Pedro Lenz - Naw Much of a Talker

She wis like that: a dunderheid, ah wis. She hidnae said nuthin against the stories. Ah jist didnae want tae unnerstaun. That wisnae at aw whit she meant. Did ah think she wis speakin cos she liked the sound ae her ain voice, or whit? Naw, ah knew exactly whit she’d meant.

Then ah wis like that: naw ah didnae, naw ah didnae know, ahd like tae but, an’ kid she mibbe explain it again, ah aye wis a bit slow on the fuckin uptake.

An’ she gave it: there wisnae anythin concrete. It wis mair general. It wis aboot me showin mair willingness tae listen tae her. An’ takin her an’ whit she wantit tae talk aboot mair on board.

An’ then ah gave it: wis this a pre-emptive strike, or whit, oan her part? Wis she tellin me ahd tae be a better listener jist in case — at some future point — she wantit tae tell me summit?

An’ at that, she disappeared in a puff ae smoke. An’ ah sat oan. Frustrated. Sad. Livid wi masel. Despairin, pretty much.

Followin day, we travelled back. Same way we came. Fuck-all tae write hame aboot but.

Since ah got back fae Spain, an’ that’s a fortnight ago awready, ahv been in a bad way. Regula’s been a bit withdrawn, as if she wis embarrassed by the familiarity ae bein oan holiday thegither, or wis still bearin a grudge fur aw ma drivel that final evenin.

She’s moved ootae Buddy’s place, aye. She tellt me but that that wis atween her an’ Buddy an’ naw tae go thinkin it hid owt tae dae wi me. Anyway: she noo needed some time tae hersel an’ tae find herself again eftir aw that hassle.

That’s fine so it is. Ahm naw uncomfortable wi that. Oan the contrary: ah think it makes sense fur her an’ Buddy tae separate. Buddy isnae the right man fur someone like Regula. That’s whit ahv aye said an’ aye will say. Stuff like that ah kin put on repeat. Honest.

Whit ah am uncomfortable wi, is the story wi the hoose. Ah mean, c’mon, how did that wee cunt — Stofer — hiv tae tell me a loadae bollocks aboot his uncle an’ fuckin inheritance? Whit wis the reason fur inventin a fuckin uncle? An’ hoo much dis Uli know?

At first, ah wantit tae go straight tae Uli an’ tell him ivrythin Valentin hid tellt me. Then ah minded but: Uli wis still wi they farmers. An’ whit’s mair: fur the first time in ma life, ahd the feelin ah kidnae trust the cunt a hunner percent.

Whit dae ye want tae drink, Goalie?

Lime blossom tea, please.

Lime blossom tea?

Jist jokin.

Very funny. Not.

Ye dont hiv tae think it’s funny, Regula. Ah think it’s funny, kinda. An’ that’ll dae me. Even jist the thought ae orderin a lime blossom tea’s pretty funny.

It wid dae ye good anyhow. Noo tell me whit ye dae want. There’s ither folk wantin tae order.

A coffee wi schnapps in it, please.

Ahm very sorry tae hiv tae say it: Regula’s gettin oan ma tits suddenly but. Ah still like her, dont get me wrong, ahv the feelin but she’s gettin tae be annoyin. Naw, it’s true. Ah like her, at the same time but she annoys the fuck ootae me, explain that yin if ye can, that’s the way it is but. Whit ah like is the serious side ae her. Her inner calm. Whit annoys me is exactly the same things. And whit’s mair: sorry, but ah let her stay at mine, ah took her oan holiday, an’ wur still naw an item. She still behaves as if we knew each ither tae see, jist. Ye ivver seen the like?

Look who it is! Goalie! Whit ye daein here? Ah thought ye wur barred?

Hi, Paule. The ban’s been lifted. Ahm oan probation noo. That right, Pesche?

Pesche disnae answer. Probably thinkin ahm tryin tae provoke him. Ah want the exact opposite too. Ah want us two tae be a bit mair relaxed in each ither’s company again. Fur a landlord, Pesche’s as wary as fuckin fuck. If yir as wary as Pesche is, ye’d be better aff bein an auditor or school inspector or daein some joab like that. If ye want yir ain pub but, it helps tae like folk, ah widda thought.

