Tao Lin - Richard Yates

“I don’t think so,” said Haley Joel Osment. “One front roll can kill 2,000 ants. So he just needs to do 200,000 front rolls I think.”

“The pain would weaken him too much. 200,000 front rolls is a lot even for Bruce Lee.”

“He can do one a second,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“At first maybe but as the pain got worse he would slow down I think. They can climb into his ears and start destroying his brain too. Front rolls can’t stop the ants from climbing into his brain.”

“Bruce Lee can flex his ear to crush the ants. Did you watch the Bruce Lee biography movie.”

“No, I didn’t,” said Dakota Fanning.

“He broke his neck and recovered and dictated a book to his wife while doing therapy in the moon thing that spins you around,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“He wrote the book while he was spinning? That’s good.”

“Let’s watch the Bruce Lee biography movie.”

“Okay,” said Dakota Fanning.

“They keep using high-pitched voices to the dog,” said Haley Joel Osment. “They’re making me use the high-pitched voice. When I walk the dog I only just stare at the ass. I want to shit on the floor and say it was the dog. But the shit will be as long as the dog.” Dakota Fanning wasn’t responding. “I slept on the sofa,” said Haley Joel Osment. “The dog is an asshole,” he said. “My mom just called,” said Dakota Fanning. “She asked if I threw away anything sentimental and I said ‘no, you’re retarded.’ Instead of saying ‘bye’ I said ‘books’ because I wasn’t paying attention and she said ‘what’ and hung up. Her voice hurts my ears. I just sit there and stare and then mumble things that don’t make sense until she hangs up.”

“I feel insane and strange,” said Haley Joel Osment. “There is a hurricane I think. I saw it on TV.”

“It’s called Alberto,” said Dakota Fanning.

“The dog is making noises,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I should take it to shit now.”

That night Haley Joel Osment was alone in the apartment talking to Julia on Gmail chat. Julia was 28 and married and lived in Georgia. She was friends with an editor of a magazine that had published Haley Joel Osment’s poetry. Haley Joel Osment’s cell phone vibrated. It was Dakota Fanning. Haley Joel Osment moved his cell phone to his ear. Dakota Fanning said her mother found out about him by reading a blog post’s comments section where he had said things about his first visit to New Jersey including when they screamed bad words across the Delaware River. “I think she knows you’ve stayed here overnight and that you’re 22,” said Dakota Fanning. “She already googled you a lot I think.”

“What’s going to happen?” said Haley Joel Osment.

“I don’t know. I can’t leave here. She won’t let me leave.”

“Is she calling the police?” said Haley Joel Osment.

“No, I don’t think she will. I have to go. She’s here.”

“I don’t know what to say,” said Haley Joel Osment on Gmail chat to Julia. He said Dakota Fanning’s mother found out about him. He said Dakota Fanning was banned from the internet. “Oh no,” said Julia. “What is her mother saying, that Dakota is forbidden to contact you?”

“I don’t know. She believes everyone on the internet is a rapist.”

“Would it help for you to get in touch with the mother? Tell her you are a nice boy and not a rapist. Go kidnap Dakota. I want to help. I like a good scheme. Where is the dad?”

“The dad is good. Should I tell you these things? I’m confused.”

“It’s okay to tell me,” said Julia.

“Should I though,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“That’s the least of your problems,” said Julia.

“Yes you should,” she said. “I am your friend, don’t worry.”

“The dad is depressed,” said Haley Joel Osment. “He lives in Albany. They separated but he visits sometimes. He wanted to start an earthworm farm in the basement and Dakota’s mother got angry at him. Dakota’s mother referred to him as ‘suicidal.’ ”

“Can Dakota live with him?” said Julia.

“No. He said he doesn’t want any responsibility of taking care of Dakota.”

“Many dads are depressed,” said Julia.

“Dakota said her mom said ‘why doesn’t anyone in this family have emotions?’ Everyone in her family is depressed except the mom.”

“That’s why the mom is insane,” said Julia. “If you aren’t depressed you’re insane.”

The next morning Haley Joel Osment took Babo to pee, put Babo in his pen by the kitchen, left the apartment, sat in a bus going to New York City, looked out the window. “Yes,” he thought a little vaguely and then text-messaged Dakota Fanning that her mother could call him if she wanted to talk about anything. At Bobst Library he emailed his brother that he didn’t want to potty train Babo anymore and was sorry for leaving without telling anyone. “I don’t want to be the cause of a robot dog,” said the email. “And you are superstitious. You believe there is a magical difference between boxer shorts and normal shorts. It’s annoying to be lectured on things like that. Also I can’t wake up so early. That isn’t your fault.” Around 10:30 p.m. Haley Joel Osment’s cell phone vibrated from an unknown number. He stood from his computer and walked into a hallway. He pushed a button on his cell phone. “This is Dakota’s mother. I appreciate your willingness to speak to me. Do you know how old my daughter is?”

“Yes,” said Haley Joel Osment. “16.”

“She is 16. She is still in high school.”

“Yes,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I know.”

“You did things that are illegal. Do you know that?”

“I’m not sure,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I don’t think so.”

“You had sex with a minor. You can go to jail. If Dakota goes to New York City again I am going to call the police. Do you understand?”

“Yes,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“How often do you and Dakota speak?”

“Every day,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“And you talk through, what, instant messenger?”

“Yes. Gmail chat. Sometimes on the phone.”

“Is it a true friendship? Or are you taking advantage of her?”

“True friendship,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Dakota has been having problems since adolescence and we are just now trying to fix things. She is seeing a therapist. This is a sensitive time for us.”

“Yes,” said Haley Joel Osment.

Dakota Fanning’s mother was quiet a few seconds.

“Have you ever seen a therapist?” she said.

“Yes,” said Haley Joel Osment. “In high school.”

“Oh? And what was this for?”

Haley Joel Osment said it was for social anxiety disorder. He said he talked to the therapist and the therapist gave him tapes and he listened to the tapes and felt better. He said he wasn’t depressed. “You and Dakota are both depressive,” said Dakota Fanning’s mother. “I’m afraid you’re feeding off each other.”

“You sound pretty dark and gloomy yourself,” she said.

“I’m not depressed,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I just don’t sound enthusiastic ever. I’m a happy person. I just, this is just my voice.”

“I understand you have books coming out,” said Dakota Fanning’s mother.

“Yes. I have three books coming out. Two next year. One this fall.”

“And, are they the same, are they depressive?”

“I don’t think so,” said Haley Joel Osment. “It’s literary fiction. I guess most people would call literary fiction depressing.”

“I read a few pages, and it was just out-of-control. All that stuff about killing rampages. That was out-of-control. What if someone read that and decided to hurt themselves? How could you live with that?”