Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer - Sex For Dummies

When men were hunter-gatherers, you needed two people to raise a family, but today, the millions of single parents prove that one person can bring up children. But while sociological changes have taken place that promote people remaining single, the drive to find someone to love remains a strong one. The drive is so strong that many people who get divorced don’t give up on the institution of marriage but may undergo this rite again and again. Hope springs eternal that we will all find our true love, and that’s because we all feel the need to share our lives with another person.

With so many people all around us, it becomes almost inevitable that someone seeking love will find someone else with whom to share that love. Yes, love can be blind and sometimes you choose the wrong person, but more often than not, if love doesn’t last it’s because the two people didn’t know about the care that love needs. And part of the glue that holds love together is sex, and so the more you know about sex, the greater success you’ll have in love. I give you suggestions on finding a partner in Chapter 5, and if you’re in a long-term relationship and want to add some excitement to your sex life, I wrote Chapters 14and 24for you.

While sex improves love, and vice versa, sex can certainly exist without love. One-night stands may have inherent dangers, but they can also be quite pleasurable. And having sex with a person for the first time always heightens the experience. It comes from a mixture of curiosity (What does he or she look like naked?), fear (Will I satisfy this person?), lust (I don’t want all the entanglements of a relationship, I just want sex.), and selfishness (This one’s for me.).

However, one-night stands have a way of becoming two nights. Separating our arousal from the rest of our emotions isn’t always easy. Some people these days engage in sex with people who are just friends, sharing “benefits.” If that happens once, then perhaps that’s as far as it will go. But if two friends are having sex with some regularity, the odds are pretty good that at least one of them will want to be more than just friends.

Of course, if the urge to have sex becomes too strong, and no partner is available, then sexual satisfaction can be found through self-pleasuring or masturbation. To some degree, an orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm. Masturbating does bring relief from sexual tension. Sex with a partner can add many more nuances to the overall pleasure of the act, but there’s no doubt that masturbation can be better than nothing.

Masturbation is also safer than sex with some stranger, though it’s not without any dangers. You need some sexual tension in your life, especially if you’re very busy, in order to motivate yourself to go out and find a partner. If you use up all of your sexual energy masturbating, especially if you do it so often that you have little or no time for any type of social life, then masturbation can wind up being a trap that can be hard to get out of. But if you’re in need of relief, then turning to masturbation can be a life-saver. I talk more about masturbation in Chapter 16.

If you’ve read this far, it should be pretty clear to you that engaging in sexual intercourse with someone of the opposite sex could lead to an unintended pregnancy. You can avoid that occurrence, but you have to be prepared. Knowing about condoms and birth control pills won’t help you if you’re in the heat of passion with someone else, especially if you’re both partially or fully undressed. Contraception isn’t difficult but it takes some planning. The most reliable methods of preventing pregnancy require a visit to a doctor or clinic. Others necessitate at least a trip to the drugstore. All of this has to happen before you’re anywhere near ready to have sex.

Deciding which contraceptive to use takes some thinking. And these days, because of sexually transmitted diseases, you may choose to use more than one, because not every birth control method protects against STIs or STDs. If you have no desire to cause a pregnancy, please read Chapter 7carefully so that you’ll be prepared when the time comes to have sex. (And if you’re worried about STDs, please read Chapter 21as well.)

We use the word sex to describe what two people do when aroused over their entire lifetime, but that doesn’t mean that sex remains constant. Young people, whose hormones are just kicking in, will feel the effect more intensely than older people. This lessening of sexual energy isn’t just because an older person has had sex thousands of more times than a young person, but also because of physical changes that everyone undergoes. But the more you know about those changes, the better you’ll be able to handle them so that your sex life can continue unabated until you reach 99. If you’re young and just starting your sexual journey, Chapter 8is a good roadmap for what’s ahead. And if you’re at an age when you’re starting to hit some speed bumps on the journey, Chapters 19, 22, and 23will help smooth out the ride.

Of course, your sex life can receive a negative impact in ways other than the normal aging process. The longer we live, the greater the odds that fate will throw us a curve or two. The onset of one disease or another can change the way you have sex. But again, it doesn’t necessarily mean that your sex life is over, only that some adjustments will be needed. Want to know what those adjustments are? Turn to Chapter 20.

Most young people find it hard to believe that their parents still have sex, no less their grandparents, but it’s true. Our looks may change, even our desires, but sex is an integral part of our humanity, and it remains so throughout our lives.

In a classic episode of Seinfeld , Elaine had a limited supply of the contraceptive sponge (the method of contraception she preferred but the production of which had stopped) and therefore had to decide whether or not a potential partner was “sponge worthy,” that is to say worthy of using one of her precious sponges to have sex with him. So how do you decide whether someone you’re considering having sex with is worthy of doing the deed with you? Here are some possible questions you may ask yourself. There are no right or wrong answers here, but if the overall tone of your answers skews toward the negative, then my advice is not to hop into bed with this person, at least not until you get to know this person a bit better.

What parts of me does this person activate? My head? My heart? My loins? Two out of three? One out of three?

Will I want to keep the lights off, so this person doesn’t see the parts of me I don’t like, or on, so I can see all of this other person?

I could use a shower. Will this person care? After getting undressed, will I care?

Where do I see us as a couple one month from now? Six months from now? Ten years from now?

If neither one of us has an orgasm, will I ever want to see this person again?

What will I think about myself in the morning?

Chapter 2

IN THIS CHAPTER

Understanding how the penis works

Differentiating size from sexual performance

Examining the question of circumcision