John Austin - So Now You’re a Zombie - A Handbook for the Newly Undead

Some fire will knock you on your ass! Military flamethrowers are capable of propelling a burst of flammable liquid over one hundred feet. These backpack models are currently out of service, though many are in the hands of private collectors.

If you do encounter a flamethrower, the flames will likely burn your eyes, detrimentally affecting your vision. And even if the flamethrower misses you, the burst of illumination can still cause temporary blindness. It’s important to maintain your “fire composure.” Once ignited, keep your balance and continue in the direction you last saw your target.

During a battle, you’ll experience all types of homemade fire grenades. The most common is the Molotov cocktail. Made out of a glass bottle filled with flammable fuels and a cloth wick, it explodes into flames on impact.

The Molotov Bypass is the study of a burning missile’s trajectory. While the device is in the air, you estimate its point of impact and shuffle away from the surrounding area.

In truth, this is not a good strategy. You really shouldn’t alter your course of attack. Any human who is capable of hitting you with a bottle is already in eatable distance. Flaming or not, shamble on. Make your junior anarchist reconsider his or her profession.

Advanced though they are, firearms and flame weapons still have their problems. Supplies of ammunition and fuel will run out during an extended zombie uprising, forcing the living to resort to the melee weapons of the past.

Ancient breathers developed the spear around 400,000 years ago. It was very popular and effective against animal targets, but it proved useless against the ancient zombie. So humans developed more sophisticated weapons designed to decapitate the undead, such as the ax and the sword. Eventually, however, they realized that attacking at a distance was the best way to avoid accidental infection. So around 1300 A.D., the brains-at-arms developed the firearm. This new weapon made the battle-ax and sword obsolete. The ax evolved into a tool. The sword’s fate was much grimmer; today it is sold as decorative art on TV shopping networks.

If a desperate human pulls one of these melee weapons out of retirement, you have little to worry about. Most of them are relatively harmless to you, with a low chance of inflicting cranial injury. They are all designed for close combat, which means you’ll be within arm’s reach of your meal before you’re in any danger. Once in close proximity, resort to biting, scratching, and spitting to slow and subdue your target. In the end, all such confrontations will eventually lead to hand-to-mouth combat.

Review the melee weapons in the chart on the next page. If your target is holding onto one of these objects, use the following attack strategies to prevail in the final struggle.

In the Erratic Attack, also known as the Zombie Gait, you move with inconsistent motion toward your attacker, keeping your head slightly tilted. With a lowered head and unpredictable motion, you will decrease your adversary’s targeting accuracy. Flailing your arms can also improve this defensive strategy.

If the target still manages to land a blow to your head but it’s not strong enough to crush your skull or decapitate you, proceed. Always proceed!

It is not impossible to defend against a sword. When you approach within a corpse’s length of your prey, fall headfirst into your target’s knees or thighs. This will greatly disrupt his or her sword-swinging form, making a clean decapitation difficult. Before the human can readjust or execute a second swing, clench and maul his or her leg.

If you forget to execute the Chopping Block maneuver, all is not lost. Most swords are incapable of cutting bones. Even if your flesh is cut, you can survive partial decapitation if the brain stem remains intact.

If you position your arms in front of your face, you will shield your unprotected neck from sharp-edged weapons. The Forearm Shield can result in lost appendages, but it’s a small price to pay to avoid decapitation. Take the hit and proceed.

Expect additional damage to your center of mass or lower extremities, both of which might slow you down. Edged weapons that impale your flesh are likely to stay lodged in your body for extended periods of time. Significant protruding handles and arrows can snag on objects and increase body damage. Shamble with care.

Borrowed from our supernatural siblings the mummies, the Ghoul Reach has been used successfully for thousands of years. By extending your arms in front of your body, you decrease your opponent’s access to your neck or head.

Once your arms are extended, use your hands to claw, scratch, or latch onto your victim. For unknown reasons, the Ghoul Reach tends to increase moaning.

1. Someone just stabbed a knife in my back. I should…

a. Seek medical attention immediately!

b. Get over it, and continue with what I am doing.

c. Fall down to ease the pain.

d. Have a fellow Zed remove it.

2. Someone just set me on fire. What should I do?

a. Retreat back into the zombie mob.

b. Search for water.

c. Continue attacking.

d. Extinguish it with flammable fuel.

3. I’m being shot at, but they can’t hit squat. I should…

a. Use the Zombie Shield technique.

b. Implement the Ghoul Reach.

c. Retreat.

d. Defecate in my pants.

4. He’s holding a katana sword!

a. Do not engage and look for an exit strategy!

b. Play dead.

c. Execute the Chopping Block on that mofo.

d. Look for your own sword or appendage to duel.

5. Melee weapon include…

a. Pickaxes.

b. Metal pipes.

c. Machetes.

d. All the above.

6. I’ve encountered many humans with multiple weapons. I should…

a. Seek reinforcements.

b. Surrender by waving a white cloth.

c. Not be intimidated, and attack.