Bernadette Azizi - Undying

Realistically Catherine, there is no way there could be anyone in here with you!

But things aren’t real anymore…

Slowly, I pulled the towel from my face. The bathroom had steamed up from the hot water tap. I turned around gradually… I wasn’t able to see anything. I still felt unsure. The air was thick and lacked oxygen. My back was now leaning on the sink. The sound of the running water caught my attention so I turned around and turned the tap off. The bathroom was still steamy. My body was frozen and I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. I stood there timid and fearful. I prayed for the steam to clear so I could see enough to be able to leave. As the steam started to disappear, I could see that the bathroom mirror had been half-wiped, but not by me. I didn’t want to look directly at it. I didn’t want to see anything.

“Catherine, are you alright?” James yelled from outside the door.

The sound of James’s voice gave me the strength to slowly walk to the bathroom door and open it.

“Is everything alright?” James repeated.

I turned back to the bathroom, which was now cool and steam free, and the mirror was completely clear and dry.

“Yes,” I uttered, as I walked passed him back into the bedroom.

James opened the door wide and looked in the bathroom with suspicion. He knew I was not telling him the truth, I could tell, and I knew that it saddened him, but I had no choice.

Neither one of us went back to bed. We sat there in silence not knowing what to say. The tension in the room was high.

“What happened in the bathroom?”

“I don’t want to talk about it!”

“You have no choice, Catherine!”

“I know you’re not oblivious. And I know that you know something happened in there,” I confessed, looking towards the bathroom. “But… I don’t know… This time it was different. I understand this is serious,” I admitted.

James stood quietly in front of me.

I decided not to tell him… anyway what was I suppose to say.

His lips tightened as he tried to compose himself.

“Yes, this is serious. But I have to say, I preferred it when if you weren’t aware and were still able to be carefree. I wish you could have remained indifferent to all this. It would have been easier for you,” he said.

I wanted him to hold me and kiss me and love me but he didn’t. He didn’t touch me, and I didn’t know why.

The holidays finished too quickly. With the students and most of the teachers away for the holidays, James and I had enjoyed less worry about me being caught coming and going from his room. It was a lot harder to get in and out of James’s room, and keep our secret, when the students and teachers were back at the college.

The day the students arrived back was an unusually sunny day. I put on a summer dress, taking full advantage of the warm weather. Jules and I had become particularly close this break and she was now starting to open up about Dr Simons. I was so happy for them.

I snuck out of James’s room and headed down to the grounds to meet and greet with the boys as they returned. When I arrived in the foyer, I was stopped by a young boy’s voice yelling “Miss, Miss?” from across the hall. As he ran towards me, I recognised him as Mark, one of my more promising students and Richard Cartwright’s son. He was a very sweet and shy boy, nothing like his father.

“Yes Mark? Welcome back. I hope you enjoyed your break?” He started to slow down his run as he approached me.

“Yes, yes Miss. It was splendid. And you?” he asked.

“Oh, I spent most of my time relaxing here,” I replied.

“My father is outside. He wanted me to ask if he could speak with you for a moment. I’m not in trouble am I?” the boy asked, clearly nervous.

“No, of course not. You are a great student!” I replied quickly, setting him at ease. “Come, let’s find your father and you will see that you have nothing to worry about.”

He nodded nervously and started to lead the way. I had no desire to see Richard, but it was for a good cause. Richard was surrounded, as per usual, by a handful of women trying to get his attention. As soon as we were spotted, he left his fan club and headed towards us.

“There you are! You are a hard person to get hold of,” Richard said.

“Mark said you wanted to see me? Is there anything wrong?” I asked.

“Wrong? No not at all,” he replied.

“See, I told you!” I said as I squeezed Mark’s arm. He smiled with relief.

“Wait!” Richard yelled, grabbing my arm as I started to walk away.

“Richard,” I whispered, shocked by his touch.

“I’m sorry, please don’t leave. I wanted to speak with you.”

“What is it?” I asked, trying to sound uninterested.

“Mark, why don’t you run along? I will see you soon.”

“Alright”!” was the reply as Mark shuffled off towards the college.

I looked at Richard with irritation. All those so-called devoted mothers had now given us their undivided attention and that was making me feel very uneasy.

“Richard, please. Everyone is looking at us now. Can’t this wait?”

“How is your leg,” he asked, releasing my arm, showing no reaction to what I just said.

“Better,” I snapped. I was still sore about him telling James about the locket the way he did.

“I just needed to see you again… Catherine, I can’t stop thinking… about you,” he whispered, looking away almost shy.

“Mr Cartwright, please stop! I don’t want to hear anymore!” I said conscious that many eyes were on us.

“Please let me finish. Seeing you that day at the cottage, terrified and hurt was unbearable. I have never cared for anyone’s well being as much as I did that day. What would have happened if I wasn’t there for you,” he added.

I couldn’t argue. After recent events, he was right. I cannot and do not want to imagine what could have happened to me. My silence seemed to give Richard false hope. He took a step closer to me.

“I know it may seem… that I enjoy all this attention,” he said looking in the direction of the mothers, “but I don’t. I never have. This is all a charade, but you… this is real, I know the difference. Please don’t leave.” He then took a step closer to me and waited. For what, I wasn’t quite sure.

“Mr Cartwright! I think your helping me that day at the cottage has given you false feelings towards me. I don’t want to hear anymore. I am going to walk away now. Please let me!”

I took a second before turning and walking away. I kept my head down as I made my way to the main building, not wanting to see who was still watching. I headed to the main doors, deciding to stay there and greet the boys as they came through. I then cowardly scouted to see if Richard had left. I wasn’t off the hook just yet. He was still standing there, looking in my direction. I looked away quickly; noticing James with his arms crossed taking a defensive stance.

I hope to God he didn’t see us talking! Who am I kidding? Of course he did and he probably saw Richard grabbing my arm. What am I going to do? I can’t possibly wait until this evening to explain. I need to speak with him now .

After convincing myself, I headed straight to James. I walked swiftly, not making eye contact with anyone. I passed Richard, who was still watching me, and his eyes followed me towards James. James was now staring straight at Richard with angry eyes. I began to think this was a bad idea, my being here.

“James?”

He turned to me then looked away.

“You should go inside.”

“Only if you come with me!” I pleaded.

James looked at me. The firm look on his face melted away as he looked into my eyes. He gave me a smile and nodded. The restraint I had to use, not to hold onto his arm, was incredible. When we arrived at the doors, James turned to me. He looked amazing. With all the tension around us, I hadn’t noticed how beautiful he looked today.