Tao Lin - Richard Yates

“No. He was like 29 or something. My mom was 19. She left home when she was 18 and never went to college because her parents were abusive and depressed. She probably just married him for support because she didn’t have anywhere else to go.”

“That’s worse than us,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“My dad only had like one girlfriend his whole life I think before my mom. He was like 17 or something.”

“Your dad is good,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I want to be his friend.”

“If I watch a movie and someone says ‘fuck’ and he comes in he says ‘this isn’t for kids’ and then walks away,” said Dakota Fanning. “I don’t say anything, he just leaves. It’s funny.” Haley Joel Osment stared at what Dakota Fanning typed and felt confused. “My dad does that,” he thought. “And I told her before. I told her my dad says ‘this isn’t for kids.’ Or I put it in a short story or something. I don’t know. I don’t remember.”

“I think he said it to my mom once,” said Dakota Fanning.

“I wish you were 8 years old,” she said. “Why aren’t you 8?”

“Why do you wish that,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“I want to be your friend but you be 8 years old.”

“I’m hurt,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I’m hurt.”

“I’m laughing. I hurt your feelings.”

“You hurt my feelings,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I wish you were the girl in the ballerina photo,” he said about a photo of Dakota Fanning when she was a small child.

“I want a small Haley to kick,” said Dakota Fanning. “I want you to be small and 8 and I want to kick you in my backyard and then laugh and pick you up and hug you and say ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.’ ”

“I want to dig a hole and put you in it,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Be the girl in the ballerina photo,” he said. “Stop being obese.”

Dakota Fanning said she saw a movie where a dad choked his daughter and buried her in a hole. Haley Joel Osment said he didn’t like movies. He said Lemming should be twenty minutes. Dakota Fanning said they should edit Lemming to five minutes. “Just the scene with the lemmings all over the floor and the guy falling,” she said.

“The scene where he takes the lemming out,” said Haley Joel Osment. “Then end when he says ‘a kind of hamster.’ And then a prologue of the house exploding. That’s the epilogue. Wait. Epilogue is end.” They talked some more but slower because Haley Joel Osment was focusing more on other things on his computer screen. “I’m selling things,” said Dakota Fanning. “I’m selling things at the flea market. I need to go gather things now. I’m selling things. I have to put it in boxes. I’m going to make $500.”

“Okay,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Bye,” said Dakota Fanning.

“Green tea,” said Haley Joel Osment. “Bye.”

A few hours later Dakota Fanning came online and said “You ate all my nut bars and squished a banana on my floor.”

Haley Joel Osment said they were his nut bars.

“You gave them to me,” said Dakota Fanning.

“They’re my nut bars,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“The banana was squished. There was banana squish on the floor.”

“I fell on it,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Why didn’t you tell me,” said Dakota Fanning. “I put my hand in it when I went to grab something. I thought it was dog vomit and felt afraid.” Haley Joel Osment said he didn’t know if he fell on it. He said the banana squished itself from depression. Dakota Fanning said she felt terrible. She said her ribs felt sore. Haley Joel Osment said it felt like his heart had worms in it. “My queen bed is good,” he said. “It talks. It says the word white repeatedly. Do you believe me.”

“No,” said Dakota Fanning. “I want to stab your queen bed. I’m going to stab it with my face. Fuck everyone. I hate everything. I’m confused.”

Haley Joel Osment typed a word that combined three bad words.

“Go away,” said Dakota Fanning. “I don’t like you.”

“Okay. I’ll replace you with the fish,” said Haley Joel Osment about a giant fish they had looked at from the steel bridge.

“Okay,” said Dakota Fanning.

“I want to fight you,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“You would win. You are stronger.”

“I want to manhandle you,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Across a river. Into a trashcan.”

“Don’t say manhandle. Just hit my face with a rock.”

Haley Joel Osment said he didn’t know what to do. Dakota Fanning said she didn’t either. “Come,” said Haley Joel Osment. “Friday,” said Dakota Fanning.

“I won’t last that long,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“What should I do,” said Dakota Fanning.

“Just come tomorrow.”.

“Money,” said Dakota Fanning.

“You can find $16. Sell books or CDs to stores.”

“I don’t know what to tell my mom.”

“Tell her you’re coming to see me.”

“She’ll call the police. If she goes to Goshen tomorrow I’ll be able to tell her I’m going to Kat’s.”

“Okay,” said Haley Joel Osment. “What’s Goshen.”

“Where her family is. She usually goes there on the weekend. I think the 5:30 train is the only one on Saturday.”

Haley Joel Osment made a typo that said hkpo;;.

“Okay,” said Dakota Fanning. “I will be there at 7:55 tomorrow.”

“What are you telling your mom,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Kat’s house. She’ll keep asking questions because she knows I hate Kat. It might not work.” Dakota Fanning called later saying her mother wasn’t going to Goshen. “I’m just going to go to sleep,” she said.

The next morning she called around 10:30 a.m. asking Haley Joel Osment to visit. Haley Joel Osment was asleep. He woke and said some things then slept until around 3:30 p.m. In the shower he thought about organic fair-trade vegan chocolate nut bars he had been stealing from Whole Foods every day. He dried himself and put on clothes. He went to Bobst Library and read an email from Dakota Fanning that said “The kid next to me just told the librarian to ‘shut the fuck up, bitch ass’ after she told him and his friends to be quiet.” Dakota Fanning was online. “When am I coming,” she said on Gmail chat.

“Friday,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I don’t know. I want to go there now.”

“Okay. Come tomorrow. It’s a good temperature today. It’s cool. I sneezed.”

“I should have come this morning,” said Haley Joel Osment. “You didn’t convince me. You said ‘you don’t have to.’ That always makes the other person say they don’t want to.”

“You sounded like you didn’t want to. I didn’t want to make you come if you didn’t feel like it.”

“I just woke up,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I was confused. I thought it was 10:30 p.m.”

“You made a stupid excuse. Stupid excuses mean you’re not interested.”

“What excuse did I say. I kept thinking of sweating for 3 hours hiding from your mom.”

“You said you didn’t want to come all that way to leave so soon but I’ve come to visit you and had to leave earlier than what time you would have left today.”

“I know. I was confused. I just woke up.”

“It’s okay,” said Dakota Fanning.

“My brother emailed me,” said Haley Joel Osment. “He wants to pay me money to live in Connecticut for two weeks to potty train his and his girlfriend’s French bulldog Babo.”

“Babo,” said Dakota Fanning. “When.”

“I don’t know. My brother is in Hawaii.”

“Where in Connecticut?” said Dakota Fanning.

Haley Joel Osment said he didn’t know. Dakota Fanning said she was probably killing herself Friday by jumping off Haley Joel Osment’s roof. Haley Joel Osment said she could kill herself now by going to the train tracks. She said the trains didn’t go fast enough. “If you put your neck where the wheel goes it’ll just cut your head off,” said Haley Joel Osment. Dakota Fanning said she didn’t think that would happen. Haley Joel Osment said if she jumped off his roof she might bounce against the wall and land on her feet. She said his building was flat and she wouldn’t bounce. She said “A small boy just fell on his bike outside my house and I laughed and the window was open and he looked around looking sad because he heard me laugh.” She said the train schedules changed and she hoped she could leave school early enough to make the 11:30 a.m. train Friday.