Bernadette Azizi - Undying

“Alright! It would have to be Sugar!”

“What? Not Sugar from the college?” I asked.

“Yes. Have you met?” he asked.

“We have met, briefly. I don’t understand why she is here?” I asked, puzzled.

“I do not get nearly enough time to ride all my horses, so occasionally, I send them to the college so the boys can give them a good run.”

“That makes sense.”

A man came out of the stable, smiled at me and went to Richard.

“Mr Cartwright, have you chosen a horse for the lady?” the man asked.

“Yes, Catherine will be riding Sugar.”

“Very good sir, I will also bring your horse around.”

“Thank you.”

A few minutes later, the man came out with two horses — mine, an old friend, and Richard’s, a black stallion, of course. The man brought Sugar to me and placed a timber stool beside her so I could climb up. Richard mounted his horse like a cowboy in an old movie. With a quick pull of the reins, he came around beside me.

“Do you ride as good as you look?” he asked with a cheeky tone of voice.

“I guess…”

“Call out if you need me to slow down for you. Any questions?” he asked.

“What’s the name of your horse?” I asked.

With a smile and a jerk of the reins, he replied ‘King’ and rode off.

“Ahhh!” I said, rolling my eyes, and started to ride after him.

I wasn’t sure if he was riding to his fullest potential, but I kept a great pace, which seemed to surprise him every time he looked over his shoulder. I felt free for the first time in a long time, flying through the air, the coldness of the wind touching me everywhere. I felt liberated, Sugar was a fast, slick horse to ride and we were a good match. She started to slow down as we descended into a valley. It was breathtaking. At the bottom of the valley, a clear lake was visible. An extraordinarily small bridge, nothing like I have ever seen before, hung over the lake.

Up ahead, Richard had dismounted so I slowed down. He was letting his horse rest and drink. Richard grabbed my reins and helped me down from the horse. Sugar went immediately to the water to drink.

I had an uncontrollable smile on my face that I could not hide. This made Richard so happy that his face lit up as well.

“You do ride as good as you look.”

“Thank you, you’re not so bad yourself.”

Just as I had caught my breath, a man coming from behind startled me.

“My apologies Miss, I did not mean to startle you,” he said as he went to the horses.

“Everything is ready sir,” he stated to Richard as he walked past him and pointed across the stream, up a small green hill.

“Thank you, Adam. Shall we?” Richard took my hand and led the way. I was now upset with myself. Richard seemed to be so comfortable grabbing my hand whenever he wanted to, and that was completely my fault. I should never have given him the green light to begin with. I let go of his hand and stopped halfway across the bridge to lean over and look at the stream. I took a deep breath. With my eyes closed, I thought of James.

The bridge would not have been 5-metres long and had dates and initials dating back to the 1600s scratched into it. I was fascinated. I closed my eyes and easily imagined the garden parties of the ladies and gentleman of the era, enjoying each other’s company. I let my hand slide against the stone wall as I crossed it. The feeling was overwhelming.

“Beautiful isn’t it?” Richard queried.

I opened my eyes but didn’t answer, still overwhelmed with my feelings.

“I had my staff organise a picnic lunch for us. I hope that’s alright,” Richard asked, doubting himself.

“This is too much. Honestly I don’t know why this is happening,” I confessed.

“Please… do not be embarrassed, this is nothing.” He pointed to the extravagant picnic. “It is you that is too much!” he said in a soft voice.

I looked at him, puzzled.

Over lunch Richard did most of the talking. He made me feel comfortable. We talked about so many different things: the land, property and the home where he grew up and its history.

“I don’t understand.”

“You don’t understand what exactly?” he asked, intrigued.

“Your family, that big house. Just you and your parents… It’s so big.”

“My parents had always wanted many children. I remember my father told me once that he and my mother wanted the house full of children. But that was not meant to be,” he said as he drank his glass of wine. “My mother died when I was two. My father was heartbroken and never remarried. So it remained just the two of us in that house until he died, 20 years later. Now it’s just Mark and I. History repeating itself,” he joked making light of a sensitive subject.

“I am so sorry. How awful for you both to lose her so early on in your lives.”

“It was a long time ago now and I have no real memories; only what my father has told me.”

“And what happened to your wife? Oh, please forgive me!” I backtracked. “I am way out of line.” I turned away.

“No, please, it’s alright… I wanted a house full of children too, but Mark’s mother didn’t. She would have been happy with no children. That is why Mark stays with me,” he explained. He moved closer to me on the grass.

“You must be missing your family back in Australia”?

“Well… I do miss them, but it has nothing to do with Australia.”

He had a puzzled look on his face and waited for me to elaborate.

“I am also an only child; I lost my parents in a car accident years ago. I should have gone as well, but I guess it just wasn’t my time,” I smiled.

“That’s awful, I’m sorry, I had no idea.”

“How could you, its fine.”

“Please, if you don’t mind me prying, what do you mean by, you were supposed to go as well?”

“Well the trip that my parents had organised was for their wedding anniversary and we were all to head down south, to our farm. We planned this trip for so long, trying to get dates that would suit everybody’s work schedule and my schooling. Finally the dates were set. The night before we left, I remember lying in bed for hours, unable to sleep, feeling uneasy; like I had a big exam or something. My excitement for the trip somehow turned to fear. I didn’t share my feelings with anyone, embarrassed, I suppose. The next morning, at the last minute, I decided not to go, I’m still not sure why. My parents were very upset, it hurt them… I never saw them again.” I exhaled, confused as to why I shared a story that had disturbed me for such a long time.

I finally looked up at Richard, who was surprisingly quiet.

But unfortunately for me, the silence didn’t last for long.

“I… don’t know what to say. I can’t comprehend what that would be like to go through. Just when I think it’s not possible to like you more. I have to tell you, when I first saw you at the college, you caught my eye purely because of your beauty. I could not get you out of my head for weeks. Then that day at the cottage, seeing you hurt and terrified, I realised I would have done anything to protect you, anything. I have never felt like that about any other woman in my life. Last night walking with you through the village, and having you next to me at breakfast this morning…” he paused, “I feel like I am playing with fire.”

“You are playing with fire!” I warned.

I got up and walked a few metres away. I could hear Richard approaching me from behind. I felt awful. I wanted to hate him but there was nothing to dislike. But I loved James, not Richard. Richard stood so close behind me I could feel him breathing.

“I am sorry, I said too much. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable. Please forgive me?”