Tao Lin - Richard Yates

“Now what,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I’m listening to this really shitty song over and over again. It sounds like a moth’s ass rubbing against my brainstem.”

“I listened to Mirah all day,” said Dakota Fanning.

“It’s making me feel like a moth’s shit,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“My eyelids feel shitty,” said Dakota Fanning. “Life is stupid. I’m going to Japan when I turn 18.”

“Okay. What am I going to do.”

“You can come with me.”

“Will you leave without me,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“No. We promised we wouldn’t go to Japan without each other.”

“By the time you’re 18 I’ll be insane. I’m going more insane gradually.”

“That’s okay,” said Dakota Fanning. “You can be insane. When I go to Japan I just want to stand on the subway for hours each day riding back and forth and then go home and stare at my ceiling and pet the octopus,” she said about a stuffed animal Haley Joel Osment gave her a few weeks ago. She said her brother was depressed this morning and drove his car really fast and an off-duty cop on a motorcycle pushed him off the road and called an on-duty cop on him. Haley Joel Osment said “Use the word shit in every sentence you say to me now on.”

“Shit,” said Dakota Fanning.

“Good. A lot of sentences can be edited to just ‘shit.’ If it’s shit just say shit.”

“Shit,” said Dakota Fanning.

“I read Bobbie Ann Mason while shitting earlier,” said Haley Joel Osment

“I shit when I got home and then tripped on the rug and hit my knee on the shitty sink,” said Dakota Fanning.

“My neck feels like it wants to shit but it’s a neck,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“My lungs feel like they are full of shit,” said Dakota Fanning.

“I had shitty nightmares,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“And that they will explode soon and leak shit into the rest of my body,” said Dakota Fanning.

“I kept sweating shit onto the bed,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“It’s hot as shit here,” said Dakota Fanning.

“I want to shit in your swimming pool,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Do it. I think moths shit in the pool. Swim in moth shit.”

“I’m swimming in your pool Friday. Your mom doesn’t own the Earth.”

“She owns the pool,” said Dakota Fanning. “I’m sick of her shit. I hate arguing with her. She can’t talk normal. She always ends up yelling about stupid shit. She never makes any sense.”

“Now what,” said Haley Joel Osment. “Now what. What are we going to do.”

“I don’t know. You’re okay. I’m the one who just needs to kill themselves.”

“How am I okay,” said Haley Joel Osment. “No I am not.”

“Julia gave me her phone number,” said Dakota Fanning. “I’m afraid to call.”

“Tell your mom to talk to her,” said Haley Joel Osment. “If enough people tell your mom she is insane she might do something.”

“I doubt it. She’ll never accept that she is insane.”

“I’m killing myself,” said Haley Joel Osment. “For real this time.”

“How,” said Dakota Fanning.

“Never mind. I’m not doing anything.”

“Okay,” said Dakota Fanning. “What day is it.”

“Monday,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Oh. I didn’t know. Friday is so far.”

“Can we plan my visit,” said Haley Joel Osment. “If it is certain I will be okay until Friday. If not I’ll feel like moth’s ass hairs constantly.”

“I don’t know. It depends on if I can stay home. When you come are you going to let her see you or will you just leave when she comes home.”

“Letting her see me,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“What if she calls the police,” said Dakota Fanning.

“Okay. Not letting her see me. If you told her we didn’t have sex in New York City I could let her see me. You fucked up.”

“You told me after I had told her,” said Dakota Fanning.

“Did you tell me what I said to tell her,” said Haley Joel Osment and felt very confused. “Fuck. I can’t make sense anymore. We’re fucked. I just laughed at the typo,” he said about fucked being spelled as fcuedk. “Immediately after I laughed I felt like terrible shit.”

“I just stared at it,” said Dakota Fanning. “I didn’t even recognize it as a typo.”

“I just felt afraid of my hands,” said Haley Joel Osment. “They are happier and less fucked than me.”

“Maybe if I tell my mom she can call the house every hour to make sure I’m still here then I can stay home. I’m so bored all the time. Everyone at her office is retarded. I had to teach a guy how to make the font bold in Microsoft Word.”

“I want to make a typo of shit,” said Haley Joel Osment. “That says cannonballs.”

“I don’t know what to do,” said Dakota Fanning. “My life is fucked.”

“Who is more fucked,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“I don’t know,” said Dakota Fanning. “I might be.”

“Some asshole friend of Matt Dixon just tried to chat with me,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I deleted him from my contacts.” Matt Dixon was in his early 30s and worked for an advertisement firm and used to attend the same literary events as Haley Joel Osment and headbutt girl. “I don’t know,” said Haley Joel Osment. “What is happening. We need to know a definite date in the future so we can feel okay. Tell your mom to give you a date that you can see me. Tell her of course you’re depressed if you’re not allowed to leave the house or see your friend.”

Dakota Fanning called later saying her mother still wouldn’t give a specific date.

Haley Joel Osment stayed on his bed one afternoon reading The End of the Story lying on his stomach looking at the book on the floor. It was about a relationship that ended and Haley Joel Osment focused on finding things about his own life in it. One night at 1:30 a.m. Dakota Fanning text-messaged “I miss you so much.” Haley Joel Osment text-messaged “I miss you, sad, editing stories, drank alcohol energy drink.” He made a comic for her about a hamster that goes on a killing rampage against humans. She emailed three photos of herself. “You look like an elf, a tall person, and an elf,” said Haley Joel Osment and thought that she had lost weight and looked very professional and clean and pretty. Dakota Fanning said she was an elf. They talked about writing a book called How to Steal from American Apparel, Whole Foods, Virgin Megastore, and Duane Reade and putting it on the internet. She mailed him a giant box with a forty-page letter inside and he read it on his bed and text-messaged her that he was happy. The letter included photocopies from the copier at Dakota Fanning’s mother’s office. One photocopy was of Woody Allen’s head next to a squid. “Shit,” said Dakota Fanning on Gmail chat Thursday. “I forgot to talk to my mom about tomorrow. I’m going to try to stay home. So you can come. I’m going to tell her I want to go to Subway to look for a job.”

“Hurry,” said Haley Joel Osment. “My life is empty and I’m running out of things to edit. Shit, I only have like $35. I forgot I needed money, to do things.”

“I won $70,” said Dakota Fanning about bingo with her mother. “You can have it.”

Haley Joel Osment said he would steal her two The Weakerthans CDs.

“Thank you. I stole 3 lemons and sushi. My mom let me walk to Price Chopper today.”

“You should have told me,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I could have met you for 5 minutes. Spending $24 and like 8 hours travel time.” Dakota Fanning said “I thought you would say that is too short for the long train ride so I didn’t call you and I didn’t expect to be able to go for a walk.”

“I know,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I was being sarcastic. I feel sarcastic right now.”