Tao Lin - Richard Yates

“Okay,” said Haley Joel Osment.

Dakota Fanning went to talk to her mom. “She won’t let me go,” she said about forty minutes later. “We talked for a long time and I scared her I think. She thinks I’m crazy again.”

“How did you scare her,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“I don’t know. When I get nervous and upset I do repetitive movements like pacing back and forth or hitting my head over and over again and I did that. I think she was afraid and told me I had issues and that I shouldn’t be so affected by one person that I break down or something. Then she said some stuff about my dad and then she was worried because she thinks you don’t eat anything because I couldn’t tell her that you steal things. And she doesn’t want me going to the city and not eating anything all day.”

“Just tell her I eat things,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I don’t understand.”

“I did. I told her you ate things but she doesn’t understand how you get money.”

“Just tell her I have money from writing. I still don’t understand.”

“Because first she asked me how you can afford all the train tickets and food and I said I give you money sometimes and that you sell things sometimes to get money but she doesn’t believe me because you wear the same pants all the time, she thinks you’re poor. And she doesn’t believe you get much from writing because you said the writing you do will never make much money before on the phone. She kept telling me to ask you to come here but I said it’s shitty here and then she got angry and said ‘well that’s too bad’ and said that if you really care about me you wouldn’t mind coming here all the time but I said that isn’t fair, I should visit you, it isn’t fair for you to have to pay for train tickets all the time, then she thought you were poor again,” said Dakota Fanning. “I hate myself,” she said after about fifteen seconds.

“Why,” said Haley Joel Osment.

Dakota Fanning typed seven times that she hated herself.

“Why,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Because I’m being selfish.”

“With what,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“With you. I should try harder to find new things that you would like. I wanted to give you a new towel but I forgot. I don’t say thank you enough. I should try harder to find things for you. I haven’t written enough things for you. I want to write things for you. I’m going to write you another letter. I liked writing you a letter. I feel happy when I do things like that but then I hardly ever do them. It’s retarded and I hate myself. All I can ever think to do is hold you and pet you. I’m so lucky to have you as a friend. I want to hold you and pet you. I’m retarded. I hate myself. I want to hold you.”

“I don’t know,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Are you still editing your chapbook?”

“No,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Did you cut those stories.”

“I don’t know yet,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“I haven’t talked to my dad in a week I think. My mom told me tonight that he said I was the only thing he cared about and I stared and felt depressed. I’m going to call him.”

After midnight Haley Joel Osment and Dakota Fanning text-messaged a few times. Haley Joel Osment was on his bed. Dakota Fanning asked if she could call. Haley Joel Osment said he didn’t feel like talking because he felt bad.

“Okay, I understand,” said Dakota Fanning. “I made you a mobile. I’m sorry it’s late. I had planned to give it to you for your birthday. Good night.”

“Email me if you have anything to say,” said Haley Joel Osment in an email the next afternoon. “I’m editing my novel. I was going to email you but I feel tired now. And you didn’t email me. So I don’t know what you’re thinking.”

“I’m going to try harder,” said Dakota Fanning in an email. “Do you believe me? I’ve been trying. If I hadn’t you wouldn’t have visited me or let me visit you. I just need to try harder. I am now. I am going to try harder. I didn’t email you because I thought you wanted to be left alone, that you wanted time to think. I miss you. You are my best friend.”

“I think I feel indifferent to you right now,” said Haley Joel Osment in an email. “I don’t know. It is depressing because I want to like you because probably I won’t ever meet anyone like you, but I can easily meet someone who in other ways, like considerateness and thoughtfulness, I would like more than you. I wanted to go home after we went to your room and you went to shower without saying anything. You are the person who said in my apartment that the guest always showers first. Then I thought about what to do about the lemon drawing I drew for you. Since if I gave it to you it would only make it more obvious to me and maybe to you that I thought of you more and did more for you than you did for me, on my birthday, going to your house to make funnel cakes. I was going to go home but your mom was downstairs and we were already going to make funnel cakes. It was too hard to leave so I thought ‘I’ll just be nice to her for the rest of the day.’ ” In another email he said “At each moment you can either kill yourself, try harder to detach yourself from people and reality, or be thinking of and doing what you can for the people you like. Those are the only 3 choices at any moment. I don’t know. It seems like you do the second one but say you want to do the third one.” A few minutes later he sent another email that said “I think I’m being stupid right now. I shouldn’t lecture you. You are who you are, people don’t change. You probably need to be with someone who won’t want you to change. Even if you change now you’ll change back later. So I’m being stupid right now. To some people you would be very thoughtful and good. It’s relative, like everything, and stupid of me to complain.”

Dakota Fanning sent a giant email that said she had been thinking lately and realizing her mistakes. “I thought about how I stole blueberries and flaxseed meal to make you vegan cake but then I was nervous you wouldn’t want to eat cake because you don’t really eat anything unhealthy so I just gave you the blueberries and felt guilty for not just making you the cake anyway even if you didn’t want it. I thought about how I had planned to make you the mobile for your birthday but then forgot. I thought about when we were making funnel cakes and how I wasn’t letting you make them enough and how I was afraid to bring the cake to those guys even though I knew you really wanted to. I thought about it when we were walking home and I thought about apologizing but I was afraid to because I didn’t know if you were really upset by it or not because you were smiling and I didn’t want to talk about something depressing on your birthday after you had chosen to spend it making funnel cakes at a white trash festival to be with me. I had the panic attack on the train ride home because I was so embarrassed that I had eaten so much and wasn’t paying attention to you and Ana. I felt so embarrassed to the point where I wanted to kill myself. I felt guilty the day we walked to sell books and you carried my bag to help me. The whole time I was thinking that I should be helping you, that I should have carried the books, but then I never did and I felt terrible. When you gave me the lemon drawing I felt terrible. I can’t stop thinking about you. I mailed you things earlier today. All I have been doing today is thinking about you and everything I have done to make you unhappy and how I can fix them. I can do it. I can. I owe you everything. You have done the greatest thing for me than anyone has my entire life. You have been honest with me. You know I want to be healthy or else I wouldn’t make fun of cheese beasts. I don’t want to kill myself. I want to be in a happy and healthy relationship with you.”