Bernadette Azizi - Undying

“Are these yours?” a voice asked from outside.

I looked up, pulling my hair away from my face to see who it was.

“Here, please let me help you.”

It was Richard, standing over me with his hand out. Seeing him today had not been in the plan, but there was no backing out now. I had to make this plan work. It’s not like I was hurting him. He has everything going for him: wealth, looks and a fan club.

“Thank you,” I said as I took his hand to be helped up.

“We really have to stop meeting like this. I seem to find you on the ground more than on your feet, Catherine.”

“Hmmm, I’m just clumsy. I was in hurry, and my folder, and the wind…” I muttered as I momentarily forgot the English language.

“I spoke to Mark last night. Look, I am not going to dance around this. Mark told me of your conversation yesterday.”

“Ah-ha…” I nodded shyly, still unprepared.

His smile was indescribable. It forced me to smile against my will. He was dressed more casual than usual, and I suspected he had been in a hurry to get here.

I fiddled with my papers, feeling awkward and guilty about what I was planning.

“Catherine, please, if there is even a slight chance that you do not completely hate me, you have to tell me?”

I was puzzled with his question and was unsure how to respond so I took a second, but that didn’t help, it was impossible to escape his eyes to think.

“I don’t hate you,” I muttered.

He then took a deep breath and smiled.

“This weekend, I will be in Bath at my family home… Join me?”

“What I… I… I don’t know.”

“Please… No expectations, just your company. You will have your own room, of course. No one needs to know. Mark is staying with friends this weekend, so he won’t know, and I will have a driver pick you up.”

“No, you can pick me up,” I interrupted. “But in the evening, after all the boys have gone home.”

He seemed more shocked than I could have ever predicted. The look of hope in his eyes had never made me feel ashamed of myself.

“Friday it is. I will wait for you right here at 8,” he said, his eyes warm and in high spirits.

“Friday at 8. I’ll be here,” I agreed.

He paused for a moment, then nodded and left. He seemed different, not his usual arrogant, confident self. There was a more vulnerable side to him that I hadn’t seen before. Nevertheless, I needed to have James here on Friday, just before 8, to see me leaving with Richard, so he could stop me. Finally, I had a plan. There was a small risk that it may not work, and so I was going to need some help from Dr Simons.

As predicted, Dr Simons was in his room, reading the paper. As soon as he noticed me he instantly became anxious.

“Dr Simons, can I speak with you?” I whispered from the doorway.

“Yes, of course. I would like to speak with you too.”

I went in and closed the door behind me.

“Ladies first,” he said politely, closing his newspaper and putting it aside to give me his full attention.

“Dr Simons, I don’t know where to begin,” I had tears in my eyes.

“Oh dear, I don’t know much about love, but I do know that Mr Barclay loves you dearly.”

I looked up and wiped my eyes. “I know,” I replied, sobbing. “Mr Cartwright has feelings for me too, and everyone in the college seems to know that.”

Dr Simons nodded.

“But I don’t have the same feelings for him. I love James and only James, nothing can change that. Jules, Mr Kemp and the entire college all think I’m with Richard.”

“Catherine, Jules said you admitted to having feelings for Mr Cartwright.”

“Jules came to me and told me she knew everything. I thought she was talking about James so I agreed, only to realise she had been talking about Richard. I didn’t know what to say.”

“My dear girl, I am so sorry. Can I help?”

I looked at him and nodded.

“Yes… yes you can. James needs to see me with Richard, so he can see how wrong it is, and that I belong with him and no one else.”

Dr Simons started to shake his head from side to side.

“I don’t know…”

“Richard has asked me to go to Bath with him this weekend, and I have accepted. He is picking me up in the foyer this Friday at 8. You need to make sure James is here to see Richard and I leaving together.”

“Oh, this is all too exciting for me. I don’t know if I can be a part of it.”

“You have to! James will not let me go with Richard. And Richard… well, he will be OK.”

“Will he?”

“I have made no promises to him.”

“Except to spend the weekend with him! Don’t you think that means something?”

“I have no choice!” I pleaded.

“Alright, alright, please don’t get upset. I will attempt to get Mr Barclay to the main foyer at 8 o’clock this Friday evening,” Dr Simons promised.

I couldn’t contain my joy. I jumped up to hug and kiss him on the cheek.

“Thank you, thank you!”

“Don’t thank me just yet, Catherine. Let’s see how this plan of yours works first, shall we?”

“I know James will not want me to spend the weekend with Richard. He won’t have a choice but to stop it.”

“What about Jules?”

“Oh… I’m sorry, I just couldn’t tell her. I feel awful that I have kept James and I a secret for so long. I just don’t know how to tell her anymore. And besides, she is now under the impression that it’s Richard I am with.”

“Your secret is safe with me. Mr Barclay is a brilliant man and I know he loves you. I learnt that the day you went for your run and hurt your leg.”

Dr Simons paused for a moment and then continued. “Catherine, I do not completely know your story with James, and for some odd reason I sense there is an incredible story there, but I do wonder if James ending things between you was for the best.”

“What?” I was horrified.

“Please hear me out. I don’t doubt your love for each other. It’s just that Mr Barclay is a very intelligent man, and he knows what he is talking about. Have you ever considered that this may be for the best?”

“No, never! I would rather die than have a life without him.”

“Catherine, please don’t say that.”

“It’s the truth!”

“Alright, there will be no more talk of not being with Mr Barclay or dying?”

The rest of the week was awful. My nights were filled with perplexing nightmares. I used to take solace in my dreams of Victoria, but lately I only seem to have disturbing images of Charles Barton and a sense of Victoria’s despair and sadness. The lack of sleep, compounded by the anticipation of Friday, was taking its toll on me. I felt paranoid and suspicious. I avoided Jules and everyone else as much as I could, spending most of my spare time at the stables with the horses or sitting in my room reading. Avoiding Jules was upsetting as we had gotten very close and having to keep my love for James from her felt unfair. Not to mention that I had been dishonest to her about my relationship with Richard. I felt I had so much weight on my shoulders and at any moment everything would come tumbling down around me.

I have to see this through. My plan has to work! I will make everything right with Jules. No more lies!

The bell interrupted my heroic declaration. I knew that in just a few hours I would be seeing James and he would be seeing me with Richard. I closed my eyes to compose myself. Thankfully, my students were oblivious to my private meltdown, and carried on as they would on any other day. When my classroom was finally empty, I packed my things and headed straight for my room. If I looked the way I felt, I was sure that neither Richard, James nor even my ghost would want me.