Matthew Del Negro - 10,000 NOs

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Cover Image: © Corey Nickols

Deirdre, for standing by when the “no”s felt heaviest

Donovan and Bronwyn, may you never let the critic count

Everyone else, for helping and encouraging me to keep going

I had coffee recently with a very successful documentary filmmaker friend. The feature documentary he made a few years ago won the Sundance Film Festival documentary competition and sold for a lot of money. The next one he made was also quite lucrative, which is no easy feat for a documentary film. His most recent film, however, did not immediately find worldwide distribution the way the others had, so he reached out to me to share the news and talk through his frustrated feelings on the matter. When I realized the intent of his coffee meeting request I said, “Wow, I guess I really am a Rejection Expert, huh?” He laughed before explaining that he hadn't called me because of my own punishing track record. It was just that his very supportive wife, who is not in our industry, did not have the comparable experience of seeing two years of work deflate in front of her eyes due to the changing tides of opinion. And his fellow documentary filmmaker friends were somewhat in competition with him, so they might not completely commiserate. It was at this point that I fully realized the need for this book.

This book will change you as much as you let it. It will not “solve” your life or tell you how to turn every “no” into a “yes.” But it will crack open more questions and deepen your quest for success if you allow it. It does not contain magic, just truth. It sheds light on many of the principles so many of us have pondered for years: perseverance, performance, work ethic, risk, belief, hope, faith. I focus the chapters in this book on these principles as well as on getting started, instinct, discipline and training, reframing, surrender, transformation, leadership, meditation and relaxation, the subconscious, being a good person, and facade versus reality. Some topics and chapters overlap as they are interrelated, and all present real-world perspectives. You can devour it in one sitting, as an actor's entertaining albeit sometimes cringe-worthy memoir, or jump around willy-nilly when inspiration and curiosity beckon you, using it more like a self-development manifesto. Either way, I hope that it will make you laugh, inspire you, and encourage you to take one more step toward whatever it is that brings fulfillment for you and makes your life feel well spent.

Author Malcolm Gladwell proposed that people only become experts in a field after they've dedicated themselves to it for 10,000 hours. I agree with him. But I've also pondered the ability and practice of withstanding the word “no.” What defines my career, or anyone's for that matter, is the way I have chosen to react to constant rejection, perceived failures, and “lucky breaks” that have fallen apart due to forces outside of my control. That type of reaction, both when it was admirable and when it was embarrassingly petty, is what most people would call attitude, outlook, or perspective. For all of us, our ability to persevere is derived from a combination of innate instincts embedded deep in our DNA and lessons from the major influences and influenc ers in our lives, including our parents, teachers, coaches, bosses, friends, siblings and so many others. It is our choice to seek out others who strengthen our resilience, as well as situations that test it, or to gravitate toward smaller-minded people who wish to keep us where they are or where they think we should be rather than encouraging our growth and challenging their own self-imposed limits.

In July 2017, after racking up over two decades' worth of rejections, I launched a podcast, 10,000 NOs , in an attempt to find out how men and women in every field imaginable, facing seemingly insurmountable obstacles, overcame their “no”s. What followed in the next three years has become the education of my life. This book contains quotes from some of my podcast guests that so perfectly reinforce the principles I have learned mostly through trial and error. Some of those guests are famous, some are not; two has died since our conversation and most are thriving. But the common thread is that each and every one of them is as flawed and as full of contradictions, pain, sadness, worry, joy, laughter, sorrow, and victory as the rest of us. They are human. They do not possess “the answers” nor were they born on the Island of “Yes.” All of them have stumbled upon the same tough truths by grappling with, battling, and overcoming a mountain of “no”s. It's not just a matter of learning from the tough times we experience, but what we learn, why it's important to learn from it, when we learn it—from hours to years after—and how we use those lessons to persevere.

No matter who you are, or where you are in your career, you will have setbacks. You will be in need of counsel from friends and other supporters. And no book or piece of advice will make your pain go away immediately. There is no magic pill. But knowing that others have suffered in ways similar to you and somehow made it through is enough to help you pick up the pieces, reflect on them, and move on. Ironically, when I sat down with my documentary filmmaker friend I was feeling particularly terrible and self-judgmental about this book. That was when he told me about the Five Stages of Creativity, which somehow, I had never heard before:

Stage 1 - I'm really excited about this.

Stage 2 - This isn't as good as I thought it was.

Stage 3 - This is terrible.

Stage 4 - This is actually better than I realized.

Stage 5 - I'm really excited about this.

If everything were easy all the time, you would not value that ease. If “yes” were the answer to your every wish and demand, every victory and windfall would be meaningless. You think you want comfort, but what you really need is progress . Progress only arrives when a struggle is overcome. So, while I wish I could send you off into the world telling all your friends that this book solved everything for you, I know that would be unrealistic. Instead, I send you off into the world urging you to lean into your 10,000 “no”s. I urge you to really feel their pain and let that pain guide you past the “no” to greener pastures. I urge you to learn from them what not to do the next time, so you can turn those “no”s into a “yes.” I urge you to be grateful for them, for in them lies the wisdom of humanity and experience. There is no greater teacher than that which reminds you that your salvation lies in always striving, until your last dying breath.