John Austin - So Now You’re a Zombie - A Handbook for the Newly Undead

So now what? Even the undead have options, however limited.

1. Zombicide.Find a convenient way to destroy your remaining brain function and end it all (see “Zombicide,” page 140 Zombicide Zombicide [ ZOM-bee-side ]: The act of voluntarily terminating oneself, if one is a zombie, during an activity that does not involve pursuing human flesh. Desperate times call for desperate measures. When all else fails, some zeds may want to avoid a slow, decomposing death. While we do not advocate zombicide, we can’t stop you from trying it. You may have encountered too many hazards in the human world, any of which could have terminated you. But what if no mortal is present to do the deed? Two self-inflicted options stand out from all the others. Review these options, but please reconsider—you have your whole undead life ahead of you! Fire After any widespread zombie uprising, you’re likely to find a number of fires burning out of control. If you are a truly lazy zed, and are suffering the drying effects of decomposition, creep into the burning embers to end it all. The next few minutes will be your last, as flames swallow up your devilish bag of bones. Fall Height can kill! If you’re looking for a quick way to destroy your brain, take a tumble off a bridge, parking structure, or high-rise. But before you do, make sure you’ll be falling three stories or more. Anything less will just cause deformities. Be warned, other zeds may follow you. Zombies have been known to exhibit lemming-like behavior, which could turn your zombicide into a deadly game of follow the leader. To reduce horde fatalities, wait until your fellow zombies are safely out of sight. ). However, you will never have the opportunity to have your boss as an appetizer.

2. Shamble alone.Assume that this guide carries the stench of burden. Abandon its advice and search aimlessly for a brainy brunch until someone cuts off your head.

3. Accept your fate.Try to extract some of the knowledge from this manual and join the struggle, uprising, plague, apocalypse … call it what you will!

If you moaned “ threeeeeee ,” we are drooling with excitement that you crave an evil education, and will help you take those first shambling steps as a new zed.

While you drool over these pages, you must remember one thing: keep this book from those living bastards! Humans may already have access to countless volumes of zombie lore and survival strategies written by their own so-called experts, but these books are often filled with inaccurate or outdated information. Because this is an official guide by zombies, for zombies, the insights it contains would prove far more dangerous in mortal hands. Let the humans continue to believe the centuries-old myths they have prepared for.

To protect the manual, place it in one of your open body cavities for safe-keeping. If in fact a human terminates you, the book and all its knowledge will be disposed of along with your corpse. An inexperienced human would never risk the chance of viral infection by touching or dissecting a zombie.

The knowledge in this book has come at a price. Thousands of relentless zombies have given up their post-lives to amass it. It is important to remember, however, that the zombies who wrote this book possessed questionable intelligence. Even with their limited IQs pooled together, some information in this book might prove incomplete or misleading. If you choose to apply the principles outlined in this book, your safety and the safety of the horde are not guaranteed.

The amount of useful material you extract from this book will be directly related to your level of decomposition. While fresh zombies have always exhibited a higher capacity for learning, in some rare cases, heavily decomposed zombies have managed to retain some knowledge as well.

Finally, please be advised that some contents of this book are graphic in nature, and could make you hungry.

Sincerely,

Zedulations, you’re a zombie! You are one of the newest appendages of an alliance of infected ex-humans, a creature seasoned for a single duty: to gorge upon the living. The zombie virus stuffed in your innards borrows the human body—similar to “borrowing a tissue”—shutting off all your wasteful bodily functions then reanimating you with a hunger that defies the laws of human science. Your body is now controlled by roughly 50 billion contaminated neurons in the brain (though, admittedly, we’ve never counted them), all manipulated to a new purpose: to hunt, fight, and feed.

Prior to your body’s metamorphosis, also known as zombification , these neurons were highly developed, capable of problem solving, language, memory, and perverted thinking. But once you became infected, all these mental processes were dissolved in a traumatic brain event, even the kinky ones. This viral dementia is precisely the reason you don’t remember joining up! Going forward, it will affect your ability to use weapons, hunt cooperatively, and communicate during the pursuit of the living. These attributes have been replaced by screaming, drooling, shambling, and other zed mannerisms, which may or may not come in handy.

Once the z-virus is introduced into a system, it is 100 percent incurable, so rest assured: your position in the Army of Darkness is irrevocable. However, in order to remain a productive member of our team, you must consume and absorb uninfected flesh to decelerate decomposition.

The good news is, you are well equipped with the weapons necessary to gain access to your tasty prey. Your newly transformed brain cells still erratically control all gross motor skills, allowing your zombie body to be clumsily mobile and react to the world in a limited, instinctual way. With the help of newly enhanced zombie senses, these crude motor skills are all you need to track and dine on the living. In addition, you’re impervious to pain and capable of absorbing large amounts of damage, including the loss of appendages or major organs. Your body will keep on ticking until it’s disconnected from your brain, whether through decapitation, blunt force trauma, fire, or cranial penetration.

It’s a lotto absorb, but throughout the rest of the book all the information you need will be regurgitated in body-dragging detail.

They say infection, we say solution! In your past incarnation, the world was filled with what humans call “responsibilities,” grotesque obligations that held you accountable to your peers. But as a zed, you are no longer bedeviled by these rules. In fact, high standards and quality living are actually frowned upon in the zombie world. As the Zombie Code clearly states, “A zombie shall never follow the laws of man, punishable by decapitation” (see “The Zombie Code,” page 143 THE ZOMBIE CODE In the early part of the first century A.D., the zombie movement was plagued with setbacks. Operating without guidelines or responsibilities, our predecessors’ mismanaged terror campaign only led to the demise of a number of zombie hordes. Eventually, they decided to draw up a simple Undead Agreement, known today as the Zombie Code. This code outlines general rules of behavior for the undead. Unfortunately, many new recruits are unaware of this document. We provide it here as a public service. I. A zombie shall hunt, fight, and feed on the living. II. All zombies shall have equal title to fresh provisions, even if they do not take part in the capture or kill. III. A zombie shall engage in battle with any humans it encounters, whatever the odds. Those who do not are guilty of cowardice, which is punishable by decapitation. IV. A zombie on fire shall always run directly toward humans, avoiding all other undead. V. No zombie shall intentionally take a blow to protect another zombie; this show of emotion will lead to decapitation. VI. A zombie shall not sleep or rest under any circumstances. VII. A zombie that loses a limb during an engagement shall be given half a brain in compensation. VIII. No zombie shall speak or attempt to speak any coherent words. If a zombie does, its blue tongue will be removed. IX. All zombies shall have the right to engage in zed-on-zed violence. X. A zombie shall work toward the complete destruction of the living, helping to transform the living landscape into the kingdom of the undead. XI. A zombie shall never follow the laws of man, punishable by decapitation. After reviewing these articles, you must now swear to them by moaning a garbled affirmation to the following oath: I solemnly swear that I will uphold and defend the Zombie Code against all enemies, living and robotic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the zombie apocalypse; that I will perform all duties cursed upon me as a warrior of the undead. I take this obligation against my free will. Only after you have incoherently sworn to uphold your duties will the undead horde accept you. Your body is now the property of the zombie movement. As a member, your responsibilities will be modest but important. Should you want to be released from this obligation, you may do so through decapitation. ). So F responsibilities!