Diana Richardson - Tantric Sex for Men

equilibrium and her capacity to love and be loved. The tensions can also be reflected in women as

various menstrual syndromes or genital disturbances.

Man unknowingly contributes to this. When man has hot sex and ejaculates, he frequently (but not

always) deposits some of his sexual/ emotional tension in woman’s body, which she later has to

process in some way or other. Woman is unconsciously accumulating stress and tension on a few

fronts, which affects her behavior and self-perception, and men’s perception of women.

The Emotion of Jealousy

Jealousy is perhaps the most debilitating and excruciating of emotions. Jealousy is about having the

desire to possess and control another person; it is not an expression of love for that person. Jealousy

has its roots in comparison, and we are taught to compare ourselves in all kinds of ways, particularly

in the sexual sphere. Comparison is a useless activity because each individual is unique and

incomparable, and once you truly understand this, jealousy can evaporate. Sex certainly creates

jealousy, but jealousy is a secondary thing, so it is not a question of how to get rid of jealousy. It is

more a question of loving without conditions. Love that does not control or posses but honors the

other’s freedom to live their own life.

GOLDEN RULES FOR GETTING RID OF EMOTION

There are some “golden rules” (elaborated on in Tantric Love: Feelings versus Emotions; see

Recommended Books and Resources) to help in processing emotion. The very moment you recognize

that you are emotional—through the solar plexus, the experience of disconnection, or in whatever

other way you recognize your emotion—the first step is to acknowledge it and say aloud to your

partner, “I am emotional.” This verbalization instantly brings a touch of relaxation, because at least

now your partner knows that you know that you are emotional, which takes the other out of the picture

and no longer makes that person responsible for your unhappiness. It is a difficult and challenging

step to take (at first), to admit you are emotional by actually saying so, because the ego will be

justifying and fighting like crazy, trying to blame the other. But until you take yourself back to yourself

and acknowledge the unexpressed past within you, your love life will remain a series of good times

followed by bad times.

In such circumstances, having said the three golden words, “I am emotional,” to your partner as

gracefully as possible, physically leave the room, adding the words, “I need some time to myself and

will return soon.” Close the door gently and go outside or to another room in the house and take some

time alone. (Do not drive off and feign that you are abandoning the relationship in that moment—

accidents happen.) Now is not switch-off time, but the time to switch on and release, to get in touch

with old feelings residing in your system by moving your body. In fact, when emotions get activated

the toxins of feelings gone sour move through a layer of connective tissue in the body, called fascia.

This explains why sometimes at the onset of an emotional attack you will feel the event in your body

very clearly, almost as if a substance with density is swirling through you. (Indeed, fascia does

weave dimensionally through the body and from head to toe about five times, connecting the

superficial layers with the deepest physical layers.)

To get rid of these emotions, you need to use physical movement to help them move out of the body.

Be active in some way, and do whatever you do purposefully; for example, beat a pillow for twenty

minutes, bang on a drum, go for a jog, chop some wood, or dig in the garden. Talking gibberish

(nonsensical words) also helps to clear emotion. It’s important to be physically active and do what

you do with intention and not give in to any inclination to contract and collapse. Surprisingly, when

you return to your partner after a bout of physical release you are likely to experience that the feeling

of disconnection has diminished, you can make eye contact again, and the distancing “wall” is slowly

crumbling to the ground.

If this is not the case, if you feel you are still looking over a half wall, that there’s still some sense

of separation, you likely need an additional round of body movement. This sounds almost too simple,

but it works. If you need two or three hours, or days, to get over the attack of emotion, then take the

time required. As you begin to operate in this way with your emotions, soon the whole process gets

faster—the recognition, the acknowledgment, and the burning up of the past.

Being creative in this way certainly beats the alternative option of dragging the emotions around for

a few days, miserably wondering what has become of love, until eventually, sleepless nights later,

one side breaks down into tears, gives up the fight, and starts to express the feelings lurking behind

the emotions. You have experienced this yourself many times, for sure; the very instant one side gives

up and starts to express inner feelings, the fight is over. We pick up the remaining threads of love and

start again.

You may wonder why it is necessary to separate physically in order to deal with emotions. One of

the telltale traits of emotion is that it enjoys discussion and argument, each one trying to convince the

other why he or she is right. Emotion is full of ego. If you do stay in each other’s presence when

emotionally activated, it is really best if you can speak only about yourself and say, “I feel . . .” This

is the most direct way to step out of emotion, by expressing and releasing your deep, hidden feelings.

Bring the congestion of emotions from the solar plexus—where it is likely to have formed a knot—up

to the heart, and get into your inner feelings for real. Do not make your partner responsible for

creating unhappiness in you. Reach behind the emotion and find what is truly happening inside of you,

the old buried hurts that have nothing to do with this individual in front of you. She has only been a

trigger.

Even if this person is in some way responsible for some of the hurts you carry from the past, the

fact that you repressed your deeper feelings at that time and did not express them is really the issue in

the present. If feelings had been authentically released at the time, they would not keep bubbling up

inside of you. You would have felt a great deal better for having expressed the feelings, even if a

particular issue remained unresolved between you. Through expression you release emotions you’ve

been dragging around and accumulating year by year. You keep yourself free from the past.

THE ROLE OF EMOTIONS IN SEX

Because of our emotional patterns, as couples we tend to get a bit high on emotions and begin to

believe that this intensity is a part of love, and that a good hurling of china is an expression of our

love. We once heard Barry Long say that all anger is, in reality, the result of sexual frustration. This

certainly gives food for thought, especially in light of all the wars going on around us and how little

satisfying sex is being enjoyed on Earth. Men and women have pressures and frustrations associated

with conventional orgasm, so they are quite likely to have anger about this as well. Many women feel

deep rage toward men for their abusive behavior, a rage that extends beyond the personal to the

collective level.

Discharging Emotions through Sex