Bernadette Azizi - Undying

I quickly placed the products in the bathroom and came back out. My eyes were everywhere, scouting unsure to what I was thinking or planning to do. Was I really thinking about taking something? Hearing the vacuum being dragged down the hallway, I knew I’d better hurry if I was going to snoop. I didn’t want to open any of his drawers, that would be wrong, so I pulled a few papers that were sticking out of a brown leather book on his desk and placed them under my top and immediately walked out.

“Thank you. I appreciate your help,” Mary said as she walked past me.

“You’re welcome,” I replied, heading back to my room.

I threw the papers on my bed and stepped back. What have I done ? I felt awful and disappointed with myself. How could I do something like that? How could I possibly ever return them? I couldn’t…

I began pacing the room, not knowing what to do. This was wrong on so many levels, but it’s done now, I can’t take it back. Maybe it’s nothing important. It could well be a shopping list or scribbles.

“Damn.” I headed to my bed and picked them up. I sat on my desk and opened them up.

It was a grid of some sort with the initials J.B. and number 1878. Other letters and numbers were all over the page, but it was too cryptic. Was J.B. for James Barclay? Could this be what James said about Mr Kemp’s research? Why would Mr Kemp be researching James? On another page was an emblem. I paused for a moment. I’ve seen this before … I placed a finger on it and followed the outline, and by heart I knew the design . Where had I seen this before?

What was I suppose to do with these papers now. I would have to destroy them, but they could be important. I took them and placed them in one of the pockets of my luggage until I could figure out what to do with them.

I needed to be somewhere other than this room, so I headed to my classroom to find refuge.

I sat quietly at my desk with my face in my hands until there was a knock on my door.

“Excuse me Miss, may I speak with you?” called Mark.

I sat up and brushed my hair from my face and tried to find some composure.

“Yes Mark, of course.”

“Um… I’m sorry; I know this is none of my business. But I just want to know. Is it true that you and my father are together?”

I took a deep breath and tried not to take my devastating afternoon out on him.

“Mark, has your father said anything to you about us being together?” I enquiry.

“No… not at all,” he replied quickly.

“Then what has given you the impression that we are?”

“I know he likes you… A great deal, and the other students are talking.”

I gave him a warm smile. There was no need for him to suffer. He had done nothing wrong. What was I supposed to say? I more or less admitted to Jules that I was with Mr Cartwright. This was all Richard’s fault. His public behaviour this morning started all this. Jealous mothers, wagging tongues and James’s obvious outrage at seeing Richard with me had also contributed.

“Mark, your father is a gentleman and any woman would be proud to be with him.”

The words sent a chill down my spine. Mark had a great big smile on his face. He nodded and then left. Once the door was closed, tears ran down my face. I knew that this game I was about to play could hurt many people, but I had no choice. Jules had thought it, I had stupidly admitted to it, the school was talking about it and Mr Cartwright wants it. And now I was hoping that James would be so jealous that he would want me back.

I stayed in the classroom for a few more hours. The room was getting darker and colder as the minutes passed. James and Mr Kemp had forbidden me from being alone, but I guess it didn’t matter anymore. Exhausted, I headed back to my room. The halls were empty, silent and cold, just like I was feeling right now. As I reached the top of the stairs to our rooms, I had to walk past James’s room to get to mine. It didn’t feel normal to me. I belong in there with him. Just this morning we woke up in each other’s arms, feeling warm and safe. I got to his door and stood there for a moment, touching the door as I closed my eyes closed for a second. It was unbearable. I needed a plan, and quickly, to get me back with the man I love. I was so worn out. I didn’t even have the energy to change my clothes. When I got into bed, it was cold and my room seemed unfamiliar, bringing back memories of my first day here. What was I going to do about this mess I had gotten myself into? Just the look on Mark’s face confirmed that he would tell Richard that I didn’t deny the rumors. I have to figure out what to do before Friday when Mark heads home. Only four days. It will definitely get back to James that I am with Richard. I feel like I am back at school, playing childish games to get what I want. I am willing to do just about anything to get him back.

I grabbed a pillow and held on to it, wishing it was James. I closed my eyes and cried myself to sleep.

I woke up unusually early the next morning, with memories of last night’s dream fresh in my mind. I had not had a single dream in the months while I was with James. It was strange that now, the first night that we were not together, the dreams, nightmares even, had started again .

Even though it was still quite early, I decided to get up and have a shower. I wanted to make sure that I looked my best in case James and I crossed paths. As I left my room, Jules was also leaving hers.

“Morning, Jules.”

“Good morning, Catherine.” She wore a suspicious smile on her face. “Are we seeing someone special today? Perhaps… Mr Cartwright?”

“No, I am not seeing anyone today,” I said with a bogus smile.

“I was talking to Dr Simons last night about all four of us going to dinner this Friday evening in the village?”

“Four of us,” I repeated surprised.

“Yes, Dr Simons, myself, you and Mr Cartwright.”

“Oh… Right… um, I don’t know. I really don’t know when I will be speaking with him again.”

“Oh, I don’t expect you to invite him. I will have Dr Simons call him and make the arrangements. Once I can convince him that you are with Mr Cartwright!”

“What?”

“Dr Simons refuses to believe that you and Mr Cartwright are an item. I must say, he was quite adamant I had it all wrong.”

“Oh well, I guess it was a shock to some. I need to see him today about my leg, and I will talk with him then.”

“Oh would you dear? That would be lovely. I need to run. I have to go to the library before my class. I will see you later at lunch. Goodbye,” she said as she ran past me.

“Bye.”

“Good morning Cathy. I trust you slept well?” Mr Kemp asked as he approached me from behind. I continued to lock my door without responding.

“I hope you’re not mad at me. In time you will see that this is for the best, and everything is the way it should be. Well, it will be when you return to Australia.”

“You are an awful man. Everything is not the way it should be. I am not with James!” I whispered back, angrily.

“Yes… but you are now with Mr Cartwright and you are not tempting fate by being with Mr Barclay.”

“I am not with…” I stopped. It wasn’t worth it, he had made up his mind about James and I and there was nothing I could do about it.

“I have to go,” I added.

“The offer of changing rooms is still on the table!” he howled down the hall.

I couldn’t get away from him quick enough. I headed straight to Dr Simons’ room, which was near my classroom, knowing he spent most mornings there reading the paper to avoid interruption. In my haste, I dropped my folder and all my papers at the entrance to the main foyer and the wind from outside sent them flying. I got down on the floor and gathered what I could while they were still within arm’s reach before running around reception like a fool collecting the rest. I piled them all up while sitting on the floor. Luckily for me, I had worn trousers today.