John Austin: So Now You’re a Zombie: A Handbook for the Newly Undead

For centuries, humans have stereotyped zombies as simpleminded, flesh-eating monstrosities that aimlessly stumble around the world of the living, hunting for a taste of their most precious dish: the human brain. Dripping with infected blood, zeds will slaughter, gorge, and multiply until they drive their principal food source, humankind, to extinction.

These assumptions are basically correct. We zombies are more reckless and less quick-witted than our living counterparts—our bloodstained history reflects that. But we possess other attributes and abilities that provide us with distinct advantages over the living. While our bodies are impervious to pain, humans are tormented by the slightest injury. While we lack all emotion, they are driven by pride and greed, fighting amongst themselves over resources, politics, and potential mates.

Unfortunately, humans will also fight for their own survival, hindering the ability of any zombie horde to peacefully feed on them. Most humans will run and some will hide, but few will lie down for the easy picking. Some may even battle us to the death, and it is these dead-enders who make the existence of a zombie so dangerous. A simple feeding frenzy can turn hazardous without warning, and often the zombie itself will lose an appendage—or even its head. Either outcome will hamper a zed’s vile body in future feedings, and could result in its second demise.

In recent years, human resistance has been fortified by a grotesque surge in publications that outline survival strategies for the living in case of a zombie outbreak. Very few books (if any) have been written to teach brain-eaters such as you how to hunt, fight, and feed. That is precisely the reason the earth is still crawling with breathers, and why only three out of five zombies survive the first 48 hours of postmortem “life.”

So Now You’re a Zombie aims to correct this imbalance. Originally written in blood hundreds of years ago, it has now been updated with fresh content for today’s zed. It is a digest of specific information that you, the newly undead, can absorb in order to prepare for man’s brutality and improve your survival rate. If you apply its lessons instead of just eating the pages they’re printed on, you’ll soon become one terrorizing S.O.B.

As all zombies know, learning can be hell! But to survive, you must refocus your limited brainpower and hone what little dexterity you have left. In order to reduce the pressure on your decaying cranium, this book provides you with only the bare bones—the essential information you need to know before engaging with the living. So Now You’re a Zombie will:

Introduce you to your new smelly body

Offer insights on the living resistance

Provide information on how to properly attack a human

Ensure that you feel adequately prepared to defend against last-ditch resisters

Expose you to the nutritional demands of an all-human diet

Provide insight from experienced zombies that have successfully infected the living

Uncover a wide range of other issues you will face in the living world

Outline a contingency plan for when the end is near

This information, when used correctly (and not eaten), should give you the upper hand (if still attached) over your human prey. And by reducing horde casualties, you and other well-oriented zeds can assist in the collapse of civilization. Remember, you’re part of a team. When individual zombies succeed, the undead horde succeeds, and vice versa.

In short, So Now You’re a Zombie will help you build a foundation for many aggressive, brain-gobbling years to come.

Yes, becoming a zed can be a confusing experience. But, then, living as a human amid a zombie outbreak must be pretty bewildering as well. Who knows—maybe you’re not a zombie after all! If you have any whiff of doubt about your current status, living or undead, we recommend that you use the following checklist as a self-diagnosis. Check all the boxes that apply.

• You have a dismal appearance.Fashion is no longer a priority, or maybe it never was. Your clothes have been reduced to rags and hang off your body. Just remember: if you are a zombie, whatever you died in is what you’ll be wearing for the rest of your post-life, so hopefully you dressed comfortably.

• You’re suffering from insomnia.Haven’t slept for days, but you’re still functioning? A good night’s sleep has been proven to help body restoration—something every zombie will no doubt miss.

• You notice changes in mobility.You lack coordination and now move with a slow and shambling gait. You may experience jerks and seizures as well.

• Communication is difficult.Most zombies can’t talk, so don’t feel bad. You’ll be limited to grunting and moaning—if your lungs are still intact, that is.

• You’re experiencing skin decomposition.A zombie’s skin will eventually become toxic and infectious, but in the early stages of post-life you may experience small outbreaks of flesh-eating bacteria and parasites. No reason to be alarmed; fully infected cells will quickly evict those hungry critters.

• You’ve thrown off all your emotional baggage.You have no concept of right or wrong. Awesome! Behavioral side effects may occur; they’re just the tip of the iceberg.

• Your memory is slipping.In fact, your memory is gone! You may still find yourself being drawn toward a particular location or performing a specific action as if it’s somehow familiar, but don’t confuse that with memory. The body of a newly risen zed sometimes responds instinctively to certain pheromones or repeats deeply ingrained learned behavior.

• You’re bulletproof from the neck down.Ammo may slow you down, but you are only slightly fazed by gunshots to the body. Just avoid any head shots.

• You crave human brains.Strangely, pizza and pasta no longer do it for you. The taste of ordinary human food is similar to cardboard. Vegetarian or not, you are now 100 percent carnivore.

• You recently died.This is a big one! Now you’re “magically” reading this book. Spooky, huh?

If you checked only a few of the boxes (except the last one), you might still be living and uninfected; stop reading and seek professional help immediately. But if all or most of them fit the bill, you’re a frickin’ zombie!