John Austin - So Now You’re a Zombie - A Handbook for the Newly Undead

Can we speak zed-to-zed? You can’t keep putting the brain on a pedestal. Uninfected breathers to brainwash gullible zeds into believing a coherent brain is godlike and unattainable. And though functioning gray matter can be cunning and crafty, it’s basically gooey mush.

Brains are also plentiful, though they don’t grow on trees. You have to get up off your bony butt and find them! Brain acquisition is the first rite of passage for any new recruit. But locating a human volunteer for your undead hazing is not easy. As all zombies know, heads are attached to bodies, and bodies have legs. A human’s are responsible for both locomotion and “consumption prevention”—anything to stay off the menu. Humans will run and hide, which can make obtaining their brains very difficult.

Yet not all humans will be hard to sink your teeth into. During the early stages of any zombie plague, less intelligent humans will be completely oblivious to the severity of the problem and continue to stumble around. As natural selection runs its course, other humans will wise up and get the hell out of sight. When this happens, you will need to develop your unique zombie talents to sniff out the living.

This chapter should assist any zed in the relentless pursuit of living Homo sapiens . It will outline successful hunting techniques and provide helpful strategies to penetrate human structures and overcome the obstacles you will face on the hunt.

But be cautious. While there is nothing like the pursuit of a living man, it’s only the first step in the feeding process. If you track down a meal only to find yourself unprepared to kill it, you’ll not only embarrass yourself but also put yourself in danger. To increase the chances of a successful hunt, carefully study the chapter on combat techniques before setting out (see “Attacking,” page 79).

In addition, hunting should always be attempted with fellow zeds. Most hunters are more effective as a pack—or in your case a horde. By communally descending on a single target, it will be more difficult for a swift-moving human to slip though your grasp.

Humans are generally more active during daylight and sleep at night to restore their bodies, which makes nighttime the ideal time for a zombie hunt. Most humans will be unprepared or resting, which makes them easy targets. In many cases, humans snore. A snoring human continually makes noises while sleeping, a sound that you can easily detect. Once you spot a group of sleeping humans, target the closest prey; the others will probably awake after you attack.

Once a zombie outbreak is in full swing, however, humans will dramatically alter their daily routine. You will experience human activity at all hours, including the dead of night. Humans often use the cover of darkness to migrate or forage for supplies. Their flashlights, torches, and lanterns are easily visible, even several miles away, depending on weather and terrain. More cautious humans may use the darkness to their advantage, shutting off their lights to conceal their presence. However, this will reduce their own ability to see, increasing these heavy breathers’ vulnerability to sneak attacks.

So should you discontinue day hunting? The short answer is no! Even though nocturnal hunting has many advantages, the bright light of day provides amazing visibility. However, some z-virus strains cause extreme light sensitivity, which forces the unlucky zed to hide during daylight and avoid blinding lightbulbs. Photosensitive zombies may also experience severe headaches, made all the worse when accompanied by human screaming.

When it comes to hunting, zombies are inherently good trackers, so don’t disappoint the horde! With a combination of your specialized senses and an understanding of clues left by the living, it is easy to locate possible human habitations. Here are the most important clues that will help you close in on your meal.

Smoke.Smoke is a sure sign that something has gone down! While large plumes are usually the result of a car crash or house fire, small wisps of smoke suggest a human settlement. Humans may huddle around a fire to keep warm, and they have the disgusting habit of cooking food over open flames.

Trash.Humans are megaconsumers—they generate large amounts of trash, and often leave a trail of it behind them. Just follow the shiny candy-bar wrappers and empty bottles and cans, and you should find some unfortunate slob.

Fortified Structures.Homes or other buildings that have been fortified against zombie attack—with boarded up windows, for example—are usually stockpiled with brains. (See “Human Structures,” page 51.)

Vehicles.Cars and trucks that look to be in working condition, especially with abundant supplies strapped to the roof, are a sign that some human is prepared and on the move. (See “Transportation,” page 65.)

Pets.Breathers love companionship, and where a well-cared-for domestic animal is present, humans are never far behind. Dogs will detect your odor and start barking, which can help you find their owners. In a pinch, pets are suitable for eating (see “Ordering Off the Menu,” page 114).

Noise.Our advice to you: investigate all noises. Most sounds are the direct result of something man-made or other zeds on the hunt.

Once you’ve tracked down a promising supply, it’s time to round up some humans!

While you might be tempted to make it up as you go, here are a few techniques zeds have developed during past hunts that tend to yield a higher kill rate. Always remember: Safety in numbers and avoid being in front. And do not engage a human before reading the chapter on attack strategies (see page 79).

To bait your prey, first immobilize a human decoy, preferably an attractive female. Keep your bait in a state of consciousness; your damsel in distress should remain screaming. In time, concern and arousal will lure other breathers out of hiding to assist her. Their stupidity will be your reward—converge on the human heroes and attack. If they call your bluff and abandon her, just finish her off.

One warning: you may find that zombies outside of your horde will try to steal your bait for their meal. Be prepared for zed-on-zed violence.

Humans can be successfully herded in both rural and urban settings. The most difficult part of this tactic is separating your horde into two separate stalking groups. Once that is accomplished, the first group (the “drivers”) should slowly shamble forward, moaning and screaming. This undead commotion will alarm the living, who will flee from the impending assault—right into a trap set by your second group of brain-eaters.