John Austin - So Now You’re a Zombie - A Handbook for the Newly Undead

It wasn’t until the third tribe migrated that we achieve a feasting victory. This last tribe of breathers headed south, not realizing their journey would come to abrupt stop at the coast. Quickly outnumbered by the pursuing undead (Go, zed, go!), the tribe was overtaken and hunted to extinction.

With these three great migrations, the z-virus was out, spread globally. Further outbreaks could now strike any time, anywhere.

The birth of an everlasting name! Although humankind had whispered warnings about the undead menace for thousands of centuries, it wasn’t until relatively recently that they granted us recognition in the form of our own name: zombie . The term was coined in the 16th century A.D. by a bunch of tasty Central and West African slaves. Kidnapped from Africa by transatlantic slave traders, these displaced tribesmen were soon confronted with a number of hardships waiting in the New World, including our rambunctious company.

Exhausted from hours in the hot cotton, coffee, and tobacco fields of Haiti, the slaves became easy targets, and our Caribbean ancestors stealthily gobbled them down under cover of darkness. Because the torture of slaves was a regular occurrence, our victims’ screams of pain were completely ignored, and our night hunting continued unopposed—until, during one attack, we got a little sloppy.

It appears that a lone slave survived to witness our undead, cannibalistic feeding habits. Our secret was out, and we noticed that slaves began to travel in groups with farm tools as makeshift weapons for protection. These groups were often a mix of West and Central African people who spoke a variety of native languages. Those who spoke Kimbundu, coming out of Angola, called us nzumbe or nzambi , a word that means “spirit of a dead person.” People from the Congo spoke Bantu and called us zondi , a word that means “ghost” or “soul of a dead person.” It wasn’t long before these displaced people combined the words into zombie ( ZOM-bee ), which would enter the English lexicon in 1871.

As for the slaveholders, at first they assumed that the tales of undead attackers were just myths, products of the slaves’ voodoo religion. They misdiagnosed our killings as animal attacks. But there were no major predators in Haiti (crocodiles and iguanas were quickly exonerated), and of course devoured human carcasses began to turn up, surrounded by our stumbling humanoid footprints. Slave owners eventually decided that the myths must be true—and that voodoo itself was to blame for the attacks. They quickly forbade the public practice of the religion, forced voodoo practitioners to convert to Catholicism, and accused voodoo priests and priestesses of witch-craft, but the attacks did not cease. And the slaves, who knew their religion was not to blame for our eating habits, continued to secretly practice voodoo to preserve their culture. This is why today we are often associated with voodoo.

Of course, even the slaves’ understanding of our nature was horribly inaccurate. To suggest that we are merely the spirits of dead humans—it’s an insult! It wasn’t until the mid-1900s that the breathers fully understood our dreaded behavior and constructed a new, more accurate definition of the term zombie : an undead body that feeds on the living. That’s us!

Our rotten team has cataloged a more complete list of names the humans have bestowed upon the walking dead.

banshees

biters

bloodeaters

boomers

brain-eaters

brainless

the Brainy Bunch

carriers

chompers

crawlers

creepers

the damned

deadheads

the decomposed

decomps

drifters

the evil dead

flesh-eaters

ghouls

the grave dead

greenies

the half-rotten

hulks

immolators

the infected

the living dead

jujus

mindless drones

moaners

mutants

ndzumbi

nzambe

nzumbe

parahumans

plague carriers

post-lifers

the reanimated

red-eyes

the restless dead

the risen

the rising

Romero types

the rotted

rotters

revenants

Satan’s soldiers

screamers

shamblers

shufflers

shuffling dead

siafu

souless body

specters

stenches

stenchers

stiffs

stumblers

toxic avengers

toxic Zs

the undead

the undying

walkers

the walking dead

walking corpses

Zacks

zambi

zed-heads

zeds

zeros

zom-bustibles

zombi

the zombified

Zombo sapiens

zombies

Zs

zumbi [1] The living are constantly coming up with insulting names for us so scribble additional names you overhear for reference.

Over the last few decades, boneheaded human scientists have inadvertently begun to contribute to the undead cause. At this very moment, they are experimenting with genetically engineered, highly contagious versions of the z-virus. If one of these test-tube strains were accidentally introduced into the general population, it could unleash an unstoppable zombie pandemic, a scenario we’ve being itching for for centuries.

But we modern zombies can’t just lie in wait, hoping that some foolhardy breather will do our job for us. If zed history has taught us anything, it’s that we must remain vigilant and lunge at every opportunity that presents itself. The humans continue to evolve—greater weapons, a greater appetite for war and destruction—and so must we. One thing is certain: until the living no longer exist, we cannot rest.

Now that you’ve been introduced to your undead heritage, you may feel the urge to reach out to the zombie horde. Not so fast—you still have a lot left to learn! First, you must be able to distinguish between fellow zeds who share your destiny, and zedlike humanoids who are not on your side. Remember, a breather’s body is vulnerable not only to the z-virus but also to all types of other intruders. Just because it smells like a zombie and looks like a zombie, doesn’t mean it is a zombie! Study this list to better identify nonzombie types you may encounter during your roaming.

Intoxicated Humans.During the early stages of a zombie outbreak, humans may attempt to escape the reality of their hopeless situation by overconsuming alcoholic beverages or hallucinogenic drugs. These substances will mimic many symptoms of zombification, including impaired balance, slurred speech, reddened eyes, and impulsive behavior.

How to Identify Them: They emit puffs of smoke or hold containers of fluid.