Bernadette Azizi - Undying

I had become an expert at getting from my classes to my room without being spotted. As I got to my room, I locked the door and dropped my books on the desk. I sat down for a moment to catch my breath. I had only a few hours to compose myself and be ready. Exhausted and drained, I lay on my bed for a while, thinking of the days, not so long ago, that James used to lie with me. I remembered the feelings of safety and happiness that came from that. I imagined those days again and the warmth of James’s body next to mine, the sweet smell of his skin and his loving eyes watching over me. My heart was aching for all that I had lost. There were nights were we didn’t fall asleep until morning, nights spent talking about my life in Australia. He was a gentleman in every sense of the word. He was also very serious but, on rare occasions, he would reveal his humorous side; his jokes were funny because they weren’t funny. I remembered the first time I saw him at the door to my room, and the instant connection I felt. One thought continually came back to me: the mystery that I had failed to work out. It seemed like a lifetime ago when I was haunted by voices and unexplained experiences. It all seemed to end when James left me.

Was he right to leave? Was my life in danger being with him? Why? And his love for me was that so strong that he could let me go for my own well-being? I want him back!

I needed a diversion. I thought about Victoria but I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to do my story any justice. My feelings about Victoria were now making me feel dejected and confused, thoughts of happiness and contentment for her and Jonathon were evident, but an anxiousness about what lay ahead meant I just didn’t want to go there.

I have trusted my thoughts and dreams in the past to guide me, but now all I feel is confusion.

I got off my bed and looked at my cupboard mirror. Just as I thought, I looked as bad as I felt. I headed straight for the shower. Even though I had plenty of time I rushed it, because I just couldn’t relax.

After my shower, I gave myself a long-needed facial and blow-dried my hair. I put on a new navy wool dress that I had bought before I left Sydney. It came to just above the knee, was body hugging and it hung low on my chest. The sleeves were long, right to the palm of my hand. I put on my tan leather high-heel boots. With an hour to spare, I styled my hair, put on some natural make-up and sprayed on James’s favorite perfume. I grabbed an overnight bag but didn’t bother to put anything in it. I was confident that I was not leaving the grounds tonight. The bag was only there to add to the charade.

By 7.45, my nerves were setting in. I hadn’t seen James for days. We were about to see each other and I couldn’t wait. My heart was racing. I didn’t know how I was going to control myself and stick to the plan that was now starting to seem stupid and reckless. At 7.55, I ran to my window. Sure enough, a black car had just pulled up. The driver’s door opened and a man ran to the back of the car with an umbrella, opening the door. Richard got out, dressed quite formally. I instantly felt ill. This idea of mine had just become real! What was I supposed to say to him when I didn’t leave with him and ran into James’s arms instead? Will he know he was set up and that I am an awful person who doesn’t care about his feelings? My head started to spin for a second — a second that I didn’t have to spare. I quickly moved away from the window, grabbed my empty bag and headed down to the foyer once there I could now see the three of them standing in the foyer just as planned. Richard was facing my way, James had his back to me and Dr Simons was off to the side, between these two giants.

“James, good evening,” Richard said, as he was straightening his jacket. “You look rather tired,” he continued.

“Why are you here?” James asked bluntly.

“Me? I have come to collect someone.”

“Mark?”

“No, not Mark… Catherine, actually.”

As he said those words my heart, mouth and bag dropped to the floor. With the sound of my bag smacking on the floor, all eyes slowly turned to me. Richard spotted me first, then Dr Simons and lastly James. I was looking at James and only James. Our eyes never strayed. My heart strangely started to beat slower rather than faster, as if I was dying.

I wish .

The shock and regret in his stare wounded me I didn’t know what to say or do. I just stood there, numb to it all. James’s eyes slowly left mine and went to the floor.

“Michael, please take Catherine’s bag to the car,” Richard said to his driver.

“No… I will,” James announced. He proceeded to walk towards me with slow and heavy steps.

Why is he offering to take my bag? Why isn’t he telling Richard that I won’t be going?

I started fidgeting as James approached me. My nerves were obvious for all to see. Dr Simons had started a conversation with Richard, to distract him, I guess. But it wouldn’t be enough. I needed more time and some privacy to speak with James. It was too late. James was now standing directly in front of me. He had blocked my view of everyone. His lips were slightly opened, but nothing came out. I could see he was holding back. I tried with all the strength that I had in me not to cry but it wasn’t enough. I could feel my eyes starting to swell.

“This could be a good thing,” he whispered.

“Are you mad!? James, make this stop… I don’t want to go!” I said with my voice trembling, “Help me!” I cried.

After a slight pause, he replied.

“I am.” His voice was full of sadness. He reached out and grabbed my bag. He looked at me, confused. Embarrassed and inconsolable I snatched my bag from him.

“Catherine?” he questioned, obviously noticing that my bag was light.

“I wasn’t supposed to go,” I whimpered.

“Catherine, we should be going. I have made dinner reservations!” Richard called out from across the hall.

I wiped my tears as I walked away, helpless. Richard and the driver were now outside. I walked past Dr Simons and looking down, I shook my head with disappointment. I turned back to see if James was looking at me, but he wasn’t. He had his back turned to me, so I made my way to the car to leave.

“You are so beautiful,” Richard said to me as he opened the car door.

“Thank you,” I replied sadly. Knowing there were tears in my eyes, I looked away and avoided eye contact.

As the car drove off, I felt empty and alone. My plan hadn’t worked.

Does James want me to be with Richard?

Here I was, feeling sorry for everyone because there was a chance they could be hurt by me, but the only person I should have felt sorry for was me. I sat close to the door and stared out the window for the entire journey. I didn’t make any conversation with Richard at all. I knew I was being rude, but I didn’t care. I had no one to impress.

I put my arm around my stomach and tried to relieve the dull feeling that I had. Richard noticed straight away and looked at me alarmed.

“Are you unwell?” he asked, concerned.

I took a deep breath.

“Tired I guess. I don’t think I could eat anything this evening,” I mumbled. At least I had the courtesy to look him in the eyes.

“I understand,” he replied, with a warm smile. I nodded and then went back to my window.

What did he understand? Did he understand that I was heartbroken? That I didn’t want be here with him? That he was just part of a plan to make James jealous? Or did he just understand that I was not in the mood to eat?

The car slowed down considerably. We were now driving through a small town. The road was narrow; there were many boutiques but not many people out and about. I tried to resist the town’s charm but I couldn’t, it was so beautiful. The first street we went down was lined with identical English terraces, one after the other. It looked like something out of Mary Poppins . I felt like I knew this area, and knew it well. I continued to stare out the window, enjoying the scenery. The streets were immaculately clean. As we passed laneways, I could see restaurants and shops and people walking around. I felt a rush of excitement being in this beautiful place. I could see Richard smiling out of the corner of my eye. I supposed he was happy to see me rejoin the human race.