Pedro Lenz - Naw Much of a Talker

Regula looks at me. That wonderful amazed look she his only a very rare time. Ah cannae believe it, she says.

Naw, Regula, take it fae me. Take it fae me. Aw that exists. Plenty ae other stuff an’ aw. Ye can believe it awright.

Oor two heids wur really close. She wis still lookin at me that same way. Ahd the impression, nearly, she wis lookin in ma face fur traces ae that fight twenty year ago. Ah inched closer, pit ma hauns oan her cheeks an’ kissed her oan the mooth. It wisnae lust. It wis direct but. An’ the crucial thing wis: Regula kissed me back, long an’ slow. Tenderly. Properly. Finally.

Ah didnae go tae work the next day. If yir as happy as ah wis that mornin ye cannae jist go tae work as if nowt his happened: matter ae self-respect, that is. So ah skipped work. Didnae even phone in. When the phone then went, mid-mornin, it hid tae be the work, ah reckoned. Ah wis oan the back foot even as ah said ma name, even. Then but, ah listen mair closely an’ it’s Uli at the ither end.

Ah wis glad ah didnae need tae make up some lie. Uli! Ah dont believe it! Whit a surprise. Ye still alive?

Whit ye up tae, Goalie?

Ahm at hame.

So ah see.

Ah shid be at work actually.

Oh yeah, true — ah didnae think ae that — that ye kid be slavin away. Noo but, noo yir oan the phone, ah assume yir naw at yir work.

Yir a genius, Uli. Joined-up thinkin, eh? Ahm amazed.

Arent ye just? Eh?

Where ur ye?

Ahm at hame an’ aw!

Whit — ye done wi the farmers?

Naw, oan holiday!

Whit dis that mean? Ye hivnae jist fucked aff, hiv ye? Ye goin back?

Course ah am. Ahm naw finished yet. It’s a longer-term thing wi this farmin family. They’re naw the worst in the world, honestly naw. Noo but, ahm on leave till the day eftir themorra.

Great. Take it ah’ll be seein ye?

That’s how ahm callin, Goalie.

We met at the station. Even if the weather wis cauld an’ ugly, Uli wantit a bit ae a walk. Lookin a loat better, he wis. Ahd nearly even say: he looked normal, like a normal person, sorta.

Life oan the farm wis clearly daein him guid. Edi came back tae mind. Edi wis a character fae oor primary school years, a character fae wan ae they readin books. We learnt tae read usin Edi stories. Edi, Mama, Papa, it said, fur example, oan wan page. Or: Edi is in bed. Edi is in the house. Edi is in the garden. Edi is at the table. Edi is quiet. Eat, Edi, eat. Run, Edi, run. Etc, etc. This Edi boy — in oor first readin book, in Primary 1, as ah say — wis a bit lanky, a bit pale. So he wis allowed tae go an visit relatives ae his oan a farm. Tae build his strength up. This gave us weans, in Primary 1, the chance tae learn the names ae aw the animals: Edi is in the barn. Edi sees a pig. Edi sees a calf. Edi sees a chicken. Edi has some soup. Edi is a good boy. Edi is cheerful. Tellin ye: Edi boy wis something else. Hale generations ae us learnt tae read an’ write wi this wee sick boy. Magine! If ye unnerstaun Edi, ye’ll unnerstaun us better an’ aw, mibbe — an’ when Edi got back fae the farm, he’d rid cheeks, even.

Ah tell Uli aw that Edi stuff his come back tae me noo ahm seein him again. Ah ask him kin he mind Edi?

Rings a bell, aye. A distant yin. But really only because you’re talkin aboot it but. Ahd forgot aw aboot it, nearly. Tell me, Goalie, how come you nivver forget stuff like that? It’s a lang, lang time ago. Jist fuckin forget it aw.

How shid ah? It disnae take up that much space in yir brain. Ah kin mind loads ae stuff. An’ sometimes ah kin take bits ae it oot an’ use them. It’s guid sometimes tae hiv stuff at the back ae yir brain. Tell me somethin else but, Uli. How well dae ye know wee Stofer?

Minute ah say that, Uli his a coughin fit. Ah wait — patiently — till he’s done coughin. Ah wait fur an answer. Ah kin see he’s lookin ill again, jist aboot.

Wee Stofer?

Aye, wee Stofer.

Hoo well ah know him?

