Bernadette Azizi - Undying

“Richard, I beg you! Don’t feel bad for any of this, none of it is your fault. You have been wonderful and I have honestly enjoyed my time here with you.”

“May I?” he asked, pointing to the chair.

I nodded.

He sat on the chair.

“How are you feeling now?” he asked sincerely.

“Guilty.” I looked away. I didn’t want to cry and the last thing I needed was sympathy.

“Please… Don’t be. It could have been a lot worse,” he said as he ran his hand through his hair. I could tell he was frustrated. “I will let you rest, you won’t be disturbed.” He stood up to leave.

“No! I mean. Ah… I don’t know how to ask you, and please don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t want to be alone tonight. I can’t be alone. Please don’t leave.”

“What is it?” Richard rushed over to me. “I won’t leave you. Not even for a moment, I promise.”

“Stay in my bed… with me… and don’t leave, even if I fall asleep,” I pleaded.

“Wild horses couldn’t drag me away…”

“You didn’t just say that?” I looked at him shocked. With all that had happened today that was the best phrase he could come up with?

“I did… sorry!” he said with a guilty smile.

I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. So I did neither.

I got into bed ever so slowly while Richard dimmed the lights and followed me. To his shock, and ultimately his approval, I moved closer to him. The only way I was going to be able to close my eyes and relax was to feel him next to me. After a few minutes I was able to close my eyes. I didn’t want to remember anything about today. All I wanted was to sleep now and in the morning go back to James. Tomorrow could not come quick enough.

I woke to find myself all over Richard. I mean all over. I was lying in his arms with my arm across his chest and my leg resting over him as well. He was awake but lying still. He chuckled when he saw my reaction.

“I am so sorry…” I said, embarrassed, trying to move away without touching him further.

“Please don’t be sorry, I’m not!” he smirked.

I playfully slapped his chest.

“Ouch!” I opened my hand. It was red and sore. And just like that, all of yesterday’s memories were there in the palm of my hand.

“You must have held onto those reins for dear life.”

“I did.”

Richard was still lying next to me, leaning on one arm. I sat up in bed, trying to adjust my top and fix my hair. He had a smile on his face that made me very suspicious.

“What?”

“Nothing…”

I shook my head. “Tell me!”

He smiled and sat up.

“You were talking in your sleep last night,” he told me in a serious tone.

“No… Oh… no!” I paused for a moment, wondering what I could have possibly said.

“Don’t you want to know?” he enquiry.

I was terrified about what he may have heard me say.

“You were calling out to James… Are you with him?” he asked, sounding disappointed.

“Richard…”

“ Are you with him?” he asked again, this time with more urgency.

“No, I mean, yes…” I replied.

“Why James? I have never ever seen him show a flicker of affection to any woman before. Why now? Why you?” His voice was raised as he got out of the bed, away from me.

“Richard, please,” I tried to console him, following him out of the bed.

“That man doesn’t know how to love!”

“Stop it!” I shouted.

“James does not love you!”

“Please, don’t…”

“What kind of man lets the woman he loves go away with another man?”

“It’s complicated.”

“There is nothing complicated about love.” He grabbed the back of my neck, pulling me close to him, and kissed me. I tried to resist but he was too strong. He pushed his body closer to mine. I didn’t want to kiss him, but I could feel his pain and the love in his touch. It was the way I was feeling when I wanted James but couldn’t have him. I stopped resisting and kissed him back. I brought my body even closer to him. I placed my hands on his chest and neck, for a moment forgetting who I was, and whom I loved. I gave Richard the memory that he needed, because after today I was certain I would never see him again.

I slowly pulled my lips away from his, my mouth still slightly open and breathless. We stared into each other’s eyes for a moment.

“Catherine…”

I put my fingers to his lips to stop him.

“I want to go back… Now!”

When I arrived back at the college, it was just me, in the dress I had left in, and my empty bag. Richard had respected my wishes to return alone.

“Goodbye Michael, thank you for the lift.”

“It was my pleasure. Can I help you with your bag?” he asked politely.

“No, it’s not heavy at all. Thanks anyway.” Stupid bag. I have never known anything so insignificant to have so much attention.

I headed back into the college building, desperate to see James. I saw a few teachers along the way who looked concerned when they greeted me. The guilt of that kiss was written all over my face. I walked past a mirror in the foyer and caught glimpse of my reflection. The bandage was still on my forehead, and the cuts and bruises were still visible. I had forgotten about them. I should have explained but I couldn’t be bothered. I went to James’s office first and knocked on his door, which had now been fixed. No answer. I headed for the common room and peeked in. I didn’t want to be noticed. Just about everybody was in there, but not James. Disappointed, I headed to my room. The stairs had never been so hard to climb. My legs were still aching, and for the first time this weekend I was glad my bag was empty. When I finally got to my room, I collapsed onto my bed. I finally felt like I was home. I stared at the ceiling before closing my eyes to rest them.

“Knock, knock. Are you back?” Jules sung out from the hallway.

I got off my bed as fast as I could to open the door for her. I was so happy to see her. Unable to contain my joy I did the unthinkable and held her. I hugged her tightly, until I realised the pain I had just brought on myself.

“Ouch!” I complained as I stepped away from her.

“Oh my Lord, what has happened to you?” Jules cried.

“It was an accident.”

“What kind of accident?” she yelled back, upset.

“Horse riding,” I whispered. I grabbed her arm and pulled her into my room.

“I am so happy to see you, Jules, and to be back.”

“Catherine, I’m happy to see you too, but not like this, you really look hurt.” She shook her head.

“Jules, I promise it looks worse than it is.”

“What did Richard do? He must feel awful.”

If only she knew!

“It was no one’s fault, just an accident.”

“Is that why you came back so early?”

“Um… No, I just wanted some time to be ready for tomorrow’s classes, that’s all.”

“How was your weekend? Was it everything you imagined? Please tell me everything! Is he as romantic as I imagine?” she asked, moving around the room like she was dancing.

“Jules, Richard and I aren’t together.” I decided to be honest.

“What? Did something happen?”

“No, our feelings for each other just aren’t the same.”

“Oh, Catherine, I am so sorry. Men can be so cruel sometimes.”

Jules hugged me and held onto me while I rolled my eyes.

“Ouch!” I yelled.

“Sorry!”

“Jules, where is everyone?” I asked casually.

“Well, um, let’s see. Dr Simons has gone for a walk; most of the teachers are in the common room, and Mr Barclay, well, I guess he is in his office or his room. Actually I haven’t seen him since Friday morning. I am meeting Dr Simons in a little while for tea. Would you like to join us? I know he would love to see you. He has been waiting anxiously for you to come back.”