Jean-Marie Blas De Robles - Where Tigers Are at Home

She managed to pull aside part of the sheet Soledade was clinging to. “You won’t say anything to him? Promise?”

“Promise. Cross my heart and hope to die,” Loredana said, taking her in her arms. “But tell me, have you slept together yet?”

“No,” she replied, visibly embarrassed by so direct a question. “Well, almost … Just once he took me into his bed, but he was so drunk he fell asleep without touching me. I’m sure he won’t even remember,” she added with a touch of pique. “You’re not jealous, are you?”

“Of course I am,” said Loredana, joking. “He hasn’t even tried to kiss me.”

“But you’re the one he’s in love with. I know him well, I see the way he looks at you.”

“I know,” said Loredana. She was staring into space. “I love him too. But that’s nothing to worry about, there’ll never be anything between us.”

“Why not?”

“Because … A secret for a secret, isn’t that it? You won’t say anything either, OK?”

At that moment the commentator speeded up his delivery, to keep up with play where things were getting exciting: Dangerous free kick, forty yards from the opposing goal … Serginho’s lining it up and … it’s Falcão who shoots! The ball swerves round the wall, Junior heads it … against the bar! But it’s not over yet, Eder’s got the ball. A lovely dribble, he kicks the ball through the defender’s legs and passes to Zico …

“Quick, look!” Soledade said. “They’re going to score!”

At the same moment the commentator let out a lupine howl: “Goa a a a a a a a a a al! Ziiiiico! Viva Brazil, meu Deus! Dois a um!

Fascinated by the slow-motion action replays on the screen, screaming and clapping her hands, Soledade gave free rein to her delight.

A magnificent volley , the commentator’s hoarse voice said, a classic goal that will be all the more remembered because it was scored in the last seconds of play … The referee’s looking at his watch … No, that’s impossible, the game’s going on! A corner for the Soviet Union. All the players have gone up for this last chance to equalize … And … It’s over! The referee’s blown for time, in the ninety-second minute! Two-one, goals from Socrates and Zico for Brazil, and they’re in the second round of the World Cup. Viva Brazil! “Brasiou u u u u u u!” Soledade repeated, in raptures. “We’re going to win the cup, we’re going to win it!”

“I’m going to die,” said Loredana.

The way she said it, she could have been expressing her disappointment that it was about to rain or that she’d remembered there was no sugar in the kitchen cupboard.

DURING THE FEW minutes in which she was alone with these terrible words, her admission delayed by Soledade’s innocent passion for football, the memory of a similar gap had taken her back to her distant past, to the time when she was twelve. It was the day before her first communion, night was falling on the almond trees in blossom. She was going to the village priest for confession.

Father Montefiascone’s cadaverous complexion and the way he whined when showing his slides — wishy-washy pictures with no life, nothing cheerful about them at all — had put her off religion from the very first catechism class. For several weeks Loredana, without thinking she was doing anything wrong or feeling the least bit guilty, had replaced this stupid farce with delightful daydreams in the surrounding countryside. The very idea of having to “make her first communion” seemed ridiculous to her. Her mother attached such importance to this bizarre event that she had accepted its inevitability: it was something everyone went through, a requirement to which you had to submit without bothering to understand what the point of it was, a bit like getting dressed up on Sundays or speaking in a low voice in church. This communion … For days on end now they’d been going on at her about it! Her cousins, aunts and uncles who would be coming, the candle she’d have to hold straight to avoid burning herself with the wax, the pounds and pounds of pasta and gnocchi to be prepared for the big family meal after the ceremony, the famous torta a più piani ordered from the cake shop — a huge cake with several tiers that Loredana imagined leaning slightly, like the Tower of Pisa. They were constantly checking when it would be delivered, as if the fate of the whole world somehow depended on this mysterious precision. And that afternoon, while she was once more trying on the immaculate alb she would be wearing the next day — it had been Ariana’s, her big cousin’s, which explained the incessant alterations — her mother had asked her how confession had gone. What confession? Loredana had asked in naive astonishment. What? She hadn’t been to confession? her mother had screamed, almost swallowing all her pins. The curtain had gone up on the most grotesque of melodramas. What did she think she was doing? How was she going to make her communion if she hadn’t been to confession? She had been to catechism, hadn’t she? Madre di Dio! A stinging slap, tears, wailing … “Giuseppe! This little … this shameless little hussy’s missed all the catechism classes! And, yes, it is serious, you heathen! You Communist! And how many times have I told you not to smoke in the bedroom?! With all the family coming!” And the communion cake that had cost a fortune. There was nothing left for her but to die of shame.

Contacted by telephone, the priest had merely added to their shame. Loredana Rizzuto? Sorry, he didn’t know a child of that name … Although … Could they be talking of that brazen hussy who always turned off toward the hills before she reached the church? Unfortunately, and this was certainly going to cause her parents a lot of trouble, it would naturally be impossible for her to make communion the next day. It was unthinkable, it would be a mortal sin to offer the body of Christ to that child, he told her mother emphatically. Oh, dear old Father Montefiascone. He had taken a long time persuading before he had agreed to take the little lost sheep back into his flock. Perhaps the matter could be reconsidered, but she would have to come to confession right away. No, not in the church, in his house, on the other side of the street. He was making an exception, of which he hoped Signora Rizzuto was fully aware, he was doing this out of pure charity … The Lord could not be bought, Signora Rizzuto, but the poor of the parish would be grateful to her for this unexpected offering …

So Loredana was walking toward her fate, three steps forward, one step back, never stepping on the abyss of the gap between the paving stones, jumping over the manhole covers without a runup, as if the village had been transformed into a gigantic game of hopscotch. The closer she came, the more pressing the tricky question of her “sins” became; never having been to confession, she only knew by hearsay that you had to confess your sins, the more horrible, the better, and obtain forgiveness in return for a varying number of prayers. However hard she racked her brains, nothing admissible came to mind. To her, petty misdemeanors such as “I disobeyed my parents” or “I missed catechism” seemed insipid and unworthy of confession, and she exhausted herself declining verbs whose nefarious reputation she was aware of without, for all that, having any clear idea of the crimes behind them: to have, to sleep, to rape, to touch, to touch oneself …

Night was falling when she finally rang the priest’s bell. An old woman came to the door and, muttering about the lateness of the hour, pushed her to the stairs up to the first floor. Loredana remembered the prints of all the stations of the cross and the sound of gunfire that accompanied her as she climbed the stairs. Guided by the shots, she found Father Montefiascone sitting watching a large television set with gold knobs and a Formica case on which Davy Crockett, alias John Wayne, was organizing the defense of a besieged fort. Cassock, doilies, engravings of Saint Ignatius and the Virgin Mary … as if intoxicated by the television, reality itself was projected all around her in black and white. Irritated at being interrupted while watching his film, Father Montefiascone hardly acknowledged her arrival. Without even standing up, he made her kneel down on the carpet, beside his armchair, facing the television and told her to recite the confiteor . Loredana was forced to admit she didn’t know it then suffer the old man’s vituperation before repeating after him the words he grudgingly spoke.