Tao Lin - Richard Yates

“When I come to New York we should just go to bars and record drunken sluts,” said Dakota Fanning.

“A fly keeps flying by me, I feel dirty,” said Haley Joel Osment. “It just landed on my crotch and walked around.”

“It wants to have sex with you,” said Dakota Fanning.

“Your mom ate crab fried with cheese. She is fucked.”

“I know,” said Dakota Fanning. “She is very fucked.”

Haley Joel Osment typed “freedom” in all capital letters with nineteen exclamation marks after it. “Scream that at your mom sometimes,” he said. “Am I coming Thursday?”

“I don’t know, are you? Maybe I can convince her to let you come Thursday then stay the night and go back with me on the train Friday so I’m not riding there alone.” Dakota Fanning said the neighbor’s child was crying. “It begs for ice cream every day and then its parents beat it on the porch and then it rides a bike around and screams and cries. It’s happened 4 times.” Haley Joel Osment said that reminded him of Lemming . He said he wanted to watch movies with Dakota Fanning. “I just want to walk around with you at night and sometimes ass and crotch rape you,” he said.

“Okay. We can do that.”

“When,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“I don’t know. Soon. I will talk to fried Nicholas Sparks cheese beast.”

“That is good,” said Haley Joel Osment. “Cheese beast.”

“I kept looking at ‘cheese beast’ and ignoring the rest.”

“Me too,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Let’s refer to her as cheese beast now,” said Dakota Fanning. “Like tape man or headbutt girl.”

“Sometimes we can call other people cheese beast too,” said Haley Joel Osment.

Dakota Fanning said the name of a person and said the person was a cheese beast.

“Cheese beast is good,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Cheese beasts like anything in nugget form. Nuggets is a scary word. My brother has a bottle of ear piercing cleaner in his bathroom. I’m confused.”

“He pierced his groin,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Probably,” said Dakota Fanning.

They drew cheese beasts using Microsoft Paint and sent them to each other. “They are both just blobs without limbs,” said Dakota Fanning. “I’m laughing. Cheese beast. Fuck my mom’s home.” She went offline. “My mom is home early because she’s afraid of a flood warning in the area,” she said a few minutes later.

“Tell her I majored in flood management at NYU and can protect her Thursday.”

“She just went to look at the river,” said Dakota Fanning. “She took Aladdin and a big flashlight with her. A very big railroad flashlight. I went down to the basement and saw my cat sleeping in a box on the washing machine. She’s always in the basement.”

“Your cat is good,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“It’s a small Gatorade tray. It looks silly. I laughed at her. She stared at me and then licked herself. I hope it floods. I’m bored here. Last time it flooded we parked on the side of the highway and stared for like two hours. It was good.”

Later that night on the phone Haley Joel Osment said he was probably going to Florida August 1. It was June 27. His mother was leaving America for two months and would pay him to feed the dog and housesit. He said he didn’t know what to do after the two months in Florida.

“Two months is so long,” said Dakota Fanning. “I’m sad.”

A few days later they ate dinner with Ana at a Thai restaurant on St. Mark’s Place. Ana said when she was 17 her boyfriend who was 21 or 22 hid in her basement and convinced her to drop out of school to join the revolution in Nicaragua and she did but then was fired from the revolution because she couldn’t do any of the jobs they gave her including building bikes. Haley Joel Osment and Dakota Fanning held hands under the table. Ana said she would email Dakota Fanning’s mother saying Haley Joel Osment was a good person. She talked about Haley Joel Osment and Dakota Fanning’s relationship and said “Summer fling” and “Cute.”

“Was I okay?” said Dakota Fanning after Ana left. “I felt like I ate a lot.”

“You were good,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I didn’t think you ate a lot.”

“I feel stupid. I didn’t talk and just kept eating because I was nervous.”

“You were good,” said Haley Joel Osment. “Don’t worry. You did talk. I thought it was normal.” Dakota Fanning said Ana probably thought she was stupid. “No,” said Haley Joel Osment. “She probably likes you a lot. When I had dinner with her and her boyfriend and headbutt girl like two years ago she emailed the next day saying she felt bad for not contributing that much to the conversation. Her boyfriend was an NYU philosophy professor.” Dakota Fanning cried on the train to New Jersey. Haley Joel Osment held her and didn’t say anything.

In the morning he went to New York City.

That night in Bobst Library he read an email from Dakota Fanning that said she hated her wedding photography job. “I think they were pissed,” said the email. “The camera they gave me didn’t work so I hardly took any pictures. Most of the reception we just sat there and watched a cheese beast dance. I felt shitty. A man with stick arms but a regular body kept coming up to me and asking me questions and poking me and I felt uncomfortable. My stomach hurts.”

Haley Joel Osment read an email from his brother that said “Happy birthday!” and “Let’s meet up this weekend and I can give you your gift.” He read an email from his mother that said “I miss you on your birthday, enjoy your special day the way you like and have the happiest birthday.” He thought about the man with stick arms. He emailed Dakota Fanning that he stole another Woody Allen DVD and four Get Up Kids CDs from Virgin Megastore.

A few hours later in his apartment he showered and sat on his bed. He looked at things on his bookshelf. He read a few pages of different books. He stared at Richard Yates’ author photo and grinned while thinking “Party girl” and feeling a little confused.

About ten minutes after midnight Dakota Fanning text-messaged “Happy birthday squid groin.” Haley Joel Osment slept and woke and went to New Jersey on the 11:41 a.m. train. He and Dakota Fanning walked toward her house holding hands. “I think about talking and then I don’t talk,” he thought on the steel bridge. “It seems unknown when I’ll talk. I feel like running away from Dakota for some reason. Just suddenly running away really fast. I’m talking a lot but it’s in my head.” They bumped each other a few times as they went up the stairs in her house. Dakota Fanning was grinning. They went faster up the stairs and Haley Joel Osment said “Shower” and Dakota Fanning said “Cheese beast.” Haley Joel Osment sat on her bed and said “Shower.”

Dakota Fanning left the room holding a towel. “She left without saying anything,” thought Haley Joel Osment and lay on her bed and covered his head with a blanket. “If I don’t say something about that we’ll be less considerate and have lower expectations. If I do say something I’ll be less good at accepting disappointments. I want to be more accepting. But I also want us to be more considerate.” He thought about never complaining. He thought about complaining about everything. Dakota Fanning came in the room. Haley Joel Osment went in the bathroom and removed his clothes and stood naked in the bathtub in sunlight. “I just need to feel good all the time,” he thought. “When I’m happy everything seems okay. I feel happy when I’m happy. I don’t know. I’ll just keep going.” He showered without thinking about anything and then put on clothes and went in Dakota Fanning’s room. Dakota Fanning was lying on her bed facing away. Haley Joel Osment lay beside her on his back and closed his eyes. After a few minutes he felt her touching him. He opened his eyes and looked at her concerned facial expression and closed his eyes. She stopped touching him. She lay facing away. He hugged her a little and thought about hugging her until she reciprocated. He lay on his back and closed his eyes. “If she touches me now I will touch her and we will be nice again,” he thought. “If she doesn’t touch me I will have to accept that, it is her turn to do something. If I had reciprocated when she was touching me we would be okay right now. Should I just hug her without stopping and not think about these things? And not think about a lot of things?”