John Austin - So Now You’re a Zombie - A Handbook for the Newly Undead

Head.Hey, zed head, without your melon, your body wouldn’t work. It’s packed with the precious infected brain matter that drives you. If your cranium experiences trauma, termination is probable, so be cautious! Just as important, your moan machine—the mouth—is the entry point for human flesh. Most heads are also graced with eyes, ears, and a nose. Lucky for you, the z-virus has enhanced these organs to aid in hunting and combat; see the next section for more details.

Zombies aren’t known for using their heads, but a zed noggin is actually a useful tool for registering stimuli during a human hunt. The z-virus infuses a zombie’s eyes, ears, and nose with extraordinary sensory abilities. By honing your enhanced sight, smell, and hearing and coordinating with other members of the horde (see “Body Language,” page 25), you can pinpoint the location of even the craftiest breather.

Your rotten eyes don’t lie—there is no question your eyeballs are different from a human’s. Your eyes’ light receptors changed during zombification; while the cells responsible for detecting bright light remained virtually untouched, those responsible for working in low light, detecting motion, and providing basic visual information have become highly specialized. Consequently, what appears to be pitch black to a breather is still dimly lit to a zed.

Besides amplifying light for hunting prey under the cover of darkness, your zombie eyes also provide you with improved peripheral vision. This is not the result of your modified light receptors but the side effect of dehydration, which has caused your eyeball to shorten. This shortening causes light rays to focus behind the retina. As a result, your eyes now see distant objects more clearly, while anything within a few inches of you is blurred. Unfortunately, this farsightedness affects all zeds when defending and attacking at close range.

Through a combination of these changes, you may also experience an increase in remote vision. This will allow you to detect the smooth body motion of an uninfected human out of range of your other senses.

What condition are your eyes in? Review the Zombie Eye Chart on the next page. The silhouettes on the top two lines—military, firefighters, police, ninjas, martial art experts, Chuck Norris, and loggers with chainsaws—should be avoided. On the next two lines are other humans who should be targeted—either because they are generally weaker or because their special skills could benefit the human resistance: the elderly and injured, children, medical staff, white-collar office workers, clowns, and farmers (humans need food, right?).

Of course, before the outbreak is over, even the trickier targets will have to be dealt with. But all their brains taste the same, so why not start with those who will put up less of a fight?

Don’t be alarmed that you cannot see your ears. They’re there, right on the sides of your head. Before reanimation, they were responsible for assessing the stupidity of other uninfected humans. The z-virus determined that prejudging others was not necessary in your post-life, so now your ears can only detect the basic sounds made by the living, not evaluate them.

“The ear of the zombie must ring with the voices of the living.”

Test results have shown that fresh zeds share the same auditory range as a human. In addition, though all humans have the biological capability to wiggle their ears, most breathers have not developed this talent. But here’s a surprise—drumroll, please—almost all zombies can! When you were zombified, the virus activated the underdeveloped muscles attached to your ears that make this shifting possible. Once stimulated, your ears are now capable of slight motion that can help determine the direction of noises.

However, you may lose all hearing ability during later stages of post-life. Eventually your ear canals (external auditory canals) will clog with decomposing tissue, blocking the inner ears’ ability to function. In addition, you may experience an increasing problem maintaining your balance. Hearing impairment from decomposition in the ear canals can sometime be cured with a quick dip in water, but damage to the inner ear cannot be undone.

On a hunt, your nose can capture the sweet fragrance of human flesh. Cleverly located between your eyes, but slightly lower, your zed sniffer is capable of not only smelling living prey up to a mile away but also determining its direction. This can be more difficult in an urban environment ; the abundance of odors is sometimes overwhelming.

During decomposition, your nose fills with low levels of toxic mucus. When the living prey’s pheromones—found in their blood, sweat, and other secretions—come in contact with this mucus, your nose instantly registers it and triggers adrenaline-like neurotransmitters in your brain. Which direction your prey is located is then determined by which nasal receptors detect a change in contact levels. When the prey’s direction is pinpointed, you’re off and shambling toward it. (Sounds advanced, doesn’t it?)

Excessive snot may seep into your mouth—which can lead to projectile vomiting, since your body will reject consuming anything other than flesh. Your nose will also experience bleeding after a full meal.

Unfortunately, the humanoid body (living or zed) is equipped with only two eyes, two ears, and one nose. Most zeds eventually lose one or more of these organs through clumsiness, human resistance, or severe decomposition. (“Everyone freeze—my eyeball just popped out!”) Don’t be alarmed if you are missing one of your senses; you can still call on the senses of other zombies through communal hunting. By mobbing together, you not only increase your physical strength but also join up with recently reanimated, fresh zeds who are capable of locating humans more than a mile away.

If attacking with a horde is impossible, sense-deprived zombies should consider “hide and wait” hunting techniques (see “Waiting for Food,” page 48).