John Austin: So Now You’re a Zombie: A Handbook for the Newly Undead

Can You Eat Them? Yes, hiccupping or not. Intoxicated humans are easy prey, as they are often falling asleep or distracted by the munchies. And better still, intoxicated human flesh has a “kick.”

The Sick.Humans constantly battle thousands of nonzombie viruses. These invading organisms can cause fevers, paralysis, comas, and even heart stoppage, all symptoms of zombification. However, none of these viruses cause reanimation. Other symptoms that might confuse you are the stench of decomposing flesh (gangrene), discoloration, and vomiting.

How to Identify Them: Look for hospital beds, thermometers, and IV bags.

Can You Eat Them? Sure! Whatever you have is far worse than what they have.

The Mentally Disturbed.Some humans are so overwhelmed by a zombie invasion that they lose all mental control. They begin to act like their zombie opponents and will even bite other uninfected humans. These “quislings” do not suffer from zombification, although they may actually believe they are infected.

How to Identify Them: Mentally disturbed humans smell of fresh flesh and are possibly bound by other humans.

Can You Eat Them? Yes. No matter what the mental capacity of a ʺQʺ victim, brains taste like brains.

The Demoniacal.Occasionally, living humans are victims of demonic possession—that is, host to evil spirits that are trying to enter the world of the living using the victim as a gateway. When possessed, the human body is under the partial or full control of the demon and could exhibit zombielike behavior.

How to Identify Them: Excessive cursing (normal) and spinning heads (not normal).

Can You Eat Them? No. Demons are frickin’ crazy and unpredictable. Avoid food laced with demonic spirits.

The Nanoinfected.Scientists may deliberately introduce microscopic robots into a human body, to either provide the body with physical enhancements (speed and strength, not bosoms) or reprogram it with a new set of objectives. Advanced nanobots may even keep the host body functioning after death, while they search for a new, healthy host and try to transfer themselves via a bite just like the z-virus.

How to Identify Them: While the movements of a fellow zed are jerky and erratic, nanoinfected bodies move with robotic precision. They may also speak, and have a tendency to use repetitive vocabulary.

Can You Eat Them? It’s unlikely that nanobots would be programmed to both infiltrate living bodies and kill the undead, so eat up.

Pretend Zombies.No, we are not joking. Humans have been observed deliberately mimicking our movements in order to escape or relocate from shoddy hiding places. Oooh, scary!

How to Identify Them: Often pretenders try to mask the sweet smell of their flesh with lotions, deodorants, and other smells, but the zombie nose always knows.

Can You Eat Them? Absolutely! These zombie poseurs should be eaten—slowly and alive!

However, if you happen to come within biting distance of a zombie poseur, give the act a few seconds before you begin chomping. Chances are, eager onlookers are waiting to see the results of the strategy before they attempt to escape as well. Be patient and maybe other lemmings will follow.

No need to ask your doctor if the z-virus is right for you—a zombified body is a definite upgrade from your fragile human form. As a human, you were vulnerable to freak accidents, countless fatal diseases, and cheeseburger-induced heart attacks. Strange as it seems, the deadly virus may have actually prolonged your stay on earth. If in fact, if you were scheduled for a toe tag, the z-virus may have been your winning lottery ticket. So go on, make the most of your new body like you stole it—because you did! This chapter will show you how.

In your oxygen-rich past, your human body was a veritable smorgasbord of complex parts, each dedicated to a unique function necessary for the operation of the whole. Sounds interesting, right?

Wrong! This overly complicated system serves no purpose in the undead universe. The z-virus took the opportunity to trash-can most of its functions, and those that remain have been altered almost beyond recognition. However, after the elegant artistry of the zombification process, the leftovers are surprisingly efficient. You may even say superior . From flesh to claws, the zombie body is fully equipped to serve as an instrument of human destruction.

For example, the virus has modified the muscles in your jaw, relaxing and elongating them to increase your chewing force—quite beneficial when chomping human flesh. In addition, your jaw has become more flexible, making it possible to literally fit your foot in your mouth—or someone else’s. The modifications also increase your swallowing potential.

Scan the menu below for more juicy facts on your most important zed equipment.

Arms.Your arm bone should be connected to your hand bone, and your hand bone catches food. Zeds blessed with two arms have a higher success rate when hunting. Some quick-witted zombies are also capable of using their hands for holding weapons or operating simple human mechanisms. Some rare strains of the z-virus will allow a zombie’s arms to remain active even after they’ve been disconnected from its body; this type of motion is known as zedothermic movement .

Legs.Are you a leg guy or gal—meaning, do you have two of them? These helpful appendages are responsible for moving you from one place to another. Decomposition and other viral side effects have likely hampered their coordination, which is why you have that stereotypical zombie limp, shuffle, or shamble. Legs on fresh zeds move the fastest, so use them before you lose them! Newly undead zombies are capable of adrenaline bursts that surpass those of the average zed, allowing them to move at incredible speeds of up to one step every 1.5 seconds.