John Austin - So Now You’re a Zombie - A Handbook for the Newly Undead

When it comes to roof surfing, the bigger the vehicle the better. Delivery vehicles, buses, and semi trucks all have ample room to hang out on top. You can gain access to your ride by crawling up the back or dropping on top from above, but keep quiet so as not to reveal your presence. Continue your journey until you see, smell, or hear a large population of brains. Roll off and go to work.

As the driver stops to raid a convenience store or defecate along the roadside, crawl under the vehicle and find something to hang onto. As soon as the breather is done doing whatever breathers do, he or she will jump back in and drive away. Your body will be subjected to harsh abrasion caused by the road surface, but it’s worth it. Eventually you’ll gain access through a checkpoint. Once inside the safe zone, unleash hell.

Subtlety has never been the zombie’s strong point, so why start now? While you’re certain to be discovered by the next passing motorist, just hang onto the back bumper for as long as you can. You will experience all types of motions that may dislodge your grip, but every mile you make it is one less mile you have to walk. Word of caution: you may lose your shoes.

Trucks, trains, planes, and even ships have cargo bays. Because they are not designed to hold the living, these areas are usually only lightly supervised, perfect for settling right in for the long haul. Position your zed body around or in cargo that will help hide you from the occasional security check until you have arrived. What you do at your final destination is your own damn business, but we suggest terrorizing.

Some vehicles are highly specialized and won’t be used by the common human. Many of these vehicles are heavily built and could be armed with weaponry in support of the human resistance.

Some of our stopping techniques have been found to work on these vehicles, but most efforts will fail. When confronting a tank, armored car, or snow plow, zombie casualties will increase. The good news is, the breathers can’t stay inside forever; eventually these vehicles will need to refuel or replenish supplies, and then we’ve got them.

Carefully review the eye chart on the next page. The vehicle pictured should be approached with extreme caution.

Single-brained vehicles are quick and small, making them difficult to catch. Many of them, including ATVs, dirt bikes, and big, red three-wheelers, are designed to handle all types of terrain. While they are superior in maneuverability, they are zed-vulnerable due to their open-cockpit design. Because the riders are exposed, they can easily be snared by a quick grab or projectile vomiting to the face. Sometimes you don’t even need to touch them—use basic scare tactics to distract riders into losing their balance or control, causing them to crash.

Due to the sizes of these vehicles, hitchhiking is not possible.

Using the hunting strategies in the previous chapters, you’ll be able to successfully track down your brainy target. What next? In order to subdue a living body for feasting, you need another plan of action.

Although only a small percentage of the living are prepared for living-on-undead combat, and most will ultimately fall before the zombie horde, that doesn’t mean a battle can’t be dangerous for you, the individual zombie. Humans possess an intense survival instinct, and when panic boosts their adrenaline, they’re capable of desperate feats of strength that can catch even the hardiest zombie off guard. Being slightly more coordinated than you, humans may wield makeshift weaponry and employ nontraditional fighting strategies—expect them to shoot at you, burn you, and impale you with pointy sticks.

Nevertheless, when most zombies attack a human, they prefer to whale away blindly, disregarding any physical damage their target inflicts on them in return. From past zombie experiences, we’ve realized this probably isn’t the best approach. Since our undead bodies don’t heal from injury, self-preservation is very important.

Yes, the undead instinct is always “Bite first, ask questions later,” but if you aren’t careful, that strategy can lead to your demise. Mastering a few simple self-defense strategies, including “weapons of the body,” will not only surprise the humans but also possibly impress your fellow zeds.

You’ve worked hard to find your prey, so you’d hate to lose it! The most basic attack strategy is holding a victim against his or her will. A properly executed hold will give you the opportunity to employ the other nasty strategies found in this chapter. Briefly study this illustration of the four most effective holds: the Hair Hold, the Bite Hold, the Arm Hold, and the Leg Hold.

Your body is bursting with all types of bloodthirsty weaponry that can be used against the living. And remember: your flesh and blood are highly infectious. Once your victim is infected with the z-virus, he or she will begin to experience all types of nasty symptoms, weakening resistance and making it easier for you to gorge out. You can increase the likelihood of viral transference by biting, scratching, spitting, bleeding, and/or vomiting on your target.

The following diagram illustrates the deadliest weapons in your personal arsenal.

Your bite is mightier than your moan! Using your teeth, bite down on your victim’s flesh, hard enough to tear through the skin. This will cause direct fluid-to-fluid contact. If you are a severely decomposed zombie, you may have experienced tooth loss. Your rotten gums may not break the skin’s surface, making your mouth a less effective weapon.

Heaving toxic fluid from your stomach allows the possibility of attack at a distance. It can weaken your victim through infection, disorientation, or disgust, and can also cause temporary blindness. One out of four zombies is capable of projectile vomiting to a distance of six to seven feet.