wan woman who’s been active in this business. Ah dont want tae go oan aboot it. If yir oan drugs, there’s stuff yir prepared tae dae. Course, they’re naw aw addicts. A few dae it fur ither reasons. There’s nae shortage ae reasons. There’s nae shortage ae guys eether that’ll pay money even tae get a sniff ae a woman. The joab widnae exist itherwise. Ye shouldnae judge that kinda thing. Presumably that’s honest an’ aw. An’ there’s mibbe even worse ways ae bein honest. Whit ah want tae say but is: suddenly yir oan this street in Olten an’ ye see the women an’ ye see the limos that pull up an’ a woman gets in or disnae, an’ it gets ye thinkin, thinkin aboot aw the women yiv hid an’ the wans ye hivnae an’ the wans yir nivver fuckin goney. Then ye think ae the women who’ve tellt ye aboot bein oan the street. An’ then ye clock aw the things that kin happen in an evenin oan a patch like this. An’ then ye wish ye’d nivver left yir hame village an’ it wis still yir childhood an’ ivrythin wis still the wey it aye used tae be when yir maw sang ye tae sleep or yir faither tellt ye a bedtime story an’ then turned the light oot, an’ ivrythin ye knew aboot life, the hale fuckin loat, still fitted in yir heid still, yir beddin smelt ae fresh soap an’ mibbe a bit ae you an’ fuck-aw else.

Olten his better bits than this. Ah got masel away fae there. Ah went tae play pinball wi some ae the cash ahd saved oan the train ticket.

Nae idea whit like it is fur ither folk, see me but: ah kin pit a two-franc bit in, then keep playin till ma wrists faw aff. Staun me in front ae any machine an’ eftir the first three baws ahv it sussed an’ ah’ll guarantee ye that wi the second three ah’ll win a free go.

Ma favourites ur the auld machines that talk tae ye. Hit Gate One! Hit the Multiball Target! Well Done, Player One! Go for the Jackpot!

Wi they yins, ah aye imagine a wee man inside, a cute wee dwarf sittin there who kin speak dead-good English an’ who likes ye an’ wants tae help ye, jist cos he dis.

There’s nae cunt tae help me but. Nae wee cunt an’ nae big cunt eether. Naw even me masel kin help me.

Ah take the train hame an’ at the station in the Fog, ah hiv a few mair beers wi the jerks who ur aye sittin there, hivin a beer an’ waitin fur time tae pass. They’re probably quite happy at that cos, sooner or later, time always dis pass.

By the time ah hit the sheets, ahm feelin guid-tae-really-guid again.

It wis a fortnight, jist aboot, afore Regula started speakin tae me again.

Ah called her a few times an’ talked tae her, swore ahd nowt tae dae wi aw that crap at Cobbles an’ that ahd left anythin even remotely tae dae wi drugs behind me, part fae the fact ah know Uli an’ Marta, ye cannae dae anythin aboot that but can ye, cos friends ur friends an’ they two wur the only two ah hid, ahd known them since nursery, an’ wid she, Regula, please fur-fuckin-chrissake believe me please, even the fuckin polis believed me, an’ it wisnae as if that didnae tell ye summit if ye stopped tae think aboot it etc.

An’ then she said awright then an’ that she wis goin iceskatin oan Saturday wi her wee godchild an’ ah kid come alang if ah wantit, that wey we kid skate a bit an’ talk an’ she’d treat me tae a hot punch, it wid dae me guid.

It wisnae bad tae start wi. Ah hired a pair ae skates an’ kid tell right away ah wis still naw bad at it. Like smokin, it is: if, at some point, yiv learnt how tae dae it, ye nivver really forget. Then but, when we let her wee godchild skate aroon oan her ain a bit an’ we jist stood at the side jist, she wis suddenly wantin tae know again, Regula, how it wis ahd done time.

Know summit, Regi, ah dont like talkin aboot it. Mibbe but, at some point, in Religion or at Sunday school, someone tellt ye whit a scapegoat is. The auld Israelites piled aw the junk that wis burdenin them ontae a goat — symbolically, of course — then chased it oot intae the wilderness. So the goat’s oot in the wilderness, wi aw the sins an’ lies an’ crimes ae humanity oan its shooders, cannae find anythin tae drink an’ so it dies ae thirst an’ nivver comes back of course, dis it, an’ the people aw rejoice, gi’in it: this is guid, noo it’s guid, noo aw that junk’s been left behind in the wilderness. As fur us, wiv been liberated. Guid oan ye, scapegoat!

That’s roughly whit happened tae me an’ aw, cept ah ended up bein the goat though ahm naw an effin goat an’ ma wilderness wis in among the lakes — the Joke, tae be precise — an’ nae cunt ivver gave it ‘guid oan ye’. The opposite, in fact.

Wis ah suggestin ahd done time fur ither folk an’ if so, how hid ah? An’ fur who?

Ye see, Regi, those ur the very questions nae cunt’s intristit in any mair. That’s how ah tend naw tae talk aboot it.

But ah ahm, Goalie. Ahm interested, Regula said.

Ah pit ma airm roon her — tae make things a bit mair intimate like — afore ah opened up. Jist ma luck but: at that very moment, her wee goddaughter hit the ice, so tae speak, then made an immediate beeline fur her, cryin her wee eyes oot cos she’d hurtit her knee or shin or summit. So we’d tae change the subject.

Eftir the skatin, she took the wean back tae her sister. Ah went wi her an’ asked wid she let me treat her tae her dinner.

Ur ye back in the money?

Widda hiv asked if ah wisnae? It’s naw as if we need tae go tae a five-star joint, is it. We kid go tae ma place, fur instance, an’ ah kid cook her summit.

Buddy’s expectin me but.

Ah let oan ahd tae work oot who this Buddy guy wis. Then suddenly gave it: och aye, Buddy, ahd forgot aw aboot him, jist aboot. Buddy! How cant ye jist forget him?

She’d nae immediate answer tae that, an’ that pleased me in itsel cos if ye cant come up wi reasons fur how ye want tae be wi someone, that mibbe means that relationship isnae daein it any mair fur ye. An’ that ye shid mibbe think aboot cawin it a day. Ah didnae actually say it, ah knew but — gi’en hawf the chance — ah kid get used tae the idea.