Tao Lin - Richard Yates

“Oh,” said Haley Joel Osment and looked at his hands.

“I’m thinking,” he said after about thirty seconds.

“I think we’re fucked,” he said after a few minutes. “What do you think.”

“I don’t know. The last two days I felt like I was bothering you. I feel terrible.”

“Yes,” said Haley Joel Osment. “You annoyed me by not meeting me. Things like that get worse over time. And by being sleepy all the time. And by being obese. I don’t think you will change. People don’t change.” Haley Joel Osment looked nervously at the computer screen feeling his fingers on the keyboard. “Are you hurt,” he said. “Things like this only get worse over time.”

“I was expecting this,” said Dakota Fanning. “I am hurt.”

“I feel terrible,” said Haley Joel Osment. “Things like this just get worse over time. I don’t know.”

“I cried so much last night,” said Dakota Fanning. “I knew this was going to happen. I’ve been trying to not be obese. I lost 10 pounds already. I finally started taking the vitamins.” She said she could fix things. She said she used to be thin. She said a number and said she used to weigh that number. She said it wasn’t like she was trying to change into something she had never been. She said she worked hard today to get money for the train and spent forty-five minutes printing out maps so she could find Haley Joel Osment in Connecticut.

“When I say something like this usually the relationship is over,” said Haley Joel Osment. “It probably has to be so from the beginning no one has to change. I don’t know.”

“I fucked up,” said Dakota Fanning. “I always fuck up. I have fucked up everything in my life. I have nothing left now. The first time you met me was the only time in my life where I felt happy. I know that sounds melodramatic but it is true.” Haley Joel Osment said he didn’t know what she was thinking most of the time. He said he was always nervous he would be late to meet her. He said he didn’t know if she ever felt nervous about things like that. He said it seemed like she just thought about things like getting chocolate and eating it. “Are you angry at me,” he said.

“Of course I’m not angry. Why would I be angry. I fucked up. I hurt you. I was thinking ‘I can’t be late. I can’t be late. He will never talk to me again. I am fucked. I am fucked. I am going to be late. I am going to fuck everything up.’ I knew this would happen. You asked me once if I liked myself and I said no. And you said I was lying. But I wasn’t.”

“You don’t like other people either,” said Haley Joel Osment. “What do you like then.”

“I don’t know. You are the only person who can make me happy. I fucked up.”

“You’re just going to get angry at me if I keep saying things,” said Haley Joel Osment. “You haven’t changed since you met me. You just cared less over time. Which is normal from what I’ve seen. At first you would be early and meet me. Then have excuses. Then say things and not do them. And say you don’t want to be obese. But eat more obesely than I do. And say you want me to send you things and tell you what to do. But not use them when I send them and not do what I tell you.” He said some more things then said “I was more worried than you that you were not going to meet me at the train.”

“I started the vitamins,” said Dakota Fanning. “I told you that I always do what I say. It just takes me longer. I’m not angry at you.”

“People are assholes,” said Haley Joel Osment. “You’re going to be angry at me. I think obese people are assholes, they take up more room. Taking up room is stupid. Eating more. People should eat less. And not take up room. And always do what they say. I can’t comprehend how a person can be late.”

“I’m not angry at you. I will never be angry at you. I’m only angry at myself.”

“I can’t comprehend how people can be late or obese,” said Haley Joel Osment. “If you are obese that means you have given up on life. But a person in a relationship has not given up on life. And if you are late that means you like something else, not the person you were late to meet. It doesn’t mean that necessarily, but it means that to the other person, if the other person doesn’t block out that it happened. It’s hard to block out things like that when all I ever talk about is that all humans are assholes.”

“I’m sorry. I felt like shit when you called me and I realized I had fallen asleep. I cried when I ran to get you.”

“I felt stupid,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I was going to go home when I was in the field by the buses. You probably think I don’t know how hard you’re trying. You need to just look at your actions, not how hard you think you’re trying.”

“Okay, I wasn’t trying hard. Okay. I wasn’t trying hard. I kept telling myself I needed to try harder but I didn’t do it. Now I’ve lost you and I’m fucked. So I’m panicking.”

Dakota Fanning said she could fix things.

“You are my best friend,” she said. “Please.”

“Okay,” said Haley Joel Osment. “Do whatever you want. I’ll keep seeing you until I can’t anymore. Not as a favor. I like you. It’ll be shitty probably.”

“Please,” said Dakota Fanning. “When you completely hate me, and never want to see me again, tell me.” She said she wanted to see him tonight. “You should see me later this week,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I’m leaving at 9:30 a.m. My brother wants me to read a potty training book before tomorrow.”

“Okay,” said Dakota Fanning. “I will come later this week.”

“Did you read Housetraining for Dummies yet?” said Haley Joel Osment’s brother in his girlfriend’s apartment in Connecticut the next afternoon. “No,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I didn’t get it yet.” His brother moved a pillow and picked up Housetraining for Dummies and said “You have to read it tonight.”

“You should just get a robot dog,” said Haley Joel Osment. “That’s what you really want.”

“No,” said his brother with a calm facial expression.

Haley Joel Osment said something about housetraining.

“Stop crying,” said his brother walking away.

In the morning Haley Joel Osment showered and walked into the living room in boxer shorts. “Put on pants,” said his brother with an angry facial expression. “Now.” Haley Joel Osment made an angry facial expression and put on pants. His brother and brother’s girlfriend left for work. Haley Joel Osment was alone in the apartment. He went to his brother’s girlfriend’s computer and talked to Dakota Fanning on Gmail chat. “I have to go take the dog to shit,” he said around 10:00 a.m. “I’ll be back. Depending on if it shits.” He took Babo to a caged-in area in the parking garage and stared at it for about ten minutes, sometimes saying “potty, potty.”

“It didn’t shit,” he said on Gmail chat.

Dakota Fanning said she watched an hour-long documentary about driver ants. She said they were blind and went on killing rampages. She said they built bridges out of themselves and sometimes ate each other. She said some more things about driver ants. “She seems really focused on ants, not on me, or something,” thought Haley Joel Osment feeling a little confused.

“Ants are the only good thing in the world,” said Dakota Fanning.

Haley Joel Osment asked if driver ants could eat a shark.

“Only if it washed up on shore. They can’t swim.”

“Can they eat Bruce Lee,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“If he didn’t struggle, yes,” said Dakota Fanning.

“If he only did front rolls. In an enclosed area.”

“Yes, then. I think they could eat him. The largest colony ever recorded was 20 million ants. 20 million ants could eat Bruce Lee I think.”