Akash Karia: Small Talk Hacks: The People Skills & Communication Skills You Need to Talk to Anyone and be Instantly Likeable

When you’re working to improve your nonverbal listening skills, it helps to think of someone with whom you really enjoy talking. The next time you talk to them pay attention to the nonverbal cues that they use in conversation.

Do they make frequent eye contact? Do they smile and nod when you’re making an excellent point? In your own conversations you can mimic these skills and make them your own over time.

TECHNIQUE #2: REFLECTION AND RESTATEMENT

When someone really hears what you’ve said, they’re able to rephrase it and reflect it back to you. This doesn’t mean that they repeat what you’ve said verbatim, but that they can tell you the essence of what you’ve said.

Doing this in conversations shows that you’re really listening. This technique is particularly helpful when talking to someone who is unhappy with you or just unhappy in general. Many people are upset when they feel they aren’t heard.

By using this technique you can show that you hear and understand what the other person is saying to you. That alone can help diffuse difficult situations. What most people really want is to be heard and understood. In other words, they want to feel they matter.

This is a technique that is simple, but it requires practice in order to feel comfortable. The more you do it, the easier it will become.

Try This:

Ask a friend, colleague, or family member to help you practice your active listening skills. Have them tell you a story and then rephrase it and reflect it back to them.

Practice this type of conversation over and over again until it feels natural for you. Ask your conversation partner to critique how well you do or where you can use improvement.

TECHNIQUE #3: ASK QUESTIONS

When you’re really interested in a subject and you’re talking to an expert, what do you do to get more information? Do you just listen and stop the conversation when the expert is finished speaking? Or do you ask questions and delve deeper into the meat of the subject?

Asking questions is a great way to show your interest in any conversation partner. It shows that you are not only listening intently, but that you want to keep the conversation going and get more information.

This not only helps someone to feel more valued, but it can also really help you to know a person better. It also helps to be genuinely interested in what others have to say – so ask questions only if you’re prepared to really listen to the answers.

You don’t have to be an expert on any subject in order to ask questions that will provide more details. Here are a few that work well:

Could you please tell me more about that?

What did you do next?

What do you think the outcome will be?

How did that make you feel?

What are the next steps?

What do you wish had gone differently?

What is your opinion of the situation?

These questions can be applied to many different situations and conversations. Have a few of them in the back of your mind to pull out when you need to keep the conversation going.

Try This:

Practice asking questions with a conversation partner. Use some of the questions above and develop some of your own. It’s important that the questions you ask feel natural and fit into your typical way of speaking.

The next time you find yourself in a conversation, try to add at least one question into the conversation and take note of the results.

TECHNIQUE #4: AVOID DISTRACTIONS

We’ve all experienced it – for example, you’re speaking with a man about something that is important to you and notice that he is looking at his watch, messing with papers on his desk, or even checking emails and text messages. You become deflated realizing that he’s not listening and doesn’t care at all about what you’re saying.

It feels pretty frustrating to be speaking to someone who is completely distracted. Even when someone is interested in you, distractions can make you feel insignificant. As you work to improve your conversation skills it’s important to work on minimizing distractions.

Make it a point to avoid activities such as looking at your phone, checking your watch, and fiddling with papers when you’re engaged in conversation. If you set up a meeting with another person, do everything you can to put distractions away and focus on the conversation.

If you’re in an impromptu conversation and have important calls and messages coming in (to which you can’t wait till later to respond) you can always say, “I’m so sorry I’m not able to really focus on what you’re saying right now. But I really do want to hear more. Can we meet up again in a few minutes?”

This allows you to take care of business while showing the other person that you’re really interested in what he or she has to say. It’s better to postpone a few minutes to improve the quality of your conversation.

Try This:

Begin paying more attention to the things you’re doing during a conversation. If you notice that you’re tempted to pick up your phone, place it in a drawer or pocket so that it’s not in your hand or right in front of you during a conversation.

If you have a tendency to keep an eye on your computer screen for emails, close your laptop or turn off your monitor during important conversations. Look at the specific distractions that you face and work toward a plan on those specific issues.

TECHNIQUE #5: DON’T INTERRUPT

When you’re trying to get a point across and get constant interruptions it can be very frustrating. Likewise you need to remember to be a courteous listener and minimize your own interruptions.

You may not realize how often you interrupt others because it can become such a habit – and it’s very common. Instead of interrupting, focus on keeping your mouth closed and your ears open.

When there’s a natural pause in a conversation, you can add your two cents. But until then work on speaking less than you listen.

Try This:

Spend a day focusing on your own listening habits. How often do you find yourself interrupting? Being aware of your weaknesses is the first step towards eliminating them.

TECHNIQUE #6: EMBRACE A PAUSE

It’s a pretty natural tendency to try to prepare a response while another person is talking. And while that allows you to quickly get your point across, those thoughts take away from your ability to listen.

A better approach is to listen without worrying about what you will say. Then when you’re expected to speak and respond, take a moment to pause. This is the time for you to consider what you’ll say next.

We live in a fast-paced world and it may feel a little strange to stop and take a moment to collect your thoughts. But it shows that you’re a careful listener and that you are intentional about the way you speak.

Try This:

The more you practice pausing, the less uncomfortable it will become. Take a day or two and focus on just this skill. When someone is talking and you find yourself thinking of what to say next, immediately refocus on the conversation.

TECHNIQUE #7: REFOCUS

It’s natural for people to find themselves drifting off during a conversation. You might start thinking about what you need to get done later in the day or even putting together your shopping list in your mind.

When that happens, it’s important to refocus. If you’re having a particularly boring conversation, a good way to focus is to repeat what the other person is saying silently to yourself.

This technique can help rescue you from a very drab conversation that you need to get through or from a day when you’re just tired and your brain is having a hard time focusing on the matter at hand.