Tao Lin - Richard Yates

“Come on chat,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Hi,” said Dakota Fanning on Gmail chat.

“Hi,” said Haley Joel Osment and stared at the computer screen.

“I don’t know what to say,” he said after about twenty seconds.

“Me either,” said Dakota Fanning. “I’m reading The Way We Eat . I’m halfway through. I want to mail it to my dad when I’m finished.”

“I mailed you things yesterday,” said Haley Joel Osment about stolen watermelon perfume and a drawing of a hamster that committed suicide by impaling itself on an SUV’s antenna.

“I haven’t mailed things yet,” said Dakota Fanning. “I saved them in case you came. I stole you lemon foot-paste. I think it will feel good if you put it on your face. I put foot-paste on my face once and it felt good.”

“I wish you mailed me something so I could have it today.”

“I know,” said Dakota Fanning. “You would have it tomorrow if I mailed something not today.”

“Remember when you said you would mail me something every day.”

“Yes,” said Dakota Fanning.

“I’m going to kill myself soon,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“I would have this week, I really would have but I wanted to give you things in person,” said Dakota Fanning. “I thought you would come today. I should have mailed things anyway, I know, I’m sorry. Don’t say that please, I’m sorry.” A few minutes later she said “I’m just going to keep fucking up and making you more miserable. I’m never going to be a good person. I’m too stupid. I’m very stupid. I’m sorry I couldn’t make you feel okay, not alone. You shouldn’t have to deal with my shit.”

“I wish you recorded songs for me.”

“I did,” said Dakota Fanning.

“Why didn’t you just do that instead of going to a movie.”

Dakota Fanning said she had the songs. She said she went to the movies because she was very depressed and lonely and wanted to sit and stare at something and not have to think but it didn’t work because all she did the whole time was think about how she would rather be with Haley Joel Osment which was why she got up and cried in the bathroom.

“Why wouldn’t you just walk around instead,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I just don’t understand.”

“I did walk around and it didn’t help either. I walked 3 miles to the shitty theater in the first place.”

“Am I too demanding of people,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I feel so fucked.”

“No, you’re not, it’s just that everyone is stupid. I’m stupid. I’m very stupid and terrible. I really did have things to mail you then decided to keep them for today. I really did. I’m not lying to make an excuse. I’m telling the truth.”

“Don’t you know that we both know you said you would mail me things every day,” said Haley Joel Osment. “Then you should have mailed something else, if only to not have that lie between us.”

“I know. I’m so stupid. I’m so stupid. I’m so stupid. I hate myself so much. I really do feel like killing myself. I really do. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“I missed you,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“I’m selfish,” said Dakota Fanning.

“But now I feel shitty again,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Can I come Thursday,” said Dakota Fanning. “You don’t have to pick me up at the station, I will find my way to the reading, you don’t have to do anything for me or talk to me, I’ll get enough money. I’m sobbing, I’m so upset with myself.”

“I already said I wanted you to come Thursday. You said you can’t.”

“I know but I can work harder to try to get her to change her mind. I just wanted to ask because I made you feel shitty and I felt maybe you wouldn’t want to talk to me again for a while.”

“Okay,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I’ll meet you at the station.”

“Okay,” said Dakota Fanning. “Thank you.”

“Do you have the Eightball that says Twentieth Century Eightball on it,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“No, not yet. That’s the anthology of all Eightball issues.”

“I got it for you,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Thank you. I spent all night hand-sewing you an obese green hamster stuffed animal. It’s very soft and squishy. I will bring it for you on the train.”

“Okay,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“I walked Sunday and someone wrote in dirt on a window ‘clitoris pie bitch’ and I wanted to show you but I couldn’t and felt sad,” said Dakota Fanning.

“You could have taken a picture,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Donald Trump should say ‘clitoris pie bitch,’ ” said Dakota Fanning. “I know, I was stupid. I didn’t take it because we weren’t talking and I didn’t think to take it and then send it to you Tuesday.”

“Okay,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Do you like Kill Your Idols.”

“No,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Okay,” said Dakota Fanning and emailed him a song.

Haley Joel Osment was looking at literary blogs

“Did you get the song,” said Dakota Fanning after about ten minutes.

“Yeah,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Okay,” said Dakota Fanning. “I’m going to go do things because there isn’t anything I can say and there probably isn’t any way I’ll get you to laugh now so there’s no reason for me to be on here when I can be working on other things for you.” Haley Joel Osment emailed about ten minutes later thanking her for recording songs and making him an obese stuffed animal. “I’m excited to hear the songs and see the hamster,” said the email.

The next night he went to New Jersey and in the morning they went to New York City and he read poetry to people in Brooklyn. They rode the 8:54 p.m. train to New Jersey and listened in Dakota Fanning’s room to the songs she recorded including “Tripped” by Neva Dinova and then around midnight watched Chunking Express in the living room. Dakota Fanning was asleep for most of the movie. Haley Joel Osment went to New York City the next afternoon. “I think you like other things better than me,” he said on Gmail chat that night. “I mean generally you like things that aren’t people. More than people. Like eating or sleeping or something. If you don’t want to do something then just tell me and we don’t have to be boyfriend and girlfriend anymore, instead of just pretending or something.”

“I want to be boyfriend and girlfriend,” said Dakota Fanning. “I am learning. I know what to do.”

“I don’t understand when people don’t do what they say they want to do.”

“Me either,” said Dakota Fanning. “That’s why I don’t understand myself or like myself.”

“I still don’t understand,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“I’m killing myself,” said Dakota Fanning. “Good night.”

“Wait,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Sorry,” said Dakota Fanning.

“Stop being an out-of-control tape man.”

“Are you upset?” said Dakota Fanning.

“No,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Okay,” said Dakota Fanning.

“You said you used to be a nice polite non cheese beast,” said Haley Joel Osment. “In other relationships.” Dakota Fanning said she was always just polite to the other people and they became obsessed with her. “All they ever did was talk about how much they loved me or how great I supposedly was,” she said. “They never really did anything.”

Haley Joel Osment said something about not getting a present on his birthday.

“I know that was wrong of me but that is another thing I have to change from the way I was raised,” said Dakota Fanning. “No one cares about birthdays in my family. For my birthday this year my mom bought me a shitty card, my dad called me and said he would call back but never did and my brother never even said happy birthday, just said ‘why do you have to be a retarded fuck-up and watch stupid French movies’ when he saw The Piano Teacher on the living room table.” They said some other things and then Dakota Fanning said she told Haley Joel Osment about things that concerned her and he didn’t do anything about it either.