Diana Richardson - Tantric Sex for Men

may experience a jumble of feelings you can’t put into words, find it impossible to look the other in

the eyes, or have the awkward sensation of feeling disconnected from everything, utterly separate,

lonely, totally misunderstood, and physically collapsed. Often we find ourselves feeling vengeful and

wanting to hurt back. We start blaming our partner for the situation, using the accusing words, “You

never . . .” or “You always . . .” When a breakdown like this takes place, we must recognize that

emotion is in play. It takes some practice to recognize emotion, but after a while, it does become

obvious.

This inner acknowledgement immediately puts things into better perspective. Emotion is the

resurfacing of old or repressed feelings that we were unable to show or express at the time the feeling

was actually taking place. This is why emotional reactions are often quite disproportionate to the

slight comment or mild action that triggers them. The trigger itself does not usually warrant the huge

upset that follows in its wake. It’s those old, unexpressed feelings that begin to resonate and bubble to

the surface and create confusion. When you acknowledge these old feelings for what they are and

work their negative effects out of your system, emotional reactions will begin to diminish. In a few

years your partner will be able to say precisely the same words to you, and the comment will slip by

you like water off a duck’s back.

The Solar Plexus and Emotion

In addition to emotional alarm signals like suddenly feeling paralyzed or disconnected, you can learn

to recognize states of emotionality through your solar plexus. Consider this area as a sensor, because

here the tensions of emotions can gather and create a lot of discomfort. These tensions try to seek

discharge in various ways—through irritation, complaining, nagging, or passing on your frustration to

family members or colleagues. When you develop awareness of the solar plexus, the moment

someone says something that strikes an uncomfortable chord in you, you will probably notice a

response in that part of your body: the sensation of tension or congestion, like having a stone in your

stomach, or a hollow, empty, nervous feeling in the stomach. These kinds of body responses let you

know that you are emotional and that something unresolved is being triggered. If the solar plexus is

free of tension, it allows for unobstructed flow of sexual energy between the genitals and heart. There

may be slight feelings of nausea when first relaxing into lovemaking (perhaps more common in

woman), but this is nothing to be concerned about. It is a sure sign of the surfacing of old tensions

seeking release. Nausea is usually a by-product of the sexual energy expanding, displacing, and

cleansing the restricting tensions from the body.

OVERCOMING FEARS CREATED BY LACK OF LOVE

Many people begin experiencing feelings of being separate, wrong, unworthy, or not good enough

very early in life, already as young children. We become separate from ourselves, from each other,

and from the whole of existence. As we cut off from our pure energy, we also cut off from our love

source, and as fear replaces security and joy, a false self gradually develops around us. The fear is

due to imprints made by an absence of love in the immediate surroundings (family and parents). It

provokes a child into behaving differently in order to try to get approval (or disapproval, through

rebellion, where at least some attention is gained) and secure the love so necessary for survival. And

so our parents begin to write the script for who we are and how we should behave, and we gradually

lose our authenticity.

Emotionality is an unconscious, automatic reaction to a situation or circumstance, like when a

switch is flicked off, and light turns to dark. It can even be a learned habit: some people learned to be

emotional as young children by mimicking their parents’ behavior. As the years go by, we begin to

define ourselves according to our emotions, thinking our emotional part is who we really are. It is as

if we are in a movie, and the situation is not actually real. Only the past makes it real. (If we were to

wake up one morning without our memory, with no past, what then?) But in spirit and essence we are

all interested in love, and to keep love alive, love has to be separated from the unconscious backlog

of stored emotions. As we begin to release these old feelings consciously (whenever we notice them

arising), pieces of the past get healed.

Toxic Emotions and Conventional Sex

Emotions are extremely toxic and will poison the atmosphere by striking deadly blows at the person

we most love. This is a big problem; we unconsciously put all our unresolved feelings onto the

person we most love and thereby contaminate the love. We say the most awful things to our partner in

an attempt to unburden ourselves of our emotions. Emotional statements stick like glue in the mind and

revolve endlessly in the thoughts, long after the fight is over. Did she really mean that? Am I really

like that? And then the mind will create more emotions from endlessly rethinking the past. In truth,

love cannot withstand too much emotion; it is a delicate and fragile flower that requires awareness to

keep it blooming. Love will slowly slip through our fingers when we let emotion have the upper hand.

A big source of emotionality lies hidden in sex. When energy moves downward, as it does in

conventional sex with its usual discharge, tension and anxiety are by-products. This is why arguments

and dissatisfactions easily follow. Sexual tensions eventually create a subtle overpositive charge in

man and a subtle false-positive charge in woman. These falsely acquired charges make woman

slightly male and distort her essential female qualities. Man’s essential qualities are also distorted as

he becomes a “tough guy.” These accumulating tensions have to be discharged in some fashion, and

they are often released through arguing, finding fault with each other, or complaining. When emotions

are in the air they easily spawn excitement, which gives rise to the famous fucking-after-a-fight

syndrome to heal the rift. But trying to repair the damage through sex and ejaculation/orgasm is a

vicious cycle, because through that very same fuck we acquire more charge, which can flare up into

emotion at any moment. This explains why, even in the absence of an argument, after a so-called good

fuck, a fight can start so easily.

Recent brain research has revealed that chemicals released during a conventional peak orgasm

have a separating effect that causes withdrawal and disconnection (see Marnia Robinson’s book

Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow in Recommended Books). Previously we mentioned a tendency for men and

women to withdraw and feel separate after peak orgasms. Now we know that behavior is actually

controlled by a chemical event in the brain. Conventional sex ultimately causes separation, not union.

False Female Emotionality

The false charge built up through a misunderstanding about how genitals relate to each other is a big

factor in the emotions for which women have become famous. The overcharge, tensions, and stresses

present in the system seek release in order to keep the system in some kind of balance. One way they

manifest is in the form of overwhelming emotions. Women seem so sensitive, get upset easily and cry,

have dramas, and start blaming. This is man’s nightmare! These emotional reactions affect a woman’s