Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer - Sex For Dummies

Or let’s say your biological clock is ticking and you’re looking to find a potential father, bringing a magazine that has an article on raising children would be a lead-in to that topic. If the person opposite you indicates in words or body language that having children isn’t something that appeals to him or her, then you’ll know that this date won’t pan out for you.

Let me end this chapter with a question that’s on the mind of many people, whether or not you should have sex at the end of a first date. While I can’t say that you should never do that, I would advise against it.

Remember, to me, a date is the first step towards forming a long-lasting relationship. The slower that process, the better. If you rush into anything, you’re more likely to make a mistake. If you give yourself time to think and make a plan of action, success is more likely to come your way. So don’t rush into having sex.

For more of my thoughts and advice on introducing sex into a relationship, check out Chapter 5.

Chapter 5

IN THIS CHAPTER

Talking about timing and consent

Should you be in love?

Keeping yourself and your partner safe

The early stages of a relationship can resemble taking a walk in the forest wearing blindfolds. You’re still learning each other’s signals and body language. You think you’re ready to have sex with this person, but you’re not sure they’re ready to have sex with you (or vice versa). What do you do?

In this chapter, I discuss that tricky subject of introducing sex into a relationship, including timing, safety concerns, and the important topic of consent.

I call myself old-fashioned and a square. I think that having to ask permission before doing something as harmless as reaching for your date’s hand is unnecessary. To me, having to ask about every little process in the dating game takes away too much of the romance. So asking for permission might ruin the moment, potentially ending the relationship before it has a chance to really get started. And yet I admit that in years past a lot of women were finding themselves being made very uncomfortable, or worse.

The point of cultural changes, embodied in such phrases as “No means No” or “Yes Means Yes,” isn’t to make dating harder but rather to make sure that communications between two people in a growing sexual relationship function optimally. Sometimes that’s going to mean verbalizing a request, and other times that won’t be necessary. And most importantly, for this improvement in communications to take place, both halves of the couple have to be working in unison.

I write about rejection in Chapter 4. Having a date pull away his or her hand is a form of rejection, without a doubt, but it’s not as harsh as being told, “No, I don’t want to hold your hand.” So I would hope that in the early stages of a relationship, at least, such physical cues will remain in your communications arsenal.

Eventually these new rules are going to settle into an accepted pattern and the difficulties of adapting to them will lessen. They won’t totally disappear because some awkwardness is built into the process. But we’re in a period of transition, and so everyone just has to be extra patient as people don’t come with a label reading Level 1, 2 or 3, indicating how much of a stickler for the new rules he or she is.

Before going any further into this subject matter, I’d like to go over a position that I hold with regards to “No Means No” that some consider a bit controversial. Of course I am totally against rape, but it’s because I’m so concerned about rape that I feel a woman must take every precaution and not rely on merely being able to say no.

A woman who is naked in bed with a man is extremely vulnerable. To count on being able to say no in order to prevent unwanted intercourse is, in my opinion, too risky. That’s not to say that there aren’t scenarios where it is perfectly safe. If the two people have a good relationship, have engaged in sexual activity, and both of them understand that intercourse is not on the table, that is a different story. They’ve gradually come to this position and trust each other. The dangerous situation I’m alluding to is when two people don’t know each other that well — perhaps there is an added vulnerability provided by alcohol or drugs — and she willingly takes off all her clothes but hasn’t made up her mind to go all the way. I’m not excusing a potential rape, I’m just saying that the potentiality increases. Some men will stop at hearing no, but others won’t. It would be a rape, but they’re so sexually aroused that it clouds their sense of right and wrong.

So my point is, if a woman absolutely wants to protect herself from being raped, she should never put herself in a position where her only line of defense is the word no. To me this is just plain common sense based on what I know about human behavior. And my conscience would bother me if I didn’t state my position as plainly as possible.

There was a time when holding hands and kissing might be as far as a couple would go until they were married. Today those barriers have disappeared, and premarital sex is commonplace. In fact, with the way sex is depicted in the media and talked about in the locker room, there is actual pressure not to wait until marriage — or maybe even past the third or fourth date. But you shouldn’t let that pressure affect you.

Your decision as to how far to go and when should be based on how you feel, not on the behavior of anyone else — certainly not fictional characters or gross exaggerations.

But having said that doesn’t mean that you aren’t affected by peer pressure. If you’re wavering between yes and no, peer pressure will have a role in your final decision; there’s no avoiding that. To think that you’re immune to peer pressure would be foolish.

Some people decide that it’s not worth arguing with themselves about when is the right moment to have sex and just take the plunge at the first opportunity. If the sex is good, that ends up being a plus on the side of this new relationship, and if it’s so-so or even bad, that might be cause enough to nip the relationship in the bud.

I’m not against one-night stands where both people are in it just to find sexual satisfaction. As long as they’re careful to protect against an unintended pregnancy or disease, I don’t take a moral stand regarding this behavior. But where I part ways with those who jump into bed is if their stated goal is to look for love. Having sex with someone before you really understand your emotions for each other can skew matters. Let’s say you have sex, and it’s terrific. You’ll then want to do it again. But maybe this person isn’t someone you feel you could ever fall madly in love with. Now you’re “wasting” your time, with regards to finding love, with this sexual partner. On the other hand, two people who have a strong connection can learn how to please each other with time. So just because an initial sexual experience wasn’t the best shouldn’t be the cause to automatically rule this person out.