John Austin - So Now You’re a Zombie - A Handbook for the Newly Undead

Article VIII of the Zombie Code strictly prohibits zombies from attempting to engage in coherent speech, under penalty of tongue removal (see “The Zombie Code,” page 143 THE ZOMBIE CODE In the early part of the first century A.D., the zombie movement was plagued with setbacks. Operating without guidelines or responsibilities, our predecessors’ mismanaged terror campaign only led to the demise of a number of zombie hordes. Eventually, they decided to draw up a simple Undead Agreement, known today as the Zombie Code. This code outlines general rules of behavior for the undead. Unfortunately, many new recruits are unaware of this document. We provide it here as a public service. I. A zombie shall hunt, fight, and feed on the living. II. All zombies shall have equal title to fresh provisions, even if they do not take part in the capture or kill. III. A zombie shall engage in battle with any humans it encounters, whatever the odds. Those who do not are guilty of cowardice, which is punishable by decapitation. IV. A zombie on fire shall always run directly toward humans, avoiding all other undead. V. No zombie shall intentionally take a blow to protect another zombie; this show of emotion will lead to decapitation. VI. A zombie shall not sleep or rest under any circumstances. VII. A zombie that loses a limb during an engagement shall be given half a brain in compensation. VIII. No zombie shall speak or attempt to speak any coherent words. If a zombie does, its blue tongue will be removed. IX. All zombies shall have the right to engage in zed-on-zed violence. X. A zombie shall work toward the complete destruction of the living, helping to transform the living landscape into the kingdom of the undead. XI. A zombie shall never follow the laws of man, punishable by decapitation. After reviewing these articles, you must now swear to them by moaning a garbled affirmation to the following oath: I solemnly swear that I will uphold and defend the Zombie Code against all enemies, living and robotic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the zombie apocalypse; that I will perform all duties cursed upon me as a warrior of the undead. I take this obligation against my free will. Only after you have incoherently sworn to uphold your duties will the undead horde accept you. Your body is now the property of the zombie movement. As a member, your responsibilities will be modest but important. Should you want to be released from this obligation, you may do so through decapitation. ). But are zombies even capable of talking? Verbal communication is very rare for a zed, because the z-virus damages the auditory center of the brain. If speech is possible, it’s usually slurred gibberish. Ever hear the phrase “Spray it, don’t say it”? Zombies coined that! Most of us are limited to moaning or screaming when alerted to danger or potential prey. Sorry to knock you off your pedestal, but most predatory animals use the same techniques to rally or warn their fellow hunters—including the brainy breathers.

In situations that require more precise communication, your best bet is to resort to nonverbal techniques—flirtatious gestures, facial expressions, etc. Swinging your hips or turning your head in the direction of your quarry will send a directional message rippling through the horde.

Don’t worry, this isn’t a quiz! The undead come in all shapes and sizes, but whether dismembered or appendage-privileged, each zombie body can be stuffed into one of three basic categories. Once you determine your body type, exploit your strengths and avoid your weaknesses.

Ectomorph (Bony):An ectomorph is a small and fragile zed with narrow shoulders and hips. Its body is lightly muscled but flexible, with a longer stride, and it is capable of unusual speeds (a.k.a. banshee speeds). Ectomorphs should eat human flesh frequently but in small amounts.

Ideal Horde Duties: Tracking and hunting human flesh.

Mesomorph (Shambler).This zed is considered lean and muscular, at least for a decomposing body. Its shoulders are usually wider than its hips, and it is typically stronger than zombies of the other two body types. However, mesomorphs have a tendency to overdo it, and often suffer muscle damage as a result.

Ideal Horde Duties: Barricade smashing or human extraction.

Endomorph (Boomer).An endomorph’s shape resembles an apple or pear, with a larger bottom than top. Sometimes called a hulk , it is both curvy and overweight, less agile, and sometimes slower than zombies of the other two body types. Endomorphs should monitor flesh consumption, as they have a higher risk of gastric explosion. Larger bodies also make larger targets. Tight squeezes can be problematic.

Ideal Horde Duties: Bullet shielding and toxic landmine laying.

Unfortunately, reanimated bodies don’t shamble forever. How long you last depends on two things: the current condition of your corpse and your monthly flesh diet. Ultimately, natural decay will eat away at your body, eventually rendering your corpse incapable of movement before you finally dissolve into nothingness. Zombies take longer to decay than conventional cadavers, because the potent z-virus fends off bacteria and other organisms that cause decomposition. However, if you neglect to nourish the virus by feeding on uninfected flesh, you will disintegrate at a more traditional rate; a starving zombie’s “shamble span” is estimated at four to nine months. (Your results may vary.) On the other hand, if you regularly feed on the living to maintain your decomposing body (see “Human Buffet,” page 105), you could last for two years or more.

Many flesh-craving zeds are quick to join the hunt before asking themselves some very important questions. We’ve picked the brains of fellow zombies and documented the most-moaned questions.

Q: Do I need air?

A:No. While a living human can only live approximately six minutes without air, a zombie is entirely oxygen independent. Its respiratory system, whether damaged or intact, is obsolete. Zeds can even survive in aquatic environments without risk of drowning, though prolonged exposure to water can increase decomposition. Of course, this also means you are safe from suffocation.

Q: Am I vulnerable to anything?

A:Yes: brain damage by cranial penetration, brain stem trauma, or decapitation will stop you in your tracks. If your head is damaged by fire, this can also lead to termination, though your complete cremation could take up to 40 minutes (see “The Flame,” page 92).

Q: Am I allergic to anything?

A:Yes. Human bodies that have been dead longer than 12 hours should not be consumed. This tainted flesh has no nutritional value and may cause stomach buildup and absorption blocking. Improper feeding can lead to blindness and other complications. Toe tags are a good indicator that your meal is spoiled.