Tao Lin - Richard Yates

“Let’s do our plan,” he said about going to Angelika Film Center, watching Lemming , walking to American Apparel, stealing dresses, eating porridge at Congee Village, going to Penn Station.

About fifteen minutes into Lemming a man kneeled by a bed and woke his wife and said something in French. The subtitles said “I think it’s a kind of hamster.” Haley Joel Osment and Dakota Fanning laughed. “They should end the movie now and have the screen say ‘lemming,’ ” said Haley Joel Osment grinning at Dakota Fanning in the dark.

At American Apparel Dakota Fanning carried eight dresses into the dressing room. The dresses were not the right size. Haley Joel Osment left the dressing room and returned with eight dresses of the right size. They put the eight right-sized dresses into Dakota Fanning’s bag and Haley Joel Osment left American Apparel with the bag. Dakota Fanning left the dressing room and put the eight dresses of the wrong size on the rack and left American Apparel.

“They’re going to notice,” said Haley Joel Osment walking quickly. “It seems like they can’t not notice. Do you think they’ll send the police?”

“It doesn’t matter,” said Dakota Fanning. “I’m going back to New Jersey. They’ll search for a skinny boy and a girl in a black dress.”

“Change into one of the dresses. The red one.”

“Okay. I’ll change at the restaurant.”

They calculated they had stolen around $250 worth of dresses. They talked about going to all the American Apparels in New York City to steal $2,000 of things a day as their job. Haley Joel Osment said he was jealous. “You have all those dresses,” he said. “I have nothing.”

“I’ll steal you clothes later,” said Dakota Fanning.

“No you won’t,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“I have nothing,” he said in a loud voice and grinned.

At Congee Village Dakota Fanning changed into the red dress. “You look good,” said Haley Joel Osment and touched her thigh and shoulder. He said he didn’t have money. He went outside to find an ATM. He walked a few minutes and found no ATM. He ran across a street into a deli and said “Do you have an ATM?” They did not. It was very sunny outside. Haley Joel Osment was sweating. “I don’t know,” he thought. “I should be able to find an ATM.” He walked across two streets. He saw an ATM. He entered his PIN and cash left the ATM and he calmly moved it into his pants pocket. He walked and ran to the restaurant with a neutral facial expression. Dakota Fanning was eating porridge. Haley Joel Osment said they would need to use a taxi to get to Penn Station in time. He sat. His porridge was very warm. Dakota Fanning used soy sauce. Haley Joel Osment used soy sauce and hot chili sauce. He drank water. “We’re not talking because I’m not talking,” he thought in the taxi looking out his window. “But I feel like I’ll say something soon. And then we’ll be okay again.” The sidewalk and store windows were sometimes shaded by trees. They were somewhere in Greenwich Village. Haley Joel Osment thought that after Dakota Fanning left he would go to the library to work on things. It was Sunday. Dakota Fanning had school tomorrow. “I feel good,” thought Haley Joel Osment. “My life seems good.”

At Penn Station they sat against a wall and photographed themselves kissing. Haley Joel Osment walked about thirty feet away and photographed Dakota Fanning. He walked closer and photographed her again. He walked closer and photographed her again. He walked closer and hugged her and they went downstairs to the train and held each other until the train began to make noises. Dakota Fanning went in the train. They looked at each other’s eyes until they couldn’t see them anymore.

The next day Haley Joel Osment read an email from Dakota Fanning that said “I told my mom the dresses were cheap knock-offs and I got them for $3 each off a street vendor and she believed me. She wasn’t suspicious at all.” The email talked about selling clothes from the ’50s and ’60s on eBay and buying a computer. It talked about an $800-a-month apartment. It talked about making $5,000 over the summer so she wouldn’t need a job senior year. “Once I get a real job we’ll never see each other again,” said the email. “I’ll be working 40 hours a week. I don’t want to work. If you move here we could work at Wendy’s together. It would be funny. I wasted my whole lunch period typing about money and computers. I feel terrible. College. Fuck. I have to present Hemingway tomorrow. I have a math final tomorrow. I am fucked. I got a 60 on the practice final. I am very fucked. It’s hot here. I couldn’t sleep last night because it was so hot. I smell cookies and rice. I want rice. I want to fall asleep in a pile of cold rice. Shit. The bell just rang. I want to fall asleep in a pile of cold rice.”

“$800 for all those rooms is good,” said Haley Joel Osment in an email. “There has to be somewhere where it’s less with no living room. I don’t care about the location. It can be an island on a river and I have to live with a crane family and use my air mattress to get there each day. That’s fine. Find me an apartment. At Whole Foods today an obese black cop followed me around a little but I escaped. There were two cops there today. They wore cop uniforms instead of the security ones. It felt like a video game.”

That night on Gmail chat Haley Joel Osment said he was going to cry if Dakota Fanning didn’t find him an apartment. “I will look,” said Dakota Fanning. “There’s one that’s $650 a month. But it’s a dump. It’s diseased. You cannot live there. I will not let you live there.”

“Find me one. Anywhere. It doesn’t have to be near you.”

“I know. The one I saw wasn’t by me. I will find you one. Shut the fuck up.”

“Do it,” said Haley Joel Osment. “You didn’t accomplish anything.”

“Yes I did. I got you clothes today. I got you pants and a shirt.”

“Thank you,” said Haley Joel Osment. “Bring me them.”

“I will mail them. In a big box. There is a giant dying animal in my backyard making a very loud noise that can be heard throughout the whole house even with the windows closed. I think it’s a frog but my mom says it’s a distressed bird. It’s definitely a frog croaking. She is stupid.”

“I just felt a buzzing near my crotch,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“It’s in the garden,” said Dakota Fanning. “The pants are 30-inch waist, is that wrong? I just guessed.”

“That’s about right. When are you coming.”

“I don’t know. I can’t for a while. You have to come here. I don’t have any money. You have to come here.”

“Alright,” said Haley Joel Osment. “When.”

“Whenever you want. I finish school next week. Come before that.”

“Tell me exactly when. I’m not a decision maker. I’m a person.”

“I don’t know,” said Dakota Fanning. “I have to plan. It’s hard to find apartments or houses here. Everyone wants to move here. After 9/11 the New York Times wrote an article about moving here.”

“There are 80 towns by you,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“No there aren’t,” said Dakota Fanning. “There’s two. There is a small house for sale by the park. That’s all I saw so far.” Haley Joel Osment said “I want to put a Wal-Mart shirt on an emu” and stared at what he typed. “How much does it cost,” he said.

“I don’t know,” said Dakota Fanning.

“I’ll sell my kidney,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“It’s probably cheap,” said Dakota Fanning. “It’s small. Shit. I just looked it up. It’s expensive. Why is it so expensive? $179,000.” Haley Joel Osment said he would ask his publisher for $179,000. He said he would write one novel a month for 179 months. A few months ago he was paid cash daily as an assistant to an actor starting a luxury charter-jet business. Each day he sat in the actor’s bedroom in TriBeCa typing descriptions for jets, resizing images in Photoshop, updating the actor’s IMDb information. During this time he was sometimes eating dinner with a 26-year-old copy-writer and then sleeping in her apartment on the Lower East Side with their clothes on. Haley Joel Osment saw the 26-year-old less when he met Dakota Fanning on the internet in late March. When the actor’s website was completed Haley Joel Osment applied at the membership library on 76th Street. Sometimes the actor emailed Haley Joel Osment instructions to update his IMDb profile and sent a $50 bill in the mail. Haley Joel Osment currently had about $800 in his checking account. “Write me the 179-novel contract,” he said. “Find me an apartment.”