John Austin - So Now You’re a Zombie - A Handbook for the Newly Undead

The Zedcoy maneuver is designed to distract the living while a hidden zombie party executes a surprise attack. The decoy zombie captures the attention of your target by screaming, vomiting, charging, or throwing something. While the zedcoy begins absorbing shots, a second group attacks from behind.

This strategy may sound simple, but with all our random moaning and clumsiness, it’s unlikely that the second group will be able to approach the victim in complete silence. The louder and more threatening the zedcoy, the better. A fast zedcoy also increases the chances of success, as it reduces the shooter’s opportunity for successful head shots.

Attacking from every direction simultaneously will overwhelm your victim with potential targets while reducing his or her maneuverability. Tactically, it sounds ideal, but with the human firing at random zeds, it could quickly turn into an unfriendly game of Russian Roulette. Ensure that the shooter is a poor shot before proceeding.

This tactic has also been given the name Snack Attack, because with so many zombies, each attacker’s portion of human flesh will be small (see “The Zombie Code,” page 143 THE ZOMBIE CODE In the early part of the first century A.D., the zombie movement was plagued with setbacks. Operating without guidelines or responsibilities, our predecessors’ mismanaged terror campaign only led to the demise of a number of zombie hordes. Eventually, they decided to draw up a simple Undead Agreement, known today as the Zombie Code. This code outlines general rules of behavior for the undead. Unfortunately, many new recruits are unaware of this document. We provide it here as a public service. I. A zombie shall hunt, fight, and feed on the living. II. All zombies shall have equal title to fresh provisions, even if they do not take part in the capture or kill. III. A zombie shall engage in battle with any humans it encounters, whatever the odds. Those who do not are guilty of cowardice, which is punishable by decapitation. IV. A zombie on fire shall always run directly toward humans, avoiding all other undead. V. No zombie shall intentionally take a blow to protect another zombie; this show of emotion will lead to decapitation. VI. A zombie shall not sleep or rest under any circumstances. VII. A zombie that loses a limb during an engagement shall be given half a brain in compensation. VIII. No zombie shall speak or attempt to speak any coherent words. If a zombie does, its blue tongue will be removed. IX. All zombies shall have the right to engage in zed-on-zed violence. X. A zombie shall work toward the complete destruction of the living, helping to transform the living landscape into the kingdom of the undead. XI. A zombie shall never follow the laws of man, punishable by decapitation. After reviewing these articles, you must now swear to them by moaning a garbled affirmation to the following oath: I solemnly swear that I will uphold and defend the Zombie Code against all enemies, living and robotic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the zombie apocalypse; that I will perform all duties cursed upon me as a warrior of the undead. I take this obligation against my free will. Only after you have incoherently sworn to uphold your duties will the undead horde accept you. Your body is now the property of the zombie movement. As a member, your responsibilities will be modest but important. Should you want to be released from this obligation, you may do so through decapitation. ). Everyone will have their dirty little fingers in your dirty little human pie.

Zombies away! An Aerial Fall will be completely unexpected by any mortal playing cowboy in the streets beneath a high-rise. In order to gain the tactical advantage of height, you will first have to master the obstacle of stairs (see “Obstacles You Will Face,” page 59). Climb up a story or two (any higher and you risk a fatal fall), and wait until your victim is directly below you. Then quietly plummet to the ground and squash your prey.

The impact should severely injure your target, or at least disorient him. After that, inject your teeth into your landing cushion.

When humans play with fire, be prepared to be burned!

Fire has always captured the attention of zeds on the prowl. We are mentally incapable of starting a fire of any kind (on purpose), so fire is usually associated with the presence of the living, who use it for cooking, heating, and illumination. Once humans get a fire burning, flickering flames or plumes of smoke can easily be spotted at great distances. Even if our vision is hampered by blocked sightlines or facial damage, our zombie noses can still smell the smoke. Once alerted, we can rarely resist advancing in the direction of the fire.

Our infatuation can be problematic, though, as humans have been known to use fire as a weapon. True, flames can’t cause us pain, but does this mean that they have no effect on us? Sorry to say, but recorded attacks have proven they do; your brain can very easily be cooked. A dried-up, severely decomposed zed can be incinerated in just a few minutes, while a fresh zombie can last nearly half an hour before being reduced to ashes. But even if you outlast the flames, body parts that have been damaged stay damaged. What’s more, smoke is rarely a successful medium for spreading the z-virus.

Most humans will conserve flammable fuels during an outbreak, but they might spare some to incinerate a zombie when necessary. Commit the arson tools shown below to memory. If you observe one of them in the hands of a human, put into action one of the following fire strategies. Some of these strategies can also be used against corrosive acids.

Most zombies are completely incapable of recognizing the smell of gasoline or other volatile fuels (diesel oil, kerosene, etc.), and the resistance knows it, those pyrohuman bastards! They have adopted two successful tactics to exploit this weakness. The first and more common is to pour a pool of flammable liquid on the ground, lure us into it, and set it ablaze from a distance. The second, generally used as a last-ditch option, is simply to throw the liquid at us and ignite us. If either of these things happens, you should keep moving toward your target. That’s why this tactic is known as the Drench March.

Yes, your clothing will quickly catch fire and melt to your skin. But keep in mind that the only thing more lethal than you is you on fire! If you’re blazing, don’t hesitate—attack! You could very well spread the fire, hampering the defenses of the living. One of the best-recorded zombie fire attacks caused the Great Chicago Fire of 1871. Eventually the inferno destroyed four square miles of breather territory. Humans blamed the blaze on Mrs. O’Leary’s cow—how utterly ridiculous.