Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer - Sex For Dummies

So an important possible consequence of sexual intercourse is the making of a baby that will be born nine months later. Of course, giving birth to a baby is only the beginning of providing the care a child requires. Having a child is a very big responsibility — not one to be taken lightly, and certainly not one to be ignored when having sexual intercourse.

So the mechanics of sex makes babies, but the main reason that people engage in sex is for the sensory experience , the wide range of physical and emotional pleasures that a person can derive from sexual activity. You may think that these pleasures would be enough to draw people into having sex, but in fact this sensory experience has two sides, like the proverbial itch that needs to be scratched. If you don’t have sex for a period of time, and that period can be a matter of hours for some young adults to weeks for an older person, a little voice inside you tells you that the time for sex has arrived. You become aroused , or horny in the vernacular, meaning that as more and more time goes by, your desire for sex increases. Now, you can satisfy those desires without having sex with another person, called masturbation , which I cover in Chapter 16, but the preferable method of scratching this itch is to have sex with another person.

If a child wakes up in the middle of the night at an inopportune time, that is to say when his or her parents are having sex, the child is going to hear what may appear to be some very frightening sounds. But the very intense nature of those sounds is proof of how strong the sensory experience can be. Nothing surpasses the enjoyment that sex can bring.

Because the real center of all this pleasure takes place in the brain, it’s important to understand the process because here’s a case where the more you know, the better the results can be.

The reason that sex therapists such as myself exist is due in great part to Dr. William Masters and Dr. Virginia Johnson, who studied the sexual response cycle in the late 1950s and early 1960s.

How did they study the sexual response cycle? They observed more than 10,000 sexual acts in their laboratories. Because even the most serious voyeur would probably have had enough after about the first 1,000, you can appreciate that they were really very dedicated scientists.

And scientists they were, because when I say observe , I don’t just mean watch. The people who took part in these studies were wired up so Masters and Johnson could tell exactly what was going on, including how much lubrication the woman made and the quantity of ejaculate the man released.

As a result of these studies, Masters and Johnson came up with four distinct phases for human sexual response. Later, Dr. Helen Singer Kaplan, under whom I trained, created her own model, which included elements of Masters and Johnson’s phases as well as one of her own.

Examining an individual’s sexual response cycle is integral to the diagnosis that sex therapists make of anyone who comes to them with a sexual problem. Understanding the various categories of the sexual response cycle can also help you to become the best possible lover, so read the following definitions very carefully.

Sexual Desire Phase: The Sexual Desire Phase, sometimes called the libido , precedes actual physical or psychological stimulation. This part of the model is Dr. Kaplan’s alone. Dr. Kaplan observed that certain chemicals in the body (primarily testosterone — the male sex hormone, which is also present in females) trigger these inner sexual feelings. Sexual excitement builds upon these feelings.Dr. Kaplan examined and labeled this phase because of her work in sexual therapy, where she noted that some people’s desire for sex was so low that they rarely or never reached the other phases of the cycle. Only by studying what was going on in this earlier stage could she discover what was causing their difficulties.

Excitement Phase: The Excitement Phase arises when the genitals experience vasocongestion , which is a swelling caused by an increase in blood filling the tissues.In men, this excitement leads to an erection. In women, this excitement leads to a swelling of the clitoris and vaginal lips, increased vaginal lubrication, increased breast size, and erection of the nipples. Other physical signs of this phase include increased heartbeat, breathing rate, and blood pressure. Arm and leg muscles may begin to tense; some people experience a “sex flush” on the upper abdomen that may spread to the chest area.This phase is usually generated by one or a combination of several physical, visual, or psychological stimuli, which can be caused either by oneself or a partner. Foreplay (which I cover in Chapter 9) usually gets these responses started.

Plateau Phase: In the Plateau Phase, certain aspects of the Excitement Phase reach a slightly higher level, with tensions building.According to Masters and Johnson, men exhibit two physical signs during this period:First, a few droplets of fluid are released at the head of the penis to act as a lubricant for the sperm. (These droplets, released by the Cowper’s gland, may also contain sperm left in the urethra from earlier ejaculations, which is what makes the withdrawal method so risky. Chapter 7gives more information on the pitfalls of the so-called pullout method of birth control.)Also, the man’s testes enlarge and are pulled closer to the body. Dr. Kaplan incorporates all of these reactions of the Plateau Phase as an extension of the Excitement Phase because the individual doesn’t sense any difference between the Excitement and Plateau stages, making these subtle differences of no value to her in treating a sexual dysfunction.

Orgasm Phase: During the Orgasm Phase, in both men and women, your body goes through a whole series of muscular contractions and spasms, including facial contortions, an increased respiratory rate and heartbeat, and a further increase in blood pressure. Your genitals also experience strong contractions. (For more about having an orgasm, read Chapter 12.)The man undergoes the further contraction of ejaculation, which occurs in two stages: the moment of inevitability, characterized by sensations that mark the so-called point of no return (which I talk more about in Chapter 22), followed immediately by ejaculation.

Resolution Phase: In this last phase (which only Masters and Johnson include), the body slowly returns to normal — the physical conditions that existed before the Excitement Stage began. This Resolution Phase is much longer for women than for men, making it the basis for afterplay (which is the topic of Chapter 13).In addition, men have the refractory period , which is the time needed after orgasm before the man can respond to more sexual stimulation and have another erection and orgasm. In young men, this period can be as short as a few minutes; the length of the refractory period grows as a man ages.

The man reaches the Excitement Phase much more quickly than the woman, and the woman has a much longer Resolution Phase. I suggest extending foreplay as much as possible to help compensate for this difference.

People’s appetite for sex builds as time goes on, as I mentioned in the “ Enjoying a sensory experience” section earlier in this chapter, but people have another need, and that is to form a bond with another person. It seems we are made to go by twos, the way the animals marched into Noah’s ark. The biological reason may be to bring up the children produced by sex, but we wouldn’t need love and romance if that were the only case. We also need companionship, someone to share our lives with, as well as to have sex.