John Austin - So Now You’re a Zombie - A Handbook for the Newly Undead

Q: Do controlled substances affect me?

A:Most drugs, poisons, and gases have no effect on you, though under rare circumstances, intoxicated humans can cause disorientation (see “Intoxicated Humans,” page 11). You should avoid acid, which can quickly dissolve the flesh it contacts, though acid damage is generally highly localized.

Q: Did the z-virus heal my human impairments?

A:Possibly, depending on the damage. The virus will not regenerate missing body parts, but it does form new intercellular connections to reanimate your undead corpse. On rare occasions these connections will reactivate previously nonfunctional organs, curing blindness, deafness, or other infirmities left over from your human years.

Who is your enemy?

Simply put, your enemy is a warm body containing an uninfected human brain. The world is filled with more than 6 billion of them—that’s an astounding 135 million tons of gray matter, or 10.3 million fully loaded dump trucks! Unfortunately, humans refuse to simply load their brains into dump trucks for us to consume. Instead, even in the midst of a full-blown zombie outbreak, the breathers’ inquiring minds will continue to focus on their own selfish needs. In order to hunt them successfully, you’ll need to understand what those needs are and how they influence the behavior of your prey.

Breathers are quite capable of pigging out, just like you. A zed once witnessed a single human downing 80 chicken nuggets in five minutes. And while this is abnormal, a healthy mortal will need to digest roughly 2,500 calories of food a day—about 40 chicken nuggets—to maintain their fragile biological processes. That’s approximately 1.2 pounds of chow, about one-third the weight of an average adult human brain. Along with fast food, they also need water, shelter, and alcohol. These are the bare essentials a human requires to live long and prosper.

But then some old guy named Maslow made a real mess of things by beefing up this list with a few “emotional” needs. They include a sense of belonging, self-esteem, and self-actualization, whatever the hell that is. And while friendship and respect are not essential for our survival, according to Maslow they are a must for humanity.

This baffling array of needs will eventually affect the sanity of all last-ditch defenders of the living. As they yearn for respect, friendship, or sexual intimacy—our money is on intimacy—they will neglect their more basic needs and their personal safety. By understanding this tendency, we can exploit humans’ weaknesses. The following insights expose how vulnerable the living truly are, not knowing that at any moment their civilization hangs by a vein.

Hierarchy of Needs Maslow’s pansy ass hierarchy of needs, with the more basic needs at the bottom.

During past crises, both natural and zombie-made, humans have made costly miscalculations or become disoriented to the point of uselessness. The next zombie plague will be no different. Both physical and emotional needs will hamper their decision making and increase your feeding opportunities. What follows are some major mistakes your prey will likely make.

Most humans approach the likelihood of a zed epidemic the same way they approach the possibility of a huge asteroid hitting the earth: they assume it just isn’t going to happen. Tell that to what became the Gulf of Mexico 60 million years ago! Even after reports of the walking dead start coming in, some humans will assume it’s a media hoax, not unlike the alien attack panic caused by Orson Welles in 1938. (Aliens? Yeah, right!)

This skepticism has crippled their preparedness. As we’ve moaned before, humans need an ample amount of provisions to survive. They are very capable of this task; their homes are stockpiled with enough pornography to outlast an outbreak, but they can’t eat porn. In a single year, a human will need about 430 pounds of food and 170 pounds of water … or 91 cases of beer. Except for screwball survivalists, how many humans do you think actually have this much stockpiled today? The answer is very few. No wonder humans cut and run once the party runs out of chips and salsa.

Crawling out of their protective shelters, humans will be drawn to places such as Super Food City and Doug’s Donut World to find anything edible. Desperation can also lead to violence among remaining survivors; they might attack each other over Twinkies and Spam. These scenarios can produce wounded or hungry humans, slow-moving zombie food that you can quickly gobble up.

However, do not assume that all mortals will be unprepared for a zombie uprising. Zed groupies and other secret “zombie awareness” groups are ready. However, none of these brainy bands have amassed numbers large enough to hinder a ziege.

“Bless you!” is just a polite way to say, “Thanks for the z-virus!” Most breathers are sneezers who do not take necessary precautions during a viral outbreak. Mouths, noses, eyes, and wounds should all be covered, but they won’t be. Their careless behavior is our opportunity to recruit new members to our undead team (see “Infecting,” page 117).

Humans who are already infected but who have not yet succumbed to death and reanimation will further our causes by continuing to interact with the general public. Some will use public transportation as they search for a cure or try to find family. While it’s pure carelessness on the part of the breathers, we welcome their assistance.

According to our undead sources, the human race hasn’t yet cloned Chuck Norris. (Phew!) Even luckier for us, only a small percentage of the living have even been trained to be mercenaries. Yes, weapon possession is high, but they mostly consist of cutlery knives and nontraceable handguns—“miniweapons,” you might say. Scrambling for protection, humans might use anything, from clubbed weapons to simple wooden boards.

Unless they land a lucky blow to your head, most of these weapons will have no effect on your pain-impervious body. What’s more, such weapons require the attacker to be in close proximity, making them easy targets for vomit (see “Projectile Vomiting,” page 82). And many improvised weapons cause extensive blood splatter, increasing the risk of infection.

Even gun-toting humans are a manageable threat, as most of them have terrible aim. And as battles rage on, there will be an ammunition shortage; bullets will run out quickly. If you stay to the rear of an attacking horde, you can reduce the risk of a fatal head shot (see “Avoiding the Bullet,” page 84).

Human obesity levels are grossly underestimated; the majority of humans are not built for combat. These “biggest losers” have two options: fight or flee. Most jelly bellies choose to avoid pudgy-hand-to-zombie-hand combat, and flee. They can exhibit impressive feats of speed on their oversized legs, but eventually the Big Macs take their toll, causing fatigue and excruciating sideaches.