John Austin - So Now You’re a Zombie - A Handbook for the Newly Undead

So the first thing you must do before eating your victim is to continue inflicting trauma until your meal is unresponsive. The quickest method is blunt force to the head. Your victims’ head. Not yours.

If your victim is unconscious, he or she may be experiencing the advanced stages of zombification. Procrastinating could result in your victim completing reanimation and shambling away. Once it becomes fast-on-its-feet food, you’ve forfeited your meal.

Even if reanimation is not forthcoming, an uneaten human can quickly attract other hungry zeds. As the Zombie Code states, everyone is entitled to a meal (see “The Zombie Code,” page 143 THE ZOMBIE CODE In the early part of the first century A.D., the zombie movement was plagued with setbacks. Operating without guidelines or responsibilities, our predecessors’ mismanaged terror campaign only led to the demise of a number of zombie hordes. Eventually, they decided to draw up a simple Undead Agreement, known today as the Zombie Code. This code outlines general rules of behavior for the undead. Unfortunately, many new recruits are unaware of this document. We provide it here as a public service. I. A zombie shall hunt, fight, and feed on the living. II. All zombies shall have equal title to fresh provisions, even if they do not take part in the capture or kill. III. A zombie shall engage in battle with any humans it encounters, whatever the odds. Those who do not are guilty of cowardice, which is punishable by decapitation. IV. A zombie on fire shall always run directly toward humans, avoiding all other undead. V. No zombie shall intentionally take a blow to protect another zombie; this show of emotion will lead to decapitation. VI. A zombie shall not sleep or rest under any circumstances. VII. A zombie that loses a limb during an engagement shall be given half a brain in compensation. VIII. No zombie shall speak or attempt to speak any coherent words. If a zombie does, its blue tongue will be removed. IX. All zombies shall have the right to engage in zed-on-zed violence. X. A zombie shall work toward the complete destruction of the living, helping to transform the living landscape into the kingdom of the undead. XI. A zombie shall never follow the laws of man, punishable by decapitation. After reviewing these articles, you must now swear to them by moaning a garbled affirmation to the following oath: I solemnly swear that I will uphold and defend the Zombie Code against all enemies, living and robotic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the zombie apocalypse; that I will perform all duties cursed upon me as a warrior of the undead. I take this obligation against my free will. Only after you have incoherently sworn to uphold your duties will the undead horde accept you. Your body is now the property of the zombie movement. As a member, your responsibilities will be modest but important. Should you want to be released from this obligation, you may do so through decapitation. ). The longer you wait, the less flesh for you. If the feeding frenzy becomes overwhelming, we suggest you remove one of the victim’s limbs and creep away.

In the panic of a zombie outbreak, humans often die from accidents, infighting, or other non-zombie-induced scenarios. As a result, you’re likely to encounter unclaimed food in your wanderings. If you do stumble upon a meal just lying around, it may have passed its expiration date. Any lifeless carcass, simmering and swelling in the sun for longer than 12 to 16 hours, has sustained severe cellular damage and has no nutritional value. If the body is bloated, gray in color, stinky, or has a toe tag, it’s a good indicator that it’s been around a while.

During your rampaging haste, you may miss these warning signs. Fortunately, your body will automatically reject rotten meat. During zombification, the z-virus modified your tongue’s taste receptors to detect and reject unproductive flesh. Try sinking your teeth into a bloated stomach—your body will instantly cease craving that particular torso.

If you ignore this warning and continue to chomp down on rotten flesh, you may suffer from absorption blockage. Symptoms may include upset stomach, abnormal vision, and increased projectile vomiting.

Food should always enter your body through your mouth. This is the quickest path to your digestive tract. Some zeds may attempt to stuff human flesh directly into their open body cavities. This is not recommended. Although absorption is still possible, without a path out of the body this flesh becomes dead weight, decreasing your maneuverability.

Of course, even if you are missing a mouth or a stomach, you will still crave food. In this situation, first attempt to insert the flesh down your throat, but if this is impossible, go ahead and jam it into your body.

While most species become sleepy while digestion takes place, the undead become more active during the absorption period, especially after they consume a human brain. This period of increased intensity can last up to 48 hours, while medulla rush capabilities (jumping and running) will last up to 24 hours. Both the surrounding temperature and tissue freshness can influence these times. The ideal temperature for absorption is around 78° F. If you are in a hot climate, we suggest that you wait for the temperature to drop at night before consuming anything.

The z-virus will absorb everything except for hair, teeth, claws (finger- and toenails), and major bones. However, it will extract as much marrow as it can before excreting any waste. Depending on virus strain, complete absorption can take up to 48 hours.

After absorption is complete, your body will discard any waste within 24 hours, ideally through a relaxed sphincter. However, due to overeating or damage to your digestive tract, waste material can sometimes leave the body through gastric blowout. Abdominal ruptures eventually affect two out of three zombies, and 95 percent of boomer types (see “What’s Your Body Type?” page 26). While embarrassing and disgusting, it really has no impact on your day-to-day functions. And yes, spilled waste is infectious for up to two days, depending on climate conditions.

Another complication to look out for is a body clog. When this happens, waste will continually build up in your body. Eventually, you’ll be burdened with hundreds of pounds of unprocessed flesh, affecting your mobility and eventually ending your post-life.

No question, human flesh is essential for a balanced diet, but what happens if the living aren’t available? To avoid malnutrition during famine or post-apocalyptic conditions, turn to the hearty choices the animal kingdom has to offer. Many animals have internal organs similar to humans’. They are often slower and dumber than breathers but will yield more flesh and blood. Most of the multicellular species listed on the Hierarchy Hunting Chart below can provide basic sustenance, though rarely the complete nourishment human flesh provides. The farther up the chart you go, the better off you’ll be.

Larger animals such as livestock and house pets are fabulous human substitutes. Many of these creatures will be abandoned by their owners and weakened by starvation. Our experience shows that while canines can cause some bodily damage, their bites are rarely fatal (unlike ours).