John Austin - So Now You’re a Zombie - A Handbook for the Newly Undead

You can wait until the virus paralyzes them, feed on them for strength, and then attempt to depart.

Perhaps the best option is to wait for your captors to be reanimated. If they survive zombification, they may be a big help. Research from field observation has shown that some newly reanimated zeds repeat past learned behaviors, such as unlocking cell doors. Your new zedmate could very well set you free!

Desperate times call for desperate measures. When all else fails, some zeds may want to avoid a slow, decomposing death. While we do not advocate zombicide, we can’t stop you from trying it. You may have encountered too many hazards in the human world, any of which could have terminated you. But what if no mortal is present to do the deed? Two self-inflicted options stand out from all the others. Review these options, but please reconsider—you have your whole undead life ahead of you!

After any widespread zombie uprising, you’re likely to find a number of fires burning out of control. If you are a truly lazy zed, and are suffering the drying effects of decomposition, creep into the burning embers to end it all. The next few minutes will be your last, as flames swallow up your devilish bag of bones.

Height can kill! If you’re looking for a quick way to destroy your brain, take a tumble off a bridge, parking structure, or high-rise. But before you do, make sure you’ll be falling three stories or more. Anything less will just cause deformities.

Be warned, other zeds may follow you. Zombies have been known to exhibit lemming-like behavior, which could turn your zombicide into a deadly game of follow the leader. To reduce horde fatalities, wait until your fellow zombies are safely out of sight.

In the early part of the first century A.D., the zombie movement was plagued with setbacks. Operating without guidelines or responsibilities, our predecessors’ mismanaged terror campaign only led to the demise of a number of zombie hordes. Eventually, they decided to draw up a simple Undead Agreement, known today as the Zombie Code. This code outlines general rules of behavior for the undead.

Unfortunately, many new recruits are unaware of this document. We provide it here as a public service.

I. A zombie shall hunt, fight, and feed on the living.

II. All zombies shall have equal title to fresh provisions, even if they do not take part in the capture or kill.

III. A zombie shall engage in battle with any humans it encounters, whatever the odds. Those who do not are guilty of cowardice, which is punishable by decapitation.

IV. A zombie on fire shall always run directly toward humans, avoiding all other undead.

V. No zombie shall intentionally take a blow to protect another zombie; this show of emotion will lead to decapitation.

VI. A zombie shall not sleep or rest under any circumstances.

VII. A zombie that loses a limb during an engagement shall be given half a brain in compensation.

VIII. No zombie shall speak or attempt to speak any coherent words. If a zombie does, its blue tongue will be removed.

IX. All zombies shall have the right to engage in zed-on-zed violence.

X. A zombie shall work toward the complete destruction of the living, helping to transform the living landscape into the kingdom of the undead.

XI. A zombie shall never follow the laws of man, punishable by decapitation.

After reviewing these articles, you must now swear to them by moaning a garbled affirmation to the following oath:

I solemnly swear that I will uphold and defend the Zombie Code against all enemies, living and robotic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the zombie apocalypse; that I will perform all duties cursed upon me as a warrior of the undead. I take this obligation against my free will.

Only after you have incoherently sworn to uphold your duties will the undead horde accept you. Your body is now the property of the zombie movement. As a member, your responsibilities will be modest but important. Should you want to be released from this obligation, you may do so through decapitation.

So, you living bastard, this zombie handbook has found its way into your juicy hands? Think you’ve uncovered the secrets of the walking undead? Think again! The pages of this book have been laced with the z-virus. You’re now enrolled, either through finger-to-nose or finger-to-mouth transference. At this very moment, the virus is incubating in your body. Symptoms will soon begin to show.

There is no known cure. Welcome to the army of the undead. By reading and possessing this book, you have now received the information necessary to wipe out the rest of the human race. Thank you for joining us in one of the greatest conflicts in zed history!

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Austin, John, 1978-

So now you’re a zombie : a handbook for the newly undead / John Austin.

p. cm.

1. Zombies—Humor. I. Title.

PN6231.Z65A87 2010

818’.607—dc22

2010028750

Cover and interior design: Jonathan Hahn

Illustrations: John Austin

© 2010 by John Austin

All rights reserved

Published by Chicago Review Press, Incorporated

814 North Franklin Street

Chicago, Illinois 60610

ISBN 978-1-56976-342-1

Printed in the United States of America

5 4 3 2 1

The living are constantly coming up with insulting names for us so scribble additional names you overhear for reference.