Exactly. Hoo well ye know him.

Ah know him a bit, aye. Same as you. Know him fae the pub, fae hivin a few jars. Smokin heroin. Ivry noo an’ then, he actually sellt some. A runner, he wis, smaw fry. Naw wan ae the big boys. Ye know that yirsel. How ye askin?

Is it possible at aw that wee Stofer an’ Pesche fae Cobbles an’ you an’ that French guy ah picked up in Pontarlier — is it possible, ahm wonderin, at aw that yis aw decided tae get thegither tae dae a big deal? Ah mean — admit it yirsel — it’s thinkable yis aw once said: enough ae aw this messin aroon wi a few grams here, a few grams there, fuck fifty- an’ hunner-franc notes, we want intae the big league.

Uli’s lookin at me still.

An’ tell me, Uli, is it mibbe possible that — fur some bastarn reason — me daein time wis part ae that plan? Is it possible wan ae yis hid the bright idea ae sacrificin Goalie? Whitivver the point ae that wis.

Tell me, Goalie, hiv ye hid wan too many? Hiv ye been takin pills?

Naw, the opposite in fact. Ma heid’s as clear as a tarn. An’ even allowin fur the fact ah kin be a bit fuckin naïve at times, ah dont feel very comfortable wi aw this. Sorry, ahv a loatae thinkin tae dae but, if yis did dae a deal at ma expense. An’ there’s me thinkin, still thinkin, yis ur aw ma pals, mates even.

At yir expense? Mibbe yiv forgot but ye got 5k fur it!

An’ nearly a year in the Joke. Dont forget the Joke, Uli. Five thoo willnae buy a shack doon in Spain. Naw a really smaw yin, even. An’ naw in Morocco, even.

Whit d’ye want me tae dae, Goalie?

Nuthin.

So whit ur ye haverin oan aboot?

Ahd jist like tae know how a lousy bunch ae bob-a-jobbers — normally hardly able, hardly, tae push hawf a gram ae sugar — wis suddenly dreamin ae big fuckin business. Whit wid interest me even mair is: hoo come, tae go fur that dream, ye hid tae fuckin sideline a harmless cunt like me? Whose fuckin bright idea wis that? Remind me, Uli: hoo long hiv us two known each ither?

Fur ivver.

Naw, see, that’s where yir wrang. Ye dont know me. Naw really. As fur me, ahm jist fuckin gettin tae know you, mate.

Uli took a sharp left, intae the trees. Ah wondered furra minute shid ah take a right an’ continue wi’oot him. Ah decided but, ah didnae want tae make it that easy fur the cunt. Ah stayed wi him anither bit.

Whit exactly wis it yis wur up tae? Or ur still up tae — is that it?

Ahv nae idea whit yir oan aboot, Goalie. Yiv taken too many dodgy drugs, obviously. Mibbe you shid sign yirsel intae a farm an’ aw.

Ahm takin nuthin, Uli. Ahm takin fuck-aw.

Only you kin know for sure.

How’s Marta?

She his nowt tae dae wi this.

That’s naw how ahm askin.

She’s awright. Faur as it goes. Naw seen her recently?

Ah wis in Spain an’ hid a loat oan at work itherwise.

Listen, mate, ah feel a bit sick. Is it awright wi you if we start tae turn back?

Naw a problem at aw, Uli. Ah know, eftir aw, yir the world fuckin champion when it comes tae changin the subject. Or completely avoidin wan.

Wan mair thing, Uli, an’ it’s important. Ah nivver wance named a name, naw tae the drug squad, naw in court, an’ naw any ither place eether. Leak-proof, ah wis. As leak-fuckin-proof as a brand-new oilskin. An’ yous knew that. Yis knew an’ aw yis kid sacrifice me an’ ahd nivver name names. The wan thing ah cannae get intae ma thick fuckin heid but is: how did ah hiv tae be sent tae the slaughter. Yis kidda left me totally ootae it. That widnae hiv changed fuck-aw. Cept ahd’ve hid ma peace. An’ yous, yours.

Uli’s tremblin. His face is aw covered in that sickly sweat again. Colour ae cheese, he is. Ah know that masel fae back then. Fae when ah wis still oan them masel. Whit ah dont know is whit’s goin oan inside Uli. Ah kin see but he’s ashamed. The wey dugs kin be sometimes.