Tao Lin - Richard Yates

“I’ve only had the opportunity to hold a hamster once,” said Dakota Fanning on Gmail chat. “Its paws were so tiny. I think I cried a little.”

“I saw a hamster eating its babies,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I wanted to give it a high-five. But it didn’t know what a high-five is.”

“I would eat my babies if I had some. I don’t have any babies.”

“How old are you?” said Haley Joel Osment.

“16. It’s probably good I don’t have babies.”

“You are not 16. You are like 25.”

“No, I am 16,” said Dakota Fanning. “I drew a hamster on a pink piece of paper today then I threw it on top of a recycling bin full of paper so whenever anybody recycles paper the hamster will look at them and be cute for them.” Haley Joel Osment said that was cute. Dakota Fanning said in real life she didn’t make any faces. She just let her muscles make what they make naturally and every day people said “You look sad, stop it. You don’t have the right to be sad. I’m sad. My parents are divorced. Say something funny.”

Haley Joel Osment said he felt good when he made a sad face.

“My mom saw a package from you and asked if you were a creep,” said Dakota Fanning on Gmail chat about a week later. “I said you were not a creep. I said you were a graduate of New York University.” Haley Joel Osment said the only purpose of going to New York University was so Dakota Fanning could now tell her mother he was not a creep, but a graduate of New York University. Dakota Fanning said she was going on a field trip to a museum in Manhattan in November and Haley Joel Osment could find her then and sit by her and they could eat together.

“That sounds good,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“November is so far away,” he said.

A few weeks later they talked on the phone for about three hours. Dakota Fanning said she worked at McDonald’s then walked on a bridge and gave a homeless man $20 and told the homeless man she hated her job and walked home and tried to juggle things for fifteen minutes. Haley Joel Osment was lying in the dark on his air mattress in a three-person apartment on Wall Street. His room had no windows. He said he was walking today and noticed he was thinking “Life is stupid. I am stupid.” But it was one sentence not two. Dakota Fanning said that was okay. She said she had a broken violin she was saving because she wanted to smash it but she always said “no, not yet.” When they had nothing to say they were quiet and then said “hi” to each other around forty times.

The next day Haley Joel Osment stood outside the membership library on 76th Street where he worked twenty-five-hours a week and felt sunlight on his face and ate a salad. It was April 25. Haley Joel Osment was 22. After work he rode the 6 train to New York University’s Bobst Library and sat in front of a computer. He wasn’t a student anymore but someone had made a mistake and given him access until 2011. It was 2006. Haley Joel Osment talked to Dakota Fanning on Gmail chat. He went to his apartment. He lay on his air mattress. He read a short story about a severely depressed woman in rural Illinois.

He woke around 2:00 p.m. and showered and put on clothes. He walked into the kitchen listening to music from his iPod through earphones. He was alone in the apartment. He stared at the common room. He once watched a Korean movie with his suitemate in the common room. In the movie a cop accidentally jump-kicked another cop. The movie was about a serial killer. “I feel bored of life,” thought Haley Joel Osment. “Or wait. I don’t know. Never mind.” He went to Whole Foods and put avocado sushi and coconut water and a container of fruit in his duffle bag and walked to Karen’s and bought organic iced coffee and walked to Bobst Library. “I’m not sure if you should come Friday,” said Dakota Fanning on Gmail chat. “My mom is going to think you’re going to rape me or something.”

“Your mom,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“I told her you were an autistic vegan and she said ‘autistic vegans can still rape people.’ I told her I felt insulted by that comment.”

“I don’t want to see her. I’m,” said Haley Joel Osment and thought about how he already said more than fifteen times that he was afraid of Dakota Fanning’s mother. “Haley,” he said.

“I don’t think she knows how old you are,” said Dakota Fanning. “The majority of my friends are your age and she doesn’t care. I think she thinks you’re like 35 or something.”

“Why does she think I’ll rape you?” said Haley Joel Osment.

“She thinks everyone on the internet is out to rape everybody.”

“What should I do,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“You should rape me out of spite,” said Dakota Fanning.

“I fed eggplant to Aladdin today,” she said about her dog.

“Why don’t you want me to go over?” said Haley Joel Osment. “I’m angry.”

“I want you to,” said Dakota Fanning. “I’m just afraid. Just come.”

“You delayed me too much. I’m tired. I feel like I already went.”

“Just come please, I will make a papoose,” said Dakota Fanning. “I have eggplant and blueberries. Are you okay with sleeping in a field? We might have to sleep in a field.”

“Okay,” said Haley Joel Osment. “Why?”

“So we don’t get attacked by my mom. I just googled papoose and found this.” Dakota Fanning sent a link to an image of an amorphous gray sac.

“Is that you,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I feel pain. I have a migraine.”

“Will you come Friday when you aren’t so sick? I’m afraid the field will make you sicker.”

“Am I really coming?” said Haley Joel Osment. “I am quickly losing interest. Soon we won’t talk anymore. Life is terrible.”

“Come tomorrow,” said Dakota Fanning.

“No, you’re right,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I’m too sick. Can I come Friday?”

“Yes. I can’t remember if I have the SATs Saturday morning or Sunday morning. I think I have them Saturday. It is Saturday. I just looked. Why are we always fucked. We are fucked. Look at that typo,” said Dakota Fanning about fucked being spelled as fuckexc. “That is how fucked we are. My brother is missing. The lady who electrocutes us just called. She can’t find him. He never came home.” Once a week Dakota Fanning, Dakota Fanning’s brother, Dakota Fanning’s mother went separately to a three-story house where for purposes of lowering depression and anxiety levels someone named Charlene put radiowaves through receptors to make them look like brainwaves and then directed those waves at areas in their brains where there were too many alpha, beta, or delta waves. The procedure was called biofeedback. Dakota Fanning was nervous because it began in the ’80s and the long-term effects were unknown and also she was afraid about never being sad because when she was happy she was annoying and ran around like a child with ADHD and started sentences and didn’t finish them.

“He might have killed himself,” said Haley Joel Osment. “Life is terrible.”

“He gets tired a lot,” said Dakota Fanning. “He might have driven his car off the road and died. He is always tired.”

“You aren’t visiting me,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“I am,” said Dakota Fanning.

“You are. When you are.”

“Soon,” said Dakota Fanning.

“Soon.”

“Soon,” said Dakota Fanning.

“It will never happen,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I’m giving up on life. Even more. Wait. I already did. Even more I am.”

“It will happen,” said Dakota Fanning.

“Something is wrong with me,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I’m going.” They each said good night. Haley Joel Osment stared at the computer screen. He rode the N train to his apartment. He looked at for-sale flyers on a bulletin board in the laundry room. He stood in an elevator. He boiled organic angel-hair pasta and carried a bowl of it to his room and sat on the floor with organic tomato sauce, olive oil, black pepper. “I fear social interaction,” he thought while eating. “Probably more than anyone I know. More than so many people. Seems ‘surreal,’ like it’s not really true. Talking to Dakota seems ‘surreal,’ because of her level of creativity maybe. It seems fun. I like talking to her. I like her writing.” He walked to the kitchen, picked up a container of organic flaxseeds, walked to his room, put organic flaxseeds on his pasta.