Sophie Kinsella - I've Got Your Number

“ … admit it, Magnus … complete mistake …”

“ … cancel. Not too late. Better now than a messy divorce … ”

I swallow hard. My hands are trembling around the tray. What am I hearing? What was that word, divorce ?

I’m probably misinterpreting, I tell myself. It’s only a few stray words, they could mean anything.

“Well, we’re getting married, whatever you say! So you might as well bloody like it!” Magnus’s voice soars out, clear as a bell.

A chill settles on me. It’s quite hard to find an alternative interpretation of that.

There’s some rumbling reply from Antony, then Magnus yells again, “ … will not end in bloody disaster!”

I feel a swell of love for Magnus. He sounds so furious. A moment later there’s a rattling at the door, and in a flash I backtrack about ten steps. As he emerges, I walk forward again, trying to look relaxed.

“Hi! Cup of tea?” Somehow I manage a natural tone. “Everything all right? I wondered where you’d got to!”

“Fine.” He smiles affectionately and snakes an arm around my waist.

He’s giving no hint that he was just yelling at his parents. I never realized he was such a good actor. He should go into politics.

“I’ll take those in to my parents, actually.” He quickly removes the tray from my grasp. “They’re … er … looking at the art.”

“Great!” I manage a smile, but my chin is wobbling. They’re not looking at the art. They’re telling each other what a terrible choice their son has made for a wife. They’re making bets that we’ll be divorced within a year.

As Magnus emerges from the antechapel again, I take a deep breath, feeling sick with nerves.

“So … what do your parents make of all this?” I say as lightly as I can manage. “I mean, your father’s not really into church, is he? Or … or … marriage, even.”

I’ve given him the perfect cue to tell me. It’s all set up. But Magnus shrugs sulkily.

“They’re OK.”

I sip my tea a few times, staring miserably at the ancient stone floor, willing myself to pursue it. I should contradict him. I should say, “I heard you arguing.” I should have it out with him.

But … I can’t do it. I’m not brave enough. I don’t want to hear the truth—that his parents think I’m crap.

“Just got to check an email.” Is it my imagination or is Magnus avoiding my gaze?

“Me too.” I peel away from him miserably and go to sit by myself on a side pew. For a few moments I hunch my shoulders, trying to resist the urge to cry. At last I reach for my phone and switch it on. I might as well catch up with some stuff. I haven’t looked at it for hours. As I switch it on, I almost recoil at the number of buzzes and flashes and bleeps which greet me. How many messages have I missed? I quickly text the concierge at the Berrow Hotel, telling him he can call off the search for the ring, and thanking him for his time. Then I turn my attention to the messages.

Top of the pile is a text from Sam, which arrived about twenty minutes ago:

On way to Germany over weekend. Heading to mountainous region. Will be off radar for a bit.

Seeing his name fills me with a longing to talk to someone, and I text back:

Hi there. Sounds cool. Why Germany?

There’s no reply, but I don’t care; it’s cathartic just to type.

So much for fake ring. Did not work. Was found out and now M’s parents think I’m a weirdo.

For a moment I wonder whether to tell him that Lucinda had the ring and ask him what he thinks. But … no. It’s too complicated. He won’t want to get into it. I send the text—then realize he might think I’m having a go at him. Quickly I type a follow-up:

Thx for help, anyway. Appreciate it.

Maybe I should have a look at his in-box. I’ve been neglecting it. There are so many emails with the same subject heading, I find myself squinting at the screen in puzzlement—till it dawns on me. Of course. Everyone’s responded to my invitation to send in ideas! These are all the replies!

For the first time this afternoon, I feel a small glow of pride in myself. If one of these people has come up with a groundbreaking idea and revolutionizes Sam’s company, then it will all be down to me.

I click on the first one, full of anticipation.

Dear Sam,

I think we should have yoga at lunchtimes, funded by the company, and several others agree with me.

Best,

Sally Brewer.

I frown uncertainly. It’s not exactly what I was expecting, but I suppose yoga is a good idea.

OK, next one.

Dear Sam,

Thanks for your email. You asked for honesty. The rumor among our department is that this so-called ideas exercise is a weeding-out process. Why not just be honest yourself and

tell

us if we’re going to be fired?

Kind regards,

Tony

I blink in astonishment. What?

OK, that’s just a ridiculous reaction. He’s got to be a nutter. I quickly scroll down to the next one.

Dear Sam,

Is there a budget for this “new ideas’ program you’ve launched? A few team leaders are asking.

Thanks,

Chris Davies

That’s another ridiculous reaction. A budget ? Who needs a budget for ideas?

Sam,

What the fuck is going on? Next time you feel like announcing a new staff initiative, would you mind consulting the other directors?

Malcolm

The next is even more to the point:

Sam,

What’s this all about? Thanks for the heads-up. Not.

Vicks

I feel a twinge of guilt. It never occurred to me that I might get Sam into trouble with his colleagues. But surely everyone will see the beneficial side as soon as the ideas start flooding in.

Dear Sam,

The word is that you’re appointing a new “ideas czar.” You may recall that this was

my

idea, which I raised in a departmental meeting three years ago. I find it a little rich that my initiative has been appropriated and very much hope that when the appointment is made, I will be at the top of the short list.

Otherwise, I fear I will have to make a complaint to a more senior level.

Best,

Martin

What?

Dear Sam,

Will we be having a special presentation of all our ideas? Could you please let me know the time limit on a PowerPoint presentation? May we work as teams?

Best wishes,

Mandy

There. You see? A brilliant, positive reaction. Teamwork! Presentations! This is fantastic!

Dear Sam,

Sorry to bother you again.

If we

don’t

want to work in a team after all, will we be penalized? I have fallen out with my team, but now they know all my ideas, which is totally unfair.

Just so you know,

I

had the idea about restructuring the marketing department first. Not Carol.

Best,

Mandy

OK. Well, obviously you have to expect a few glitches. It doesn’t matter. It’s still a positive result …

Dear Sam,

I’m sorry to do this, but I wish to make a formal complaint about the behavior of Carol Hanratty.

She has behaved totally unprofessionally in the new-ideas exercise, and I am forced to take the rest of the day off, due to my great distress. Judy is also too distressed to work for the rest of the day, and we are thinking of contacting our union.

Best,

Mandy

What? What?

Dear Sam,

Forgive the long email. You ask for ideas.

Where to start?

I have worked at this company for fifteen years, during which time a long process of disillusionment has silted up my very veins, until my mental processes …

This guy’s email is about fifteen pages long. I drop my phone into my lap, my jaw slack.

I can’t believe all these replies. I never ever meant to cause all this kerfuffle. Why are people so stupid ? Why do they have to fight? What on earth have I stirred up?