Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer - Sex For Dummies

On the one hand, the question “Is holding hands sex?” seems silly, but there are many people today who don’t consider oral or anal sex as being sex, reserving that term for intercourse only, so the first point I’d like to make is that all physical contact falls on the continuum known as sex. And the continuum is different depending on who you are.

If you’re an Orthodox Jew, shaking hands with someone of the opposite sex is forbidden, even though most people would never think of this gesture as being at all sexual. On the other hand, for many Europeans, kissing both cheeks as a way of greeting is perfectly acceptable, even mandatory, and there is no sexual connotation whatsoever.

If two people meet, sense an attraction, and hold hands, that gesture falls on the continuum of sexuality. How long before it leads to actual intercourse is unknown, but the possibility that it’s heading that way becomes real at that first touch. And that’s why how you handle this simple gesture, having someone try to take your hand, has consequences. For example, if a man tries to hold the hand of a woman and she just pulls her hand away gently, that sends a different signal than if she pulls it away and quickly sticks it in her coat pocket.

If you’re in love, the introduction of sex will come naturally. You’ll both want to have it, and you won’t be afraid of what will happen. Your love will give you both the confidence that, no matter what happens, the relationship will continue and you’ll both be able to improve, assuming any improvements are needed.

Falling in love can be a shared experience or a one-way experience. If it’s shared, if you’re both in love and have said those magic words to each other, then I see no reason to delay in moving forward on the sexual continuum if you’re both ready to do so. But if you’re in love and the other person isn’t reciprocating that emotion, I would advise putting on the brakes. If you start using sex in order to hold onto somebody for the wrong reasons, you’ll probably end up hurt.

If you’re not in love, at least not head-over-heels in love, but just like each other very much, introducing sex into the relationship will be trickier. Sex is an intimate act, and an increase in intimacy might turn up the volume on your feelings, which would be a good thing. But sex, if it’s just to satisfy curiosity, can make two people less intimate. By having sex, you’ve taken a large bite out of the mystery of the relationship. Maybe you’ll start comparing this person to past lovers. That’s always a risky thing to do but especially if the person isn’t basking in the glow of your love. Shine a cold, harsh light on two naked bodies, and the result may not be so pretty.

At this point let me be clear that I’m not saying that two people who have sex must be on the road to marriage. Every relationship isn’t going to last. And every marriage isn’t guaranteed to last either. What I do advise is that there exist a strong emotional pull between the two of you, one that at least has the potential to be permanent. That way, having sex will make the relationship stronger rather than drive a wedge between the two of you, as can happen when two people who don’t have strong feelings for each other have sex.

Are there other considerations when it comes to deciding to go ahead and have sex with someone? Definitely. Here are few important ones:

Do you feel safe with this person? You’re very vulnerable when you have sex with someone. You’re naked, and at the moment of orgasm the rest of the world gets shut out. If you perceive, either consciously or subconsciously, any sort of dangerous vibe coming from this person, that’s going to interfere with your sexual pleasure. You’ll be less able to let go. And if your gut is offering up warning signs, maybe you should listen.

Does this person make you feel good about yourself? None of us has a perfect body. Clothing masks a lot of imperfections. Take that clothing off, and you’ll likely feel some degree of embarrassment — at least for the initial few times. So does this other person make you feel good about yourself? If you can’t answer yes, maybe you should think twice before allowing him or her to see you completely naked.

Are you sure you really know this person? Getting to know someone requires a peeling back of layers. Nobody shows their true selves on a first date, and it might take weeks or even months for the real you to emerge. And that’s true for your partner as well. This is a learning period and there can be some rough spots. There may come a time when you think to yourself, “Am I sure I want to be a couple?” Physical desire can help pull you through such moments. If you still have something important to look forward to, then perhaps you’ll decide that the good overcomes the bad. But if you’re already having sex, then it’s no longer a carrot urging you forward.

If he drapes his arm across her shoulders on the second date and she gives him a smile, that’s a probably sign of progress towards sex but it’s not a green light to hopping into bed later that evening. But if while they’re having dinner she plays footsie with him under the table, he’s probably going to assume that she’s indicating a readiness to take the relationship further. How far, however, if yet to be determined.

I don’t believe that some aspects of this double standard are ever going to change because men and women are built differently. On the whole, men become aroused a lot faster than a woman. And while a man can rape a woman, the reverse is not true as she can’t force him to achieve an erection though that’s not to say, as studies have shown, that a woman can’t coerce a man into having sex even if she can’t physically force him into doing so. But still, all these factors have to be integrated in how humans act when it comes to entering the sexual continuum.

And let’s face it, the man still is the one expected to push the sexual side of the relationship forward. That’s not to say that there aren’t plenty of women who aren’t afraid of being sexually assertive but they also understand that they risk turning the man they’re with off if they come on too strong.

Sex comes with risks, and here I don’t just mean intercourse but also oral and anal sex. According to the Center for Disease Control, one in two sexually active people will contract a sexually transmitted infection (STI) by the age of 25. This means that joining the ranks of the sexually active also means jumping into the germ pool, and that’s not something you should do without taking whatever action you can to limit your risks.

The sexual revolution was launched with the arrival of the birth control pill. Before that milestone, the risk of an unintended pregnancy was too high, and most (though certainly not all) couples waited until they were married to have sex. However, contraception only works if you use it. And with sexually transmitted diseases so rampant, couples face another set of risks, which is why condom use is also important, whether or not a woman is on the Pill.