Akash Karia: Small Talk Hacks: The People Skills & Communication Skills You Need to Talk to Anyone and be Instantly Likeable

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “we are both in this room feeling...”

26. Complete this sentence “I wish I had someone with whom I could share...”

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them: be honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Now, just as important as asking personal questions and sharing personal stories is how you react to the other person’s disclosure; In fact, “There’s some wonderful work by Harry Reis and his colleagues on self-disclosure showing it’s not how much is disclosed but how you respond to the other person’s self-disclosure. You want to be very responsive to hear what they’re saying, to show that you understand it, to show that you value what they’re saying and appreciate it.” – via Bakadesuyo

AGREE TO DISAGREE

You’re not always going to agree with other people. Avoid the temptation to agree simply to create a connection. As your relationship progresses it will be more difficult to maintain a false opinion.

Instead, be willing to disagree but do so gently. Share your opinions but also accept the opinions of others. Many people enjoy lively discussions with differing views. This creates connection rather than opposition when you handle every topic with respect.

Don’t make it personal when someone disagrees with your opinion. Instead, look at it as an opportunity to get a new perspective – even if you don’t agree with it.

Practice this principle with your current relationships. Introduce hot-button topics, then work to listen to another’s opinion and share yours without becoming personal or negative. The more you do this, the easier it will get for you. Once you feel comfortable agreeing to disagree with your established friends you can begin doing so with new acquaintances.

In fact, research conducted by Dan Ariely revealed that controversial, hot-button topics actually make for more interesting conversations than bland, boring ones:

“Our daters had to choose questions from the list to ask another dater, and could not ask anything else. They were forced to risk it by posing questions that are considered outside of generally accepted bounds. And their partners responded, creating much livelier conversations than we had seen when daters came up with their own questions. Instead of talking about the World Cup or their favorite desserts, they shared their innermost fears or told the story of losing their virginity. Everyone, both sender and replier, was happier with the interaction.

And what can you do personally with this idea? Think about what you can do to make sure that your discussions are not the boring but not risky type. Maybe set the rules of discussion upfront and get your partner to agree that tonight you will only ask questions and talk about things you are truly interested in. Maybe you can agree to ask 5 difficult questions first, instead of wasting time talking about your favorite colors. Or maybe we can create a list of topics that are not allowed. By forcing people to step out of their comfort zone, risk tipping the relationship equilibria, we might ultimately gain more.”

As the research shows, don’t be frightened of talking about controversial topics.

LET FRIENDSHIP FLOW NATURALLY

Are there any friends in your current circle who were difficult to get to know? Chances are you know someone who was very guarded and took more time to open up to you. It’s important that you respect the boundaries that others set.

Avoid being pushy or overbearing. Ultimately you want people to naturally open up to you rather than you having to pry them open with force. By practicing the principles in this chapter you’ll find that most people will eventually warm up to you.

Be patient, but also be persistent. It can be tempting to give up on a relationship that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. But with patience even the toughest people can become powerful allies.

Chapter 7

KEEP YOUR CONVERSATION ALIVE

We’ve all had conversations that seemed to start off great but were followed by the dreaded awkward silence. What you do in that moment can make or break your conversation.

DON’T BE TOO AFRAID OF SILENCE

Sometimes it’s okay to have silence in your conversations. The best of friends can actually enjoy time together without having to fill every moment with words. Sometimes a conversation can have silence that isn’t awkward at all.

Silence can signal that one person in the conversation is really thinking about a topic before speaking on it. But there are times when silence goes on too long and begins to feel awkward.

Both people in the conversation might be trying to think of what to say next or even how to get away from the person to whom they’re talking. If you are feeling strange or awkward, chances are the other person is feeling it too.

SAVING A DYING CONVERSATION

When a dreaded lull comes to your conversation, you can do several things to save it and bring it back to life. Read on for a few easy tips to steer things back to the right direction.

Go Back to the Beginning

Remember the skills it took to strike up a conversation in the first place? Those same skills can help revive a discussion. Choose a new subject or comment on something that will give you something else to talk about.

Tackle Transition Topics

There are many transition topics that can give you something to talk about and breathe fresh air into your discussion. Some examples include:

Hobbies:Look for hobbies that you have in common or that are just interesting to discuss. This could be reading great books, playing sports, doing creative arts, or going on outdoor adventures.

On that note, it helps to be someone who has a few interesting hobbies. If you spend all of your time working, you may come across as a bit dull. Take some time to develop an interest or two outside of your profession if you haven’t already done so.