Paule orders a Café Hag wi two Assugrin. So: a decaff. A coffee that isnae coffee wi sugar that isnae sugar, tae be exact.

How’s life itherwise, Goalie?

Naw bad, thanks. Yirsel?

Awright, aye.

Tell me summit, Paule. How long ye been a postie awready?

Me? Since ah did ma trainin. Let’s see, that’s fourteen year awready. Why ye askin?

Simple. Ahm surprised, jist.

Know summit, Goalie? Ivry time we meet, ye hiv a go at me cos ahm a postie. Dae ye even realise yir daein it? Yir aye haverin oan aboot us posties or the post office. Hiv ye a problem wi us, or whit?

Ah dont know masel. Mibbe ah shoulda joined the post office an’ aw. When ah left school.

Ye’d hiv hid tae smarten yir act up, if so.

Sock it tae me, Paule. Go on, sock it tae me. Yir right. Anither thing but: did wee Stofer naw use tae work fur the post office an’ aw?

Martin Stofer? The wan that’s sae slim, ye kid nearly fuckin smoke him? When he done his military service, he used tae hide behind his machine gun, apparently. Super-thin, he wis, even in they days. But aye but: yir right. He also worked fur the post office. Started a year or two eftir me. He wisnae a postie but. A counter clerk, he trained tae be.

There we hiv it.

Hiv whit?

Nuthin, ah jist said there we hiv it cos ahm right. Cos ah knew Stofer trained wi the post office.

D’ye know why he left back then?

Naw. Go on but — tell me.

Paule hesitates, looks roon, then speaks a bit mair quietly: word hid it, his arithmetic wis a bit too original. Know whit ah mean?

Wis he a gangster back in they days even?

Shoosh! Naw sae loud, Goalie. Ah dont know any mair than that. The wan thing ah dae know is: it wis said back then he wis embezzling. Naw huge amounts, as faur as ah know. Still but. They confronted him wi it. He admitted it. Wis fired oan the spot. Wis tellt tae leave. An’ that wis it: end of.

He wisnae charged?

Faur as ah know, naw. Ye know but: it takes a lot fur someone in the post office tae be charged. Ah know ae wan colleague who wis supposed tae deliver letters. Ye might naw think so, it’s a sensitive job but: ye nivver know whit kinda letters yir cairryin roon. There kid be money in wan ae they letters, or summit else important. Okay, so this colleague’s goin up Hinterbergweg wi his delivery cart. There wis shitloads ae snow, so hawfway up, it occurs tae him he kid leave the cart at the side ae the path an’ jist cairry the letters he needs. Wur naw allowed tae dae that but, ye know? Wur naw allowed tae leave the letters unattended. That’s totally standard practice, it’s a question ae responsibility, as ye learn right at the start ae yir trainin. Anyway: while the postie wis deliverin his letters, a snowball fight started. Next thing, schoolboys wur takin cover behind the guy’s cart. The ither boys bombarded them wi snowballs. Course, aw these snowballs landed in the cart. Postie didnae notice till later but, by which time aw the fuckin letters wur soakin fuckin wet. That wis nae trivial matter, Goalie. Guy works oan an assembly line these days. Whit ahm sayin is: even if it wis a huge deal an’ he wis redeployed internally, he wisnae charged. Jist like Stofer wisnae later.

Whit dae ye say, Paule, will we hiv anither coffee? Wi schnapps, of course. — It’s oan me.

Wi schnapps? Ah shid go easy on the coffee, Goalie. Ahv a delicate stomach. It runs in the family, ma faither wis the same.

C’mon, that wont matter. In a guid coffee wi schnapps, there’s hardly any coffee anyhoo.

Paule’s still a bit wary still. He’s probably feart ahm goney hiv a go at him.

Regula, can ye get me two coffees, wi schnapps in them. Pit a loatae love into it but eh.

We carry oan talkin furra guid while, the postie an’ me. Ahv the feelin the hale time he wants tae tell me summit important. Pesche, the landlord, his an eye oan oor table throughoot. Regula’s lettin oan she’s busy. The clock above the bar — wi advertisin fur fuckin Cinzano oan it — stopped a long time ago. Noo the postie whispers: