Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer - Sex For Dummies

Is condom use enough protection? I discuss this more in Chapter 21, but to take one example of why condoms only limit the risk, not obliterate it, genital herpes can appear on other parts of the body besides the genitals. If your partner has herpes virus on the skin of his or her thigh and you have a pimple nearby, you’re at risk of getting herpes whether or not a condom was used during intercourse.

So having sex without first talking about disease transmission is a mistake. I wish I didn’t have to give such advice, that the risks of catching an unwanted disease were so slim that I didn’t have to emphasize it, but sadly that’s not the case. But this turns out to be a very good reason to only have sex with a partner with whom you have a romantic relationship.

If the two of you love each other, asking whether your partner has been tested for STIs represents a minor bump in the road (unless he or she admits to having one or more diseases, in which case you have some thinking to do). But if you’re only casual acquaintances, there’ll be a strong temptation to skip this embarrassing topic. If you’re sexually aroused, that part of your brain that you rely on for checks and balances will get overwhelmed by that part ruled by your libido. You’ll be much more likely to roll the dice, sort of the way you might drop a piece of candy on the floor and then kiss it up to God before popping it into your mouth.

So how do you initiate this conversation? The first rule: it mustn’t be right before engaging in sexual behavior. If you’re sufficiently aroused you won’t even bother to listen to the answer but just assume it’s okay. And yet, this is a difficult question to bring up out of the blue, in part because if you do, it will make the person you’re dating think that you want to have sex.

I see two approaches, timing wise:

One is to ask the question on a first date. You’re asking about hobbies, work, travel so why not “Have you ever been tested for sexually transmitted diseases?” It’s an awkward question no matter when you raise it but at least on a first date your date probably won’t jump to the conclusion that you want to go to bed right away. And if that happens, it’s pretty easy to deflect that possibility.

If you’re asking the question after you’ve made up your mind that you do want to have sex, an easier way to bring up the topic is with a lead-in. Find an article about STIs (a Google search will probably lead to a lot more than you could ever read through), and then you can bring up the article or the statistics you just read, and that will lead into the topic of testing.

Or else, if you haven’t been tested in a while, or never been tested, get yourself tested and then you can announce the result — hopefully negative — and that will almost force your date to talk about his or her testing status.

If you’ve tested positive for a disease, then you’re better off bringing up the subject sooner rather than later. Of course if you can sense in the first few minutes of a date that you’d never want to have sex with this person, then it would be useless to raise this issue but if you’re interested then don’t wait so long that you could get your heart broken in case this person ends up ghosting you after you reveal this about yourself.

Passing on an STI or STD won’t be a problem if you’re a virgin (and by “virgin” I mean someone who has never had any type of sex, as diseases can be transmitted during oral and anal sex, even naked rubbing up against each other, as well as intercourse), but you will face other issues. Unless you’re sure the person you’re dating is also a virgin, which if you’re young is more likely, admitting that this is an important milestone you’ve yet to cross will be a bit of a challenge.

Virgins can have several different attitudes towards their status. To some, their virginity is something that’s important to them and not something to give up lightly. To others, it’s a stain that they want removed as quickly as possible. And then there are those with one foot in each camp, curious but also a little afraid.

I’m in favor of the first position because that moment when you lose your virginity is one you’ll never forget, and so you should put in the effort to make it one you want to remember and not forget.

If you wait to fall in love before having sex, then your virginity is something that you might already have told your partner about. But if it’s still under wraps, here are some suggestions as to how to make the big reveal:

In Chapter 4, I suggest you bring a book to a first date as a possible topic of conversation. There are plenty of books on virginity, or at least that have the word virgin in the title (even if one of the ones I found was about olive oil!). By having one of these out on the table the topic of your own virginity will flow more naturally.

If at least part of your reason for remaining a virgin is religious, then a discussion about your religious beliefs could easily lead to your position on virginity.

The original reason that brides wear white is that it was supposed to be a sign of their purity, i.e. their virginity. Some famous person or other is always making the news for getting married and so if the bride in this couple in the news is wearing white, it gives you an opening to talk about your status in a matter of fact way.

By the way, I’m not assuming that in talking about virginity I’m only addressing my female readers. A male virgin, especially if his first partner is experienced, may have even more issues than a female. If he is dishonest about his status, his inexperience may lead to something even more embarrassing — erectile difficulties. So my advice to you male virgins out there is not to resort to bravado and pretend you’re a veteran but instead make sure to let your partner now that you are a newbie.

Some people consider themselves to be a virgin even if they’ve had oral sex or even anal sex. If you fall into that category, what’s going to happen is that your partner may naturally assume that if you are having other types of sex that intercourse is also something you would engage in. Don’t wait to tell a partner that you won’t have intercourse while you’re having other types of sex. Make sure your partner is aware of how far you’re willing to go before any of your clothes come off. And if you’re sufficiently intimate to engage in an activity like oral sex, it shouldn’t be that hard to talk about your limits.

When you’re in a new relationship, even if you have plenty of prior experience, proceeding to the next step physically can still be tricky.

Back in the day, the standard procedure was that the male would keep trying to push the boundaries — touching his date’s breasts through her clothing, putting his hand under her clothing, and so on — and the female would either allow her date’s hand to explore or push it away.

Today, there are new standards being implemented, but not everyone is on board, and that goes for both sexes. The key is to keep that word consent front and center. We humans communicate in so many ways, not just with words. In fact, even words can have more than one meaning. A woman might say no in such a way that she really means yes but wants to be asked again, or say yes but is obviously giving in to pressure and not pleasure. So it’s better that a “No” be given as clearly as possible. (But if she wants the relationship to continue forward, that “No” shouldn’t be given in a mean way either.)