John Austin - So Now You’re a Zombie - A Handbook for the Newly Undead

From what we know, they all rely on fuel, which limits their range.

They are mechanically complicated—just look at them—and often break down unexpectedly. Better still, the average human does not know how to repair them.

Most require a key to operate, and when humans panic, they are highly likely to flee to a car without bringing the key with them.

They are very noisy. Zombies can hear their engines and mufflers from miles away.

How many zombies does it take to stop a car? In truth, only one! Humans won’t stop their cars for a minor obstruction in the roadway—just ask any squirrel—and they certainly won’t stop for a crossing zombie. But if you stumble in front of a vehicle at the right moment, you can easily cause a wreck.

At what price, though? Your body could sustain cranial damage in the process, impairing your ability to feed. The whole point of stopping a car is to feast on the humans inside, so keep your eye on the prize and avoid being the appointed crash test dummy. Here are several better methods for stopping a vehicle.

In this strategy, you penetrate the driver’s side windshield and obstruct the operator’s view of the road. Statistically speaking, it’s best accomplished around dusk for lowest human visibility. Choose a narrow street (rural or urban) to increase accuracy and the element of surprise. Patiently wait off to the side, or behind a number of obstacles abandoned on the road. Then, when you hear an approaching vehicle, stumble out directly in its path. Though most zombies are incapable of actually jumping, the impact will propel your body like a speeding missile, embedding your head and torso into the windshield. This will cause the driver to panic, causing a wreck or, at the very least, emergency braking.

This method is still extremely hazardous: three out of five zombies experience cranial trauma during the Jump. Reread the last sentence so you know what you’re getting into.

During a serious zombie outbreak, human defenders will need ammunition, food, and other supplies on the front lines, so supply lines will be critical. Set up a temporary roadblock by using a large mob of the undead. This barricade will be both intimidating and fatal to anyone who dares to ram it.

With hundreds of infectious jaws and flailing appendages, your numbers will quickly overpower most automobiles, giving you access to the supply of brains inside. But the Body Bag Roadblock does come with a price: collateral damage is unavoidable. Position yourself toward the rear of the unruly mob.

What is it about someone in uniform that captures everyone’s attention? If you’re lucky, your horde will include a few zombified emergency personnel, still sporting their official ensembles. We have found that human drivers will stop for assistance if they spot a uniformed official on a road standing by the appropriate vehicle—an abandoned one shouldn’t be too hard to find.

Of course, motorists will eventually realize that the officer is a zombie and quickly speed away. However, if the driver stops the vehicle first, or even just reduces speed, it provides an opportunity for an assault by the uniformed zed or a zed party waiting in the shadows.

Do Good Samaritans exist during a zombie outbreak? Probably not, but we will continue to test that theory.

For this tactic to work, a well-dressed, fresh zed should position its body facedown on the side of the road. All rotten flesh should be concealed, as faded green skin is an obvious sign that you are undead. Eventually, a vehicle racing out of infected territory will approach. The “victim” should move slightly to indicate that he or she is still “alive.” If the driver does step out to investigate, attack! However, it is very possible that a fleeing survivor will see through the ruse and take the opportunity to run you over, so don’t lie in the middle of the road.

What have we told you about chasing cars? Nothing yet—but chasing cars can actually help you secure your prey! You and your horde can distract the driver enough to cause a wreck worthy of Hollywood. Road obstacles and curvy roads increase the chances of causing a successful accident.

Depending on the speed of the vehicle, your reanimated muscles might eventually tear to the point of affecting your mobility, so don’t overexert yourself. In addition, watch out for random shots being fired from the vehicles (see “Avoiding the Bullet,” page 84).

Werezombies—undead werewolves—excel at car chasing. They have been known to exceed 55 MPH before incurring severe muscle damage.

Hey, it actually worked—you stopped a vehicle! Now you need to extract your victims. Penetrating the outer defenses of a common civilian vehicle can be done quite easily. The following illustration and instructions provide a few quick tips on how to get access to a car’s soft insides.

1. Windshield Head Bang.Depending on how you stopped the vehicle, you might already be stuck through the windshield. Chomp your jaws and watch the mass exodus. Then free yourself and go after them!

2. Window Pull.Smash out a side window if possible. Grab onto your victim and yank him or her out through the broken glass—the smell of blood will drive you crazy (see “Holding Techniques,” page 80).

3. Roof Punch.Is the car a soft-top convertible? Soft tops are made out of vinyl or canvas and can easily be scratched or bitten through.

4. Back Window.Frequently smashed in the wreck or shot out with bullets, the back window provides the perfect access to the backseat. Once inside, go for their necks.

5. Rip the Damn Doors Off.One of the car’s doors could be damaged from the wreck. Give it a jerk. You can usually terrify the living by ripping doors off anything.

Need to go somewhere? Hunting for brains with limited success can take its toll. As breathers are disposed of, brain resources will be depleted and probably won’t be replaced. It’s time for a change of scenery. Hitching a ride on an unsuspecting vehicle might be your meal ticket to new hunting grounds.

During an outbreak, most vehicles will be racing toward refugee camps and other uncontaminated areas, all full of fresh meat. With a little luck, you might snag a one-way ticket to one of these promised lands, with fresh brains as far as the zed can see. Turn the page for a few zombie hitchhiking tips.