Sharon Perkins - Dad's Guide to Pregnancy For Dummies

Boobs are generally the issue at the forefront of this myth. No, you can’t breast-feed your child or know what it’s like to give birth. Because a lot of fathers don’t have that initial connection, they wonder what exactly they’re supposed to do.

Mother and baby are attached to each other for nine months, but after baby arrives, it’s open season on bonding and caretaking. When your partner isn’t breast-feeding, hold, rock, and engage in skin-to-skin contact with your baby whenever possible. Changing diapers, bathing, and changing clothes are just a few of the activities you can do to get involved. And the more involved you get, the less likely you are to feel left out of the equation. Chapter 11provides tips for caring for your new baby so you can feel confident in your abilities.

Good things come to those who wait, and you’ll have to wait. Sex won’t happen for at least six to eight weeks following delivery, and even then you have a long road back to normalcy. For many couples, a normal sex life after childbirth isn’t as active as it once was, but you can work with your partner to make sure both of your needs are being met.

One need that will deter your sex life — and override the sex need — is sleep. Babies don’t sleep through the night. They wake up hungry and demand an alert parent to feed them, burp them, and soothe them back to sleep. Some babies begin sleeping through the night at six months; other kids don’t until the age of 3. The good news is that they all do it eventually, and when you begin to understand your baby’s patterns, you’ll be able to figure out a routine that allows you to maximize the shut-eye you get every day.

Unless work is the only obligation you’ve ever had in your adult life, you’re probably used to juggling more than one thing. Fathers who are active in the community or fill their schedules with copious hours of hobbies have to reevaluate their priorities. Family comes first, work comes second, and with the support of a loving partner and a few good babysitters, you can continue on your career trajectory as planned.

In fact, being a dad may just make you a more effective worker. Having so many demands on your time can make you better at time management and maximizing your workday. Focus on work at work and home at home and you’ll succeed in both arenas.

Destiny is really just a code word for the tendency many men have to mimic their father’s behaviors, good or bad. If you didn’t like an aspect of your father’s parenting or don’t want to repeat a major mistake that he perpetrated, talk about it with your partner. The more you talk about it, the less likely you are to repeat that mistake because you’ll engage your partner as a support system working with you to help you avoid it.

At the same time, don’t forget to replicate and celebrate the things your father did right. You’ll be chilled to the bone the first time you say something that your father used to say, but remember that repeating the good actions isn’t a bad thing. Don’t try to be different from your father “just because.” Identify what he did that was right and what was wrong and use that as a blueprint for your parenting style.

Babies aren’t always so beautiful right after being born, but that’s to be expected, given what they’ve just gone through to enter the world. Don’t feel guilty if you look at your baby and aren’t immediately enamored with her (them). Emotions are difficult to control, and for some fathers — and even mothers — falling head over heels for your baby may take some time.

Childbirth is a long, intense experience (as we describe in Chapter 10), so allow yourself adequate time to rest and get to know the new addition to your family. If you suffer from feelings of regret or extreme sadness, or if you experience thoughts of harming yourself or the baby, seek immediate medical assistance.

Dads today are involved in every aspect of a child’s life. They’re no longer relegated to teaching sports, roughhousing, and serving as disciplinarians. Modern fatherhood is all about using your strengths, talents, and interests to shape your relationship and interactions with your child.

Modern dads change diapers, feed the baby, wake up in the middle of the night to care for a crying child, and take baby for a run. They don’t “baby-sit” their children; they’re capable parents, and no job falls outside the realm of their capabilities. Though all that involvement does mean you’ll put in far more effort and time than previous generations, it also means that you’re bridging the gap of emotional distance that used to be so prevalent in the father-child experience.

The sections that follow (and the chapters in Part 4) offer information and advice on making changes and stepping into the practical role of daddy.

If what you fear most is losing the freedom to spend as much time as you want engaging in leisure activities, then you’re in for some life-altering sacrifices. Babies require you to say no to a lot of commitments that the prebaby you would have been eager to engage in. Don’t make a lot of outside-the-home plans that you consider optional, at least at first.

For the first six months, going out at night is challenging, especially if your partner is breast-feeding and/or you don’t live near family. However, as your baby ages, leaving him with a babysitter becomes more feasible and less stressful.

Perhaps what you fear the most is the impact baby will have on your relationship with your partner. This fear is valid, given that you’ll scarcely find time for the two of you to be alone. But that doesn’t mean you won’t have time to connect.

Just because going out as a couple is tough to manage doesn’t mean you can’t have ample one-on-one time. Plan stay-in dates that start at baby’s bedtime. Order food or make an elegant dinner, queue up a movie, or play your favorite board game. Try not to talk about baby. Rather, focus on each other and talk about topics that interest you both.

Depending on the requirements of your job, your daily routine may go completely unchanged aside from the uptick in yawns due to late-night feedings and fussiness. Thoughts of your new family may make focusing difficult, especially when you first return to work following any paternity leave or vacation time you take. It won’t be long, though, before you settle back into a normal routine, and work just may become the one arena of your life that provides a respite from parenting duties.

Workaholics, however, find themselves at a crossroads. Some choose to cut back on hours spent at the office, whereas others, hopefully with the full support of their partners, proceed with business as usual. There’s no right or wrong way to balance a demanding job with a new baby as long as you and your partner are comfortable with the arrangement and you spend enough quality time with your child.