John Austin - So Now You’re a Zombie - A Handbook for the Newly Undead

Depending on z-virus strain and their own biological makeup, some animals can experience zombification. The following creatures are the most susceptible to infection: apes, bears, bulls, cats, chimps, crocodiles, crows, dogs, elephants, gorillas, hippopotamuses, horses, komodo dragons, monkeys, pigs, rhinos, sharks, and wolves. A pretty impressive lineup—so would it be a good idea to invite infected critters into the horde?

The real question is, why risk it? Animals that resemble something out of a Pet Sematary are never a good idea to have around, not even for zombies. Think about it: if infected, an animal with far superior speed and strength would be competing with zeds to consume human flesh, and would likely succeed! In addition, attempting to purposely infect an animal can end in your own disfigurement. Almost all zombified animals are uncontrollable. And some animals, because of their size and power, should be avoided, infected or not (see “Ordering Off the Menu,” page 114).

Only a few undead animal could realistically assist a horde. The most notable is zed’s best friend, the domesticated zombie canine. (Not to be confused with werezombies.) But infected dogs are susceptible to many of the same problems zeds face; they need uninfected flesh to hold back the ravages of decomposition. They also have a shorter life cycle than human brain-eaters, due to the increased physical strain their undead bodies are subjected to.

It’s also surprisingly difficult to deliberately infect even a domesticated animal. If captured, most animals will reject your toxic flesh as food. The zed body certainly doesn’t smell appetizing, and it lacks carbohydrates, fats, and proteins. Starving animals that foolishly consume infectious flesh often die and do not reanimate.

But as with humans, animal are sometimes infected unintentionally. A curious critter that sniffs infected poo-poo or a terminated zed corpse could pick up the strain. (By the same token, if an uninfected human sniffs around an infected animal corpse, he or she could be infected.) Animals can also contract the virus by attacking a zombie—but that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to deliberately provoke an animal in order to infect it!

Change is in the stale air—or is it the absence of that sweet fragrance of flesh? Sprawling streets, once filled with ear-piercing screams and sirens, are now mute, save only for the howl of the wind. Juicy bodies have been replaced with useless rotten carcasses. Ruination is everywhere, with barricades unbreached, a sure sign of death. Either by depletion or evacuation, once-plentiful brainy resources have all but disappeared, and your monthly supply of grub has become murderous to round up.

What’s worse, the once relentless horde is beginning to show signs of fragility. Starving zeds go stiff from extreme decomposition. The z-virus may have mutated, removing the very safeguards that once kept one zombie from attacking another. As the violence grows, snapping and clawing gives way to zed-on-zed murder.

Is this it? Is this the zombie plague we so desperately pursued? Are you feeling like the unwitting pawn in an undead apocalypse?

Well, if you think the end is near, read on.

Yes, you heard us right: never give up! Intoxicating gray matter may be hard to scare up, but it’s out there, waiting to be slurped down. While the human race may seem fragile, history has proven that they show amazing perseverance. No matter how overwhelming the zed siege was, pockets of mortals may survive in hiding, camouflaged, conspiring toward yet another undead onslaught.

To find these hidden breathers, may we suggest a change of scenery? Shamble your horde to new, unfamiliar hunting grounds. Do whatever is necessary to prolong your post-life along the way, including taste-testing nonhuman sources of food (see “Ordering Off the Menu,” page 114). Experiment with all types of creepy-crawly foods, including worms and bugs.

No matter how desperate you are, though, do not resort to zombie cannibalism! Unless you’re doing it for some twisted personal revenge, eating a fellow zed serves absolutely no purpose, and is actually counterproductive. Infected flesh does not nourish the z-virus; it will only weigh down your frame, reducing your mobility. In addition, if you introduce an incompatible virus strain into your body, there could be all types of unpleasant side effects, including virus blisters. These pockets of toxic fluids can reduce your zombie abilities—eyes, ears, nose, and mouth can become clogged with skin boils. So before sampling another zed, search under every rock, leaf, and twig for an edible alternative. And rest assured that your tasty human opposition is out there somewhere, ready to be put back on the menu.

“Well-done apocalyptic is better than well-said apocalyptic.”

As a zombie outbreak winds down, you may find yourself captured by the elusive human resistance. While you probably won’t be happy to find yourself quarantined, it’s better than decapitation any day.

Keep in mind, however, that the breathers didn’t spare your life out of the goodness of their still-beating hearts. They generally capture zombies to engage in experimentation and tingling torture, neither of which should faze you. But another possibility is that they are processing you for disposal, which will faze you—out!

Humans are fully aware that you pose a serious hazard to them. To keep you safely contained, they’ll often resort to shackles and solitary confinement. Imprisoned, away from the horde, what’s a zed to do?

Your first move should be to free yourself from bondage. Use your teeth. Leather, plastic, and rope can all be gnawed through. But if the restraints are made out of a metal alloy, you may need to chew or twist off your appendages. Don’t get carried away—just gnaw the appendages that are restrained. Yes, dismemberment sucks, but at least you’ll be one step (or crawl) closer to freedom.

Use one of your body weapons (see “Use Your Body as a Weapon,” page 81) to overcome your captors. Projectile vomiting is the most effective weapon when confined, but it’s not always possible for all zeds. Continue kicking and screaming until you’ve released your deadly contagion onto one or all of your captors.

If the previous step succeeds, your living guards soon should be feeling the symptoms of the virus. This gives you a few exit options:

You can try to bolt while they are weakened and delusional—however, you may run into obstacles (see “Obstacles You Will Face,” page 59).