Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer - Sex For Dummies

So both sexes have to make some changes as to how they communicate with the opposite sex. Men have to learn how to ask without pressuring, be that physically or with words. Women who may have been taught they should play hard to get, believing that saying yes too quickly will make the man respect her less, have to modify their technique or else the men they’re with are going to go looking elsewhere.

These behavior patterns regarding courting and sex have long been labeled the “battle of the sexes.” It’s time we disarm both sides and rename this the negotiations of the sexes. Those in the dating game shouldn’t be trying to beat the other person as if they were playing a game but rather work together to join themselves in bodily union.

While I would understand that some of you feel that this approach to advancing in the sexual arena is cumbersome, it does offer some benefits. The best sex is achieved when the two partners can be open with each other and communicate their likes, dislikes, and especially needs. Many couples struggle with this and end up having sex that might or might not be satisfying but certainly is without a “wow” factor. But if a couple starts out being open about sex by asking about how to progress each step of the way, that openness should definitely then translate into improving their sex life.

So if you’re hesitant about adopting a positive attitude towards being more verbal about asking permission as you advance through the various sexual stages, consider the advantages rather than just taking a negative attitude. Yes, it’s more difficult to verbalize some of these requests than to hint at them physically but the offsetting rewards might more than compensate.

Since there’s always someone ready to monetize everything, of course there are apps you can use to give consent. The concept behind apps like Consent Amour or Legal Fling is that you use your phone to make your consent official. In addition to writing down what is or isn’t permissible, you can add a selfie of the two of you together as further proof that you’re both fully on board.

On one hand, if this method makes it easier for some couples to lay down their ground rules, why not use an app? But since consent can always be removed, it doesn’t guarantee that having the word “legal” in an app means that you can’t still run afoul of the law.

If nothing else, bringing up these apps in a conversation will definitely lead to the two of you talking about your attitudes towards consent. In the end, you may not decide to use one of these apps, but if talking about the possibility helps the two of you clear the air and come to some agreement on how to proceed, that would be well worth it.

Chapter 6

IN THIS CHAPTER

Finding the right partner

Knowing you deserve love

Strengthening your marriage

Communicating lovingly

Sharing time together

If you’ve already found the ideal partner, marriage may be in your future. Congratulations. If you’re already married, then I’ll go one step further and say Mazel Tov .

But some people who get married don’t plan on a lifetime commitment. If you approach marriage with that attitude, you just may get your wish. No one is perfect. No two people share identical tastes in every way. Conflict is inevitable in every marriage. The situation would be unnatural if no disagreements pop up; after all, you and your partner aren’t clones.

Your tolerance for that conflict depends very much on your commitment to the marriage in the first place. If you approach marriage with that proverbial ten-foot pole stuck out in front of you, then any marriage you enter into is destined to fail.

In this chapter, we’ll go over how to use your commitment to a relationship to make sure that the relationship is in as good a shape as possible as well as how to make it through any rough spots.

Think of a marriage as a house of cards. If you merely place the cards together, the least little wind can bring them tumbling down. But if you glue the cards together, then they’re likely to withstand all but the strongest gale. Commitment is the glue that holds a marriage together .

Aha, you thought it was love, right? You thought that, as long as you love each other, you can make it through any storm. You’d be surprised at how many people love each other but can never stay married. Love is not missing in their life together; commitment is.

Maybe she’s more committed to her job. Maybe he’s unwilling to commit because he wants to have sex with other women. Maybe they’re both unwilling to commit in case they meet somebody who may be better for them. A lack of commitment doesn’t mean that partners don’t love each other.

Commitment will also get you through conflict. Two people can’t live together without fighting, at least occasionally. If you’re committed to each other, you’ll be able to negotiate whatever conflicts arise without damaging your relationship.

Having children is supposed to be a sign of commitment, but you can’t count on that, at least not anymore. With the example of so many single parents, especially single mothers, raising children on their own, couples just don’t look at children as reason enough to stay together any longer. I don’t think that having children is right if you don’t at least think of yourselves as a committed couple, but, sadly, too many people disagree with me. I say “sadly” not because they disagree with me, but because of what the situation can do to the children.

Children are much better off growing up with two parents living under the same roof. Some people dispute that, but they’ll never convince me. Now, that doesn’t mean that I never advise a man or a woman to split from their spouse when children are involved, because I do. If two people are really incompatible, if they’re fighting all the time, and maybe even taking their unhappiness out on the children, then divorce is the best recourse. But divorce is not a win-win situation. The situation may be better for everyone concerned after the divorce, but the end result still can’t compare to a whole, functional family.

Never having had a father or a mother around is one thing. But if a child has two parents who suddenly split up, the separation is bound to affect the child. The children may blame themselves for the divorce. They shouldn’t feel guilty because rarely do the kids cause the split, but no matter how much you tell them that they aren’t the reason for the breakup, they won’t believe it. Even if they accept the fact that they didn’t do anything to cause the divorce, they’ll still think that they could have done something to stop